apron strings

Yeah, So WHAT'S IT TO YOU!?!?!?!?

I did the unthinkable.  It goes against every grain in my body. 

Well, every grain except the one that will do ANYTHING to get Cate to make that deep, guttural laugh that mandates she grab her belly from laughing.* With her bitty chubby hand. 

It all started well meaning enough. We took her to Toys R Us to get her cousins a little something for Christmas.  She mainly just wandered around-she is still tickled with herself for being able to walk. Plus, she likes to ask strangers for milk-by signing 'milk' and saying "mahlk" looking at them longingly.

Then she stumbled, quite literally, onto a pink ride-on. Motorized. A tyke-sized ATV.  I helped her get on it-the batteries were out and so I pushed her on it-and as we went down the aisle-I heard it-the deep guttural laugh.  K saw it too. We both looked at each other. With the same thought- "please don't let this cost hundreds of dollars......" because we both knew we would be buying it.

I must also admit that I did literally hours of research to get the safest most durable tot-ride  made.** 

I also spent over an hour, combined, on hold, trying to find the one in town with a drink holder and compartment. Surely, you don't think Cate will go anywhere without milk and Douglas?*** 

And so it is to be. Ms. Cate, as of Christmas morning,**** will be the proud new owner of a very pink, very Barbie, very small 4 wheeler. It goes 2 mph.  

  

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* Hopefully, you've long forgotten about the dumbest post I've ever written. But should you remember-yeah, it was dumb and my foot is in my mouth. I honest-to-Gawd can't believe I wrote that. 

**If you're in the market for a motorized tot-ride and want to know what I found are important safety considerations-only buy age appropriate. Which for new walker means-button push powered, 2 mph or less, no reverse, with hill control.  You also want it close to the ground so that they can easily get off and on it.   As far as durability- Fisher Price wins every time-they have good customer support. The funny thing is-they are just as inexpensive as the others- about $80-$90.00. 

***I can't believe I haven't told you guys about Douglas. A little dog Cate grabbed onto and in F.A.O. Schwartz in Manhattan-and is seldom without. 

****Assuming of course mommy and daddy can figure out how to put it together on Christmas Eve. 

Greetings From the Front Lines.

Holy cow colds people. Can I sell snot? 'Cause if so, Cate and I would be RICH. We've been lying around since Friday watching Sesame Street re-runs and Charlie Brown.  

We are sick. My poor girl who's generally running around screaming at Winston to "STOCK!" while signing "stop"* is walking only enough to say "NAAAAAA_NAAAAAAA" with her fevered rosy red cheeks and puffy eyes.  Her little arms up-stretched for me to grab her.  I sound like a grey-haired truck driver who's smoked three packs of Malboro Reds for twenty years and Cate is a mini rosy-cheeked Darth Vader.

She will only wear her flannel footed p.j.'s. Who can blame her? She's not even asking to go outside (a big deal for her) she just looks out the window longingly.   

I've done nothing but hold her for the last few days. Seemingly forever. Ah, the sacrifice of motherhood. Having to hold my nineteen pound clingy-for-the-first-time-ever little girl. 

She will only eat oatmeal and drink milk. But at least she is eating. Yesterday-she had four adult-sized bowls in one sitting. As soon as I had one made she'd eaten it and had picked up the bowl to lick out the remaining. 

Winston in confused. K is healthy. 

Cate, Rosey and I are a lob of wet warm flesh on the couch laughing at cookie monster. 

My house is a mess. My clients are going insane with my unusual absence. Neither of which concern me enough to abandon my pink little rosy-cheeked Darth. 

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* One day Cate will make the connection that Winston will "STOCK!" when she stops running behind him screaming like a wild banshee. Poor Winston. Continually harassed by a two-pint tike. 

For the Second Time In Our Lives My Mom, K & I Shed A Few Tears....

While sitting at the same table. 

The first being when he asked me to marry him in front of my family. 

Also the first time I've ever felt the urge to warmly touch someone and simultaneously slap someone-k-forcefully across his face. 

K, Cate and I went out of town this part weekend. We went to Serenbe-a rural & new urban community that is self-sustaining (where, as an aside, I'd like to move in two-three years)(Either single or happily married to K.)  

