on leaving

my old blog.

or, really changing to a new blog. it feels weird. and sudden. although, i mulled over doing it for a long time. and, in fact, started a blog with the name 'lonely apron strings' almost a year ago on wordpress. i think i only posted once.

my reasons are varied some odd but mostly they're practical. i know blogging is really about having a blog about one thing. like infertility say. or creative projects. but to me, to have two blogs about those subjects, and not talk about the other subject on the 'wrong' blog, feels weird and dishonest. 

i've felt so much better about being infertile since pushing myself to be not let it define me. it sounds cliché, but i am more than an infertile ("IF"). before i became IF, or rather, before i knew i was IF, i, just like you, was a much more rounded person. i sewed, read, and talked about non-IF things. and like you, i miss that. i miss that carefree person. and so does my husband. so, this blog will hopefully allow me to talk about something else on occasion while still remaining a part of the IF blogging community, without which, I would have barely survived IF, if i would have at. Not being a member and not having you all in my life is not an option. the other main reason, i moved away from my old blog theoneliner, is that i never liked the name. on the very day i discovered blogging, i started that blog on a whim. thinking that i would not do it for more than a week. Definitely not more than a month.

which wouldn't matter all that much, i mean, what's in a name? (actually IMO linguists know that there is a lot in a name. but still.)

after a year of IF, I did the best thing for myself that I have ever done. i went to therapy to figure out why i couldn't stop crying. and why i felt so utterly and horribly hopeless. and why I kept picturing an eraser erasing my very existence. (how unbelievably sad is that? don't worry, i am much better now, having spent the last year digging myself out of that hole. with therapy. and you.)

it's through this therapy, i realized that my whole life i'd spent doing what i was supposed to do and pleasing everyone before, if ever, pleasing myself. doing what i wanted to do. for instance, had i made my dining room curtains, two years ago, i would have chosen fabric that i thought my guests would like. i would have followed the pattern to a T. Which would have meant adding these waytoocountryforme fabric covered buttons.

i am quickly changing that dreadful personally trait. i now demand from myself my opinion and that i listen to it.

so, i didn't like the stupid buttons. I did not add them. I didn't like the name theoneliner and so i've changed it. i don't like ignoring my creative side. and i will acknowledge it. (OMG i so feel like an arrogant ass for saying the first four sentences of this paragraph. um i still have quite a bit of work to do.)

the name...which i LOVE is from a song by Every Thing But The Girl, Apron Strings. these lyrics define what runs through my head everyday, especially when i am sewing, blogging, baking, or any of the other creative things that i do.

apron strings
hanging empty
crazy things
my body tells me
i want someone to tie to my lonely
apron strings

apron strings
waiting for you
pretty things
that i could call you
i want someone to tie to my lonely
apron strings

he'd look just like me when I was young
and I wonder as the days unwind
will he have your eyes or mine
then i wake up to my
apron strings
cold and lonely
for time brings
thoughts that only
will be quiet when someone clings to my
apron strings

and i'll be perfect in my own way
when you cry i'll be there
i'll sing to you and comb your hair
all your troubles i will share

for apron strings
can be used for other things
than what they're meant for
and you'd be happy wrapped in my
apron strings