apron strings

He's Not All That Bad.

My cheating, if now remorseful, husband. And if you a part of your wifey's lack of sleep-at least leave a poem for her in the morning. Though, (should I admit this?) it is lately about my other love-dear Winston-leaving