apron strings

DON'T LIKE THE DIRECTION WE ARE GOING TO (with small update)

Or maybe I do.

I dunno.

Adoption training this Friday afternoon and all day Saturday brought on much confusion. To both of us. Especially me.

I had thought I was okay moving forward with adoption *and* IVF. Now I am not so sure.

Of course, this comes at a time when we are on an adoption high (like a 'rocky mountain high' but different). All the families we met got placed very quickly, have great relationships with the birth-moms (who do not regret their decision to place their child for adoption and do not want to be co-parents), and are not still trying for biological children.

The reading materials suggest that we need to have mourned our infertility and have let go of our ability to have biological children. The materials suggest that continuing to hope for biological children means that you will resent an adopted child. What?

I am just not there yet. I mean, I am 32 and we haven't done the first IVF. You know? But then, I feel like they are going to be weird with me at the homestudy..."what do you mean, you are still trying!" "for shame!"

The one thing I am sure of...is that I want to adopt. Period. I just feel like it is the right decision for us. I also, want an adopted child to be our first, if at all possible. Based on my bizarre(?) belief that you always love your first child more, or at least the children always assume that and I think that would take a *bit* of the sting out of having been placed for adoption. (mom, should you find my blog...I know you love p more, and I'm chill with that. Really.) Or, maybe I want an adopted child first because I want them to know that we had time alone together for awhile before a biological child. (Assuming that ever happens).

We are debating on pulling out of IVF right now, for a year, or forever. I didn't like the drugs, the time away from work, (I mean, who does?!), the moderate chance of it not working, the potential of it working only leading to our miscarrying.

The thought of not having a biological child? Terrifying.  And even if it did not work we'd know we tried. 

HELP! I know! this is personal decision but I swear I need input.  What would you do?

****small UPDATE! costs:******

Adoption: $3,000. and with almost guranteed success(after k's work's contribution and tax credit and my lawyer friend's offer to do the legal work for free).

IVF: at least $18,000. and with in no way guranteed success.

Life on Easy Street

So, I'm calmer. thanks to k, the beautiful weather (the kind that makes you glad to be alive just to experience it) and all the great people in my life.

today was one of those days that I took a long lunch with the guy I practice with which included riding with the top down and singing along with Snoop Dog's "Gin in Juice" (rollin down the street, smokin' indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!) Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind] )I can't imagine what we must have looked like. Us, two pale faces, in an orange mini cooper, in suits waving our arms to snoop. And you know there is NO WAY you can listen to gin n' juice without singing the lyrics and waving. I think i even threw in a gang sign for good measure. WEST_SYYYIIIDDDEEE). We ended up sitting at the table next to the lady who invented spanx. I ate more fries than I should have in her honor. (look, I'm making my a$$ bigger just for you)

Then, I went to the Dentist...and who is 32 sans a cavity ever in her life? Yeah, baby. I got my fav hygienist. She's all business, but when I told her that I loved the jazz mix she was playing..she gave me a copy of it. How cool is that?

I managed to calm down over the weekend. For a day or so I swear I kept feeling a panic attack coming with this soundtrack running nonstop through my head "am i pregnant...am i not...if i am I could save us $$$...if I'm not maybe IVF won't work either." Really, it was awful.

I started meditating for thirty minutes a day and worked out a lot which made all the difference.

Today, I am calm. I am convinced that IVF turned IUI#2 is a bust. But not in a "nothinggoodeverhappenstome" kind of way...just a "well, it's too bad but its not a surprise and bring on the IVF" kind of way. Which is a healthy outlook.

We also have the adoption training in two weeks and after that we're we'll do the home study and be ready to adopt. K admitted that one of the reasons he wants to adopt is that it is our only hope of having a child with any athletic ability. I wanted to say "well, F you then" but then I remembered my 'glory' days in soccer when I would be the first to make it down the field with the ball and with all the time in world to line up a shot, I would hurry and NEVER make it into the goal. Seriously. It was sad. Embarrassing. So, I suppose k wants to adopt to help mankind, to experience raising a child and to have ANY hope of raising a professional athlete. Well, an athlete of any type. 

So that's where I am, convinced this IUI didn't work, rollin down the street, smokin indo, sipping on gin and juice, waiting to wait to adopt and looking forward to IVF.

peace.

I wish I could believe that this

would work.

or, i wish i could quit thinking about whether or not it has.

blech.

Should Have Been "Wake Me Up When October Ends"

Sheesh. So we did the IUI which is IUI 2. They did two inseminations. They used a fancy smancy sperm wash called PAF. (the Mercedes Benz of sperm washes if you will) . K's count was 35 and then 40 million which is good, but his motility was insanely high. Like little sprinters.

I'm bummed about the delay, and the added cost in the likely even that it doesn't work. But, in a way, this answers the "Should we have done a second IUI?" question for us. At least we'll know.

The REs say 'no way'...but I would bet Watson's $$ ('cause i'm only mostly sure)that I o'ed on Sunday night, twenty four hours after trigger and probably about 12 hours before insemination two. After two years this OCD/anal rentive chick knows when she o's.

Which reminds me that for our first IUI 'crapincompetantRE' aka Emory had me come in thrity six hours after trigger for our IUI. After I told them that I know I had o'ed over twenty fours hours earlier(b/c my temp went up...from 98.2 to 98.9).

