apron strings

everything but the kitchen sink. which is a good thing since i puked in it for 10 minutes yesterday.

thank you all! such sweet, sweet, sweet comments. seriously, it made me teary eyed. not that any of you said anything about it-but i am taking it personally. and elizabeth, you're right. not everyone is the A type early over planner like me.

one, i don't care so much about a shower. it'd be nice, but not it's not the end of the world. i am really picky about what i want and i do not want a bunch pink frilly crap. and, i hate to say it, but if our wedding gifts were any indication..... God bless 'em, but my southern relatives don't get me. Aunt Katherine thanks so much for adding a rabbit adorned silver platter to my registry. i did forget! and who new that you could add things to it. and dear MIL! thanks for the grape wine silver platted kit! with my name on it. who doesn't need a cheese slicer, too small cutting board! and dear BIL i love the fake red bird! though, i am still confused as to it's use? a lawn ornament? (a side of bitter anyone??)

***

holy freakin pukeman! i can't stop. i puked or felt like puking for hours three times this weekend. i am in the 2nd trimester! i think it may be the earl grey tea i've been drinking. we'll see.

though, i've been feeling her move a bit. *sigh* *sigh* sigh* i hit snooze before work on saturday and she was all-i'm awake-let's play circus in this big dark place! so i got up. silly girl. she feels like a warm furry ferret in there. it's funny. k felt her kick for the first time yesterday. he said it was weird. but so sweet. i agree.

all clear.

phew. trip to ob/gyn was such a relief. they were as concerned-if not more-than me. apparently pregnancy already puts you at risk for a clot and with MTHFR, you are at even a higher risk.

they told me that they take this very serious and that i am to come in at any indication of a clot.

they looked at-agreed with me that my knee was swollen and just a bit odd looking. they pushed down on my pulls, and had that shot a stinging feeling down my calf-i would have immediately gone to the emergency room.

instead they mad me an appt to have a vascular ultrasound. everything looked great. no hint of a clot.

btw i am not on blood thinner, they let me decide, my homocystine levels are normal-meaning that i very well may not have an increased chance of a clot. i weighed this against a car accident or other violent-bleeding inducing injury where i might bleed to death. there is no comparison, really. everyday we get into our cars-we put ourselves at a substantial risk of injury. so there. j/k.

thanks for the love.

2,4,5...PANIC!

so, late last week i opened my handy pregnancy book. to 17 weeks. where i learned that i am actually in month 5. not in month 4 which i had up until then thought. (the veracity of this is irrelevant it's included because it was the trigger.)

i had intentionally put off all big baby decisions until month 5. of course, i am thrilled beyond measure to be here and am willing to do what it takes to make it work. but still. it.scares.the.bejesus out of me.

i realized this on friday. yesterday i insisted on baby furniture shopping. internet research. panic ensued after a two hour trip to babies r'us. and a conversation with a buddy about childcare. (which had nothing to do with you, ginny)(this, by the way explains my wholly unnecessary defensiveness).

what worries me (a.k.a) what made me have a panic attack late yesterday:

1. it makes no sense financially for me to be off of work for more than a few weeks. being wholly unavailable to my clients for more than a few weeks means:

-that i am not taking in new clients, which means that, because of referrals, i would not only bring in less of their money, but none of the money that they would refer to me in the way of new clients.

-i would have to take in even less cases for months leading up to my leave. ultimately this would easily cost me a five digit figure (upwards of $30,000),

-that i would have to lay off my amazing assistant, and basically close down my business.

all of this could be avoided by merely working less than 25 hours a week. and most of that from home. note to all my relatives who insist that "if i wanted to bad enough, i could make the sacrifices i needed to to make it work." you did not go to college, and don't know so much about finances. sorry, but you know it's true. k says otherwise, but k is a financial optimist. i have loans, and am a solo practitioner.

the good news:

- is that i can work less than part time and pay my assistant and myself our usual salaries. and k or a trusted relative will stay with the baby. all i plan on doing is meeting new clients so that they can retain my firm. that usually means about two-three mornings in the office. i will take a leave of absence from court. so, my only trips out of the house will be to my office.

i also plan on making using almost my entire salary to make this easy for us during the first few months.

-we will hire a baby nurse a few nights a week (i'll pump) so that i can get sleep,

-k will work flex time and be able to keep mon petite chou while i work.

-we will have a housekeeper come in to do the laundry and housework once a week. so it makes sense, but it is clearly not ideal. not my first choice.

but...there are so many variables that could make it all go to pot. like a c-section. or bed rest. or complications. or an assistant quitting. or our renter moving out of the house that we can't sell.