Earlier in the week I'd told my mom that K and I planned  to take Cate on a hay ride that ended at the farm where she could pet animals-most notably a week old donkey. 

The day after we got there I noticed that I'd missed three calls from my mom-which was odd because she knew we were out of town.  We walked to the Inn-the only place that I had reception-and called my mom. 

She told me, with only her pride holding back tears, that she'd been laid off from her job-and they'd only given her a few weeks of severance. Which is horrible for a lot of reasons, but that's a whole other very sad post. 

She told me that she wanted to see me to "look over her severance papers" and make sure they were" legally sound." Read: she wanted to see her daughter and that I am an attorney gave her an excuse to. But she didn't "want to bother me" and would "wait to see me" when we got back. 

I begged her to come take the hay ride with us to get her mind off of things, and to see us and Cate.  She declined saying that she was incredibly busy and would just wait to "meet with me." 

My mom's core harbors more pride than anyone I've ever met. She is just one of those people who will never admit that someone-or life-has gotten the better of her.  In her mind-she desperately needed to see an attorney-and that I was her daughter and one of the people she is closest too-and who hugs her the tightest-had nothing to do with it-of course, wink....wink... 

To my and K's-especially K's-when the hay ride was about to begin - my mom pulls into the Inn's parking lot. I don't think this is how K imagined seeing his mother-in-law for the first time after cheating on her daughter. 

They sort of kindly avoided each other during the hay ride. Of course, Cate had gotten up two hours early (at 6:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. ) for the first time in six months. So, she slept through the entire hay ride and petting zoo. 

Afterwards we decided to grab lunch in the development's village. 

We sat and they made small talk and K and my mom, Lynne, sat as far away from each other as possible and neither would look at each other. While I knew that my mom was angry and hurt by his actions-I didn't really get it until my therapist told me to know that while K betrayed me-his wife- he also betrayed my mother's baby. As a mother--just hearing that-and thinking of Cate made my heart sink. 

All of a sudden K says, "Lynne, I need to tell you  something." While he looked down at the table, he twiddled with his wedding band- and started with "I did a horrible, horrible thing...." just like when he proposed I had a hard time paying attention-it's hard to when so many emotions are pumping through your entire being.

He continued, now while looking into her teary eyes.... "and there are no excuses-and I can never never say anything to undue it. I am sorry that I broke my vows to Christina-your daughter-and betrayed you. "She nor you and her family deserved this...." And "I know that words are meaningless-and I've just got to continue to act on my regret....." I am grateful that Christina's been generous enough to allow me a second chance for now...and I hope that you'll find it in you to do the same...."

His words were genuine. (of course-so were his wedding vows-when he said them...) . My mom said she'd "try to forgive him" but only if his goal in life became removing "the sadness she saw in her daughter's eyes."

While he got himself here-at least he has the courage to own up to his actions-not make excuses-and to swallow what he's done to me. My mom is a hard person to hurt-she isn't a pushover-but she is one of the kindest people on the planet. Who's treated K like one of her own children since our wedding. In fact, she's shown him more love than his own mother. 

It meant a lot to me-and my mom. His seeing-and working to truly understand- the havoc he's caused in my family's life-makes me hopeful about a reconciliation. 

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Tell me. Have you ever forgiven someone for this much of a betrayal? What did you do to do that? What did the betrayer do-or not do-to allow you to forgive them-or not? 

i couldn't do it without them.

i am glad that i read so many great parenting books in the latter half of my pregnancy. they all added tools to my brain's tool box to help mebetter parent my child which benefited my marriage and ultimately me. 

honestly, i do not, in any way, understand why people wouldn't. prepare themselves as much as possible.  there seems to be a lot of negative thoughts about reading books about child rearing. in an chat room i frequent, when i mentioned them , i got a lot of defensive replies like "every child is different,"  "mothering is instinctive." a sort of "ignorance is the best way."

when i found myself doing the 5 step sleep method espoused in this book the first night after i gave birth, swaddling, shushing, rocking, etc...i thanked the author in my head. he was right it knocked her out immediately and does to this day. within minutes.

 this book rocks for breastfeeding mothers who return to work. it talks about pumping milk, how to freeze milk, etc. but most importantly it is a personal account of the women who lived it. who pumped at work, in a tiny room, while their children were in someone else's' care. too many breastfeeding books don't touch pumping, or if they do, they parade out a list of horribles that happen when you do or (((GASP)) return to work.

i love "momma zen." it helps you attempt to find peace in motherhood and serves as a reminder to cherish these moments even in the madness that is parenthood. 