RE thinks that at most three eggs will fertilize, if any. So, thanks for the offers to participate with double d's, short shorts, and slutti.ness galore, but it looks like you'll have to keep your clothes on.

I start progesterone and heparin 2X a day Wednesday. 

So, there's a tad bit o'hope that this will work. I'm preteniding that it isn't/hasn't happened so I don't get all mopey at the end of the month. And b/c i am so OVER thinking about it.

+++

In other thoughts...I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the emails/and helpful comments. K, who used to discount the internet and the advice it gave me, even said "what do your commenters think?" So, because he wanted to know, and I was desperate for any advice, I'd sit in the RE's waiting room, at bfast with my mom on Sunday, hitting "refresh" on my iphone so that I could see your comments.

We decided to abandon the IVF, move forward with the IUI, demand a different protocol next time with your help.

What do people without blogs do and MY HEAVENS what did infertiles do before the internet. How freakin' lonely would we all be?

So thanks.

QUESTION: RE says if this doesn't work, then NEXT month we could move ahead with IVF. The nurse thinks we should wait a month? What do you all think??

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Canceled. No IVF for this girl, at this time.

The RE's office called and said, that my estradiol flat-lined, yesterday it was 500 something...and today, too! Good times.

They were saying we could move ahead...and before they finished, (I was afraid the nurse would say trigger tonight, blah, blah, blah...click) I mentioned that k and I were not so sure we wanted to move ahead. Too few eggs for someone who should have 12-20. Too many big eggs mixed with too many small.

She responded with "the doctor asked that i tell you that you may not want to move ahead."  Although, she didn't think it was insane to go forward, either. I have told them repeatedly that this is our only IVF, so I think they want as many eggs as possible. Me too.

I was, and still am, in shock, so I can't really remember exactly what was said. I think the RE is more concerned about the estradiol flat-lining.

I AM TOO. Please, has anyone ever heard of this? I was at 150 ui, 2x a day, for three days then estradiol was at 300, then they lowered it to 75 a.m. and 150 p.m. My mind is spinning, was it the lowered estradiol?, my cyst? bcp and month of lupron??

I was all bummed about being canceled, although, since its my decision, well 'ours,' it feels less harsh. But it's a delay, and GOODGRIEFI'VEBEENINLINEFORTWOYEARS (all the while watching crack heads break in line in front of us.)

But then an internet friend ( the nice friend who invited me to dinner on the day of cyst which recently spawned an infertility dinner group, called "Bitter, Party of Six") suggested that we do an IUI. Brilliant.

RE said "sure." So, IUI2, it is. Tomorrow a.m. And then again on Monday.  We will trigger tonight.

I know, an IUI with 9 eggs. I have to process what that means. Although, I know you've got my back, and I know she'll run a car wash on the weekends to buy diapers for my sextuplets. Right?

(if you must know I think she has a s.lutty side and would even bust some dai.sy d.uke shorts if it meant more diapers=  )

infertiles who aren't happy:me

apparently, my 9 eggs are so big that we will likely trigger tomorrow night. I know i should be grateful for 9...although that 9 is likely going to be 6. Two are so big that they will be too mature, and one is at 1.0 (or 10).

now, the whole thing is in question. i may not go forward. my thinking is that retrival is the most expensive thing of IVF, and I KNOW this is a low count for me. A year ago, on an unmedicated cycle(in fact before i ever took the first fertility drug) my antral follicle count was 23!

i think they could have stimulated me different so that they grew slower. i am not a dr, but logic tells me that we could have more.

i wouldn't care as much if we had never gotten pregnant, or if my chemcials had happened in a different way...but the thing is, all four times have happened at the exact same time in my cycle.  Which makes myself and the RE believe that there is a genetic milestone that our embryos cannot make it through.

Which means we need PGD. And PGD requires a number of embies. In my mind.

So, please help me with my questions....i know these are personal decisions, like asking you if you'd marry k, but i need help! Assvice PLEASE!

1. Should we go forward with only 9?

2. Should we still do PGD?

3. Does this have any chance of working out?

Tales of Greedy Ovaries (Day 2 of Stim Monitoring) UPDATE

Please tell me I am a crazy worrier. Today, the 4th day of stims....I *only* had eight follies measuring about 1.7. Yesterday's estradiol was 321.

I wasn't worried, figuring that the eight will turn into 12 and then....the on duty nurse (at 7a.m....so she is probably new or low-ranking) said "you'll probably end up with a few more. What?

I don't mean to be greedy, but we're doing PGD and I'd like FET's for obvious reasons......so me want lots o'eggies.

I started on Follistim four days ago at 150 ui and they've lowered me to 75 ui. (which is REALLY low.. alot of people are on 300-400)

HELP! Tell me I'll be okay. (And while I LOVE you all...love you mean it...pllllleeeeeaaaasssseeee DO NOT tell me if you know how 8 follies at this stage means that this cycle is going to pot, or that that you (sorry!) or someone you know started this way and it crapped out...ok?? because i am dong everything under the moon to try to stay positive)

UPDATE: I know you're all just sitting on your seats...begging for more info on my follies. Estradiol is up to 500 something. Its looking like we will trigger on Mon or Tue with Retrival on Thursday or Friday and so ET will be the next Tuesday or Wednesday(25th or the 26th). Holy smokes. this.is.begining to feel real.