2. freakin a. babies need so much stuff. and i will not be one of those parents who buy everything under the sun, a lot of which is wholly unnecessary. (no judgment! i am just a cheap, anal retentive freak.). but still. diapers. furniture. camcorders. stroller. bath stuff, clothes, =jackets, medical care and the list goes on and on.

3. my life as i know it will be over. including all the time i get to spend with my delicious husband. i know i probably won't care when i am holding my delicious baby ;  ), and maybe i'm selfish, but i like my career and sewing. and housework. and romantic dinners. and sleep.

so, i am freakin. 4 months people.

though, i assure you i am overjoyed, if freaked, to be in the "oh shit" phase of pregnancy.

i am sorry to be *that* girl, really.

the only two things that suck about my somehow managing to get knocked up by having sex in my bedroom:

1. that that has not happened to every single one of you.

2. that at some point my story will be shoved down some poor infertile girl's throat.

i can hear it now. "don't be too sure, i have a friend of a friend who got pregnant the month before she did a donor cycle, " "she was about to be on a adoption waiting list, " or, our personal favorite "she just relaxed."

i am framing the good news, when i spill, in these terms, "despite the studies that show that infertiles' fertility rates actually decrease when they decide to adopt, we got pregnant." apparently relaxing didn't work, because we had not been trying for six months," like every doctor said, it was very likely that between 30-40 i would release a good egg."

why? 'cause i louvre my *peeps.*

and because, i know that everyone of us wishes like hell that relaxing would get us there. or eating pistachios. or fvcking something. (namely our s/o's.)(okay, that was really tacky. i only do it as a shout out to our girl, whose snark is missed while she is working and getting puked on by twins.:)  )

(a little news article for you)(hey, let's lobby for a fvck fertility day!)

Fuming femmes storm the Senate to flip off.

Today, millions of women all over the nation collectively flipped the bird to infertility. Showing his solidarity to fertility challenged women everywhere, President Bush declared today Infertility Flip-Off Friday. "It's about friggin' time!," said Ima Barren of Finger Lakes, New York. "It felt really good!" chimed in her friend, Nadia Kidds of Pine Barrens, New Jersey

yes, it *has* come to this.

Q: how do you know that you are p___________?

A: when you realize that you have spent a little too much time on the couch eating rice krispies. because you find one in your hair. and not the hair on your head.

i would blog

if i could get off of the couch. actually, i am off of the couch at the moment, but only because there is a police stand off on the road next to ours. and i am afraid of stray bullets.

crazy, huh? i think it's a domestic situation.

ETA:all is well now. all ghetto birds have flown home. (our ghetto birds live on top of the prison). (if you don't know, ghetto birds are the police helicopters that have the spotlights).

i kept wanting to go outside to take pictures of the helicopters. k said no. boo k! instead we stayed inside hidden behind our extra large plantation shutters. because we all know that plantation shutters are bulletproof.

eight is great.

today i am eight weeks. can you believe it? 30-40% of the time i believe, with every ounce of my being, that this is going to work out. i mean, it almost seems fated. just like my mom, i got pregnant two years to the month we first started trying. just like my mother's pregnancy with me, this little one passes every test with room to spare.

though, 30-40% of the time i ignore my current condition. to a point where it's comical. i found myself telling someone that sure, i could take that legal seminar cruise through alaskan waters in august. thankfully, i realized that if this works out i'll be eight months pregnant, and not in need of a cruise away from all medical doctors.

the other 10-20% of the time, i am terrified that this is all going to blow up in our faces.

for now, the hopeful side of my mind is winning.

my symptoms are pretty typical. around week seven, i started getting nauseous and puny feeling if i didn't eat. and then a bit after i ate. so i am eating all of the time and already sick of it. how many saltines can one person stomach? like a book suggested i keep saltines by the bed and eat a few before i get out of bed. it's funny, i sit in a dark room, eating crackers by myself with crumbs falling onto the bed. sucking on fresh lime slices cures every inch of pukieness. last week i consumed three whole bags. i think i may end up with meth mouth before all of this is over. (i'd link a picture but it would surely make me sicky).

almost everything makes me feel nauseous, riding in cars, someone smoking a cigarette three cars behind me with the windows rolled up or closer, strong smells like coffee or alcohol, fast scenes on t.v, graphic medical pictures,  people talking about any of these things...dear mothers, when you ask me how i am, and i tell you that i am nauseous, do not(!!!) for the love of g-d(!!!!) share with me your story of nauseousness in graphic detail. (mom, that means you too.)(and especially after i interrupt such a story...do not keep going!!!).

my boobs are enormous. and i started growing them a long time ago. in middle school. yesterday, i noticed that my bra only covered about i/4 of my boob. my 34 d bra. which i think means that i need the size after dd. and i don't want to buy the size after dd. i mean, what size is that "HUGE!" do they sell it in regular retail stores? or do i have to go to a dirty sex shop downtown?

my boobs hurt a lot. when i roll over at night, they hurt so bad that it wakes me up. oooouuuuccchhh. when i am in my office or at home, i hold them to prevent movement and it's accompanying pain.

i dream the dirtest sexy dreams that i have in my entire life. i can't even give you a hint, because i'm too embarrassed. they are so awful that honestly, they're not so sexy. though, my poor husband who i've cornered and attacked a couple of times would beg to differ. in fact, he'd beg you to save him. (i tried to wait until 12 weeks, but i couldn't)(thankfully, no cramping or spotting (which would be normal) happened afterwards.)(though, we did both say, sheepishly, "sorry baby," afterwards.

which reminds me that i am so thankful that i am married. because, unless you're hallie berry, pregnant ain't so sexy. what up with the chin hair? seriously, i am debating on buying an epilady to clear my rain forest like chin hair growth on the way to work. and i think the little machine wouild get tangled on the leg and other body hair. seriously. and flatulence. bah! and with my lovely bloat, i look three months along already. OMG,i've just made myself nauseous with that visual.

the other symptom demands fiber. i am taking 2x the recommended dose to only so-so results. and what i am taking(fiberall tablets) make me so gassy! which is awful. i would appreciate any suggestions.

while i slept so much during weeks 6 and 7, i seem to have more energy lately. which has largely helped me have the energy to work through my initial depression. thank goodness.

so, congrats, mon petite chou, we're eight weeks. i hope you're getting comfy in there. sorry about the taco bell and coco puffs. i couldn't help myself.

hell has frozen over.

i'm currently the p word and it is snowing in atlanta. what next?

the headline on the news this morning "RECORD SNOW FALL IN ATLANTA. 0.4 OF AN INCH" so not even half an inch of snow, that doesn't even stick, is a record. funny, huh?

a story of unrequited love. until now.

i've never been an eater. had i been able to take a pill for three meals a day for the past ten years instead of eating three meals...i would have. k often orders for me at restaurants, because i always end up wanting what he is eating.

i often forget to eat all day. if k isn't home for dinner if i eat anything it's a bag of microwave popcorn.

i do bake during christmas. and then eat all of the pastries that i  make. but day-to-day food, until now...blah.

k lives for food. not in a bad way. when we planned our trip to paris, i planned the walks, loose schedules, museum visits, visits to the arc de triomph and the eiffel tour when the lighting would be best. i dreamt of the pictures i'd take and of the sweet walks and conversations we'd share.

k planned the food. he conducted an exhaustive search of the best ________ restaurant. and got us reservations.

from our trip, i remember the places, standing under the flashing eiffel tour the moment i turned thirty teary-eyed. k remembers the food.

food ads have never appealed to me. until last night. chili's baby back ribs, yummmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i though, i wonder if they are still open?

i have cooked dinner twice in  our ten years together.

well, after last night, make that three times. yesterday afternoon, as i began dreaming of the dinner we'd have, ummmm, tacos? fish? cheese sandwiches??? i decided to go pick up a book i knew i needed to read, called Eating for Pregnancy. in it i found all kinds of yummy recipes. over lunch (i drove by myself to the bookstore to get the book and then across town to a restaurant to get the salad i fantasized about all morning) i imagined all the good food i could make. oh, burritos with tofu, ewwww, curry chicken salad, ohmy lasagna.

after rushing to get thorough work so that i could run by the grocery store and buy the ingredients for the best american meat loaf...OMG!!!! it is so moist and yummy and the glaze is made with a tablespoon of molasses and, of course, ketchup. you add cracker crumbs, yogurt, scallions and a bit of hot sauce to the meat. (by the way...i am so about to...for the first time in my life, eat unheated leftover meatloaf! at 7:00 a.m.)

k came home, came up the stairs and into the kitchen and just sorta look confounded. it took his brain a minute to process the whole thing...wife+cooking dinner???

so, suddenly...me like food. me reaaaaalllllllly like food. hey, are you going to eat that???

meet mon petite chou.

5 weeks 5 days.

mpc has a heartbeat.

now we nap. for the second time. today.