Or maybe I do.
I dunno.
Adoption training this Friday afternoon and all day Saturday brought on much confusion. To both of us. Especially me.
I had thought I was okay moving forward with adoption *and* IVF. Now I am not so sure.
Of course, this comes at a time when we are on an adoption high (like a 'rocky mountain high' but different). All the families we met got placed very quickly, have great relationships with the birth-moms (who do not regret their decision to place their child for adoption and do not want to be co-parents), and are not still trying for biological children.
The reading materials suggest that we need to have mourned our infertility and have let go of our ability to have biological children. The materials suggest that continuing to hope for biological children means that you will resent an adopted child. What?
I am just not there yet. I mean, I am 32 and we haven't done the first IVF. You know? But then, I feel like they are going to be weird with me at the homestudy..."what do you mean, you are still trying!" "for shame!"
The one thing I am sure of...is that I want to adopt. Period. I just feel like it is the right decision for us. I also, want an adopted child to be our first, if at all possible. Based on my bizarre(?) belief that you always love your first child more, or at least the children always assume that and I think that would take a *bit* of the sting out of having been placed for adoption. (mom, should you find my blog...I know you love p more, and I'm chill with that. Really.) Or, maybe I want an adopted child first because I want them to know that we had time alone together for awhile before a biological child. (Assuming that ever happens).
We are debating on pulling out of IVF right now, for a year, or forever. I didn't like the drugs, the time away from work, (I mean, who does?!), the moderate chance of it not working, the potential of it working only leading to our miscarrying.
The thought of not having a biological child? Terrifying. And even if it did not work we'd know we tried.
HELP! I know! this is personal decision but I swear I need input. What would you do?
****small UPDATE! costs:******
Adoption: $3,000. and with almost guranteed success(after k's work's contribution and tax credit and my lawyer friend's offer to do the legal work for free).
IVF: at least $18,000. and with in no way guranteed success.