 

this book

 shows you how to effectively communicate with your baby. she tells you to tell your child what you are doing with them when you are doing it. as in, tell them when you are change their diaper. and to introduce them to people. it makes sense. i mean, studies show that infants as young as three months recognize sign language signs. so little ones are most definitely can communicate. i am sure that eventually this will help her remember our friends and family and to be a little more calm when we are putting her in a car seat or changing her diaper. i think it already has, but who knows.

lastly, i freaking' LOVE and i mean LOVE this magazine. i get all excited when i get a new issue and read the articles slowly as if i am savoring every bite. it is the one parenting magazine i have found that doesn't assume that i stay at home....or read on a seventh grade level (as is the grade level most newspapers--popular media are). this magazine makes me remember that i have a brain. that i am not only a vessel of milk that oftentimes smells sour.  

** for the record when i post parenting posts i often feel guilt because i feel like i have left so many of you out. who were with me and my alleged crap eggs for three years. before i randomly won the greatest. lottery. know that i HATE that you aren't with me. and know that although you may not--i didn't for myself-me and my crap eggs hold out so much hope for you. it will happen. i pray with God speed.

xoxo

her middle initial is "A" for ADVANCED!

today ms. cate went to the pediatrician for her ONE month appointment. where we found out the expected-

her head, like her mother and father's, measures large. i guess she won't be able to wear hats either. we are officially the hatless family. like the headless family but different.

her weight is on the lower side of average. i was skinny as all as a wee one. until 30 and then not.so.much.

her height is slightly above average-like her parents too. but most people are short, so that's not a big deal.

but.get.this.

are.you.ready?

seriously people drum roll......

while at the doctor's she rolled over three times. on the table. the doctor gasped because apparently it didn't occur to the good doctor that ms. cate could roll off the table-because most babies don't roll over until 4-5 months. and she is a 1 month old. i didn't think much of it-i mean, she's been rolling over for two weeks. though, with a lot of struggle and only once at a time. i thought it was a bit early, but not this early. i think she only meant to roll over once and then freaked and kept going.

she's brilliant people. brilliant. next week...i am sure she'll be talking.

too much to say.

if you have read this blog once you will find no irony in the fact that i struggle with the "wordless" part of wordless wednesday. especially today. it's my first real day back at work. two weeks after i gave birth to a little wiggly thing that i love more than anything in my life. ever. 

i cried the whole way to work. i called k and tried to tell him that i was crying. he thought i said dying and frantically began looking for his keys. he told me that i could trust him and my MIL, which i do. wholly.

it isn't as bad as it sounds. she is napping at home with my husband and mother in law. both who are smitten and my mother in law knows more about raising children than i do. so, she is in good hands and asleep. 

my being back at work (for three hours mind you) is the only negative thing about my work life. i pan to work from home most days, k will watch here the only days that i will work. and i can always bring her in with me and even breastfeed her in my office.

she will only be with family for the first eight weeks and after that with a nanny across the street who my neighbors have adored for two years. for half a day. and i will work from home on most days. not to mention i doubt i will get paid any less. (because i will actually work and not dilly dally at work as much).(expect more typos).

overall, i am so very lucky.  in fact, i bet i could go and find twenty other mothers, in less than an hour, who'd trade places with me.

still. she was inside m for 10 months. and i love her.

it is what it is. and i need to focus on the positive. (i apologize if i sound whiny-i really do know that i am so.very lucky. in so many ways).

now that i have said my piece...here's the love of my life, our bitty poo poo canary:

 

the book.

this book is an easy to sew book from the fabric collection that i chose for the nursery. it is odd that i even found it. it is not included even on the fabric collection's web site. so they don't make it anymore. i got it from a saved search on ebay. it so cute. especially he last page, which every time i see, i think "oh, how nice, this is from my mom." the text makes little sense, but it is cute and she'll at least enjoy chewing and drooling it.

nursery pictures on wordless wednesday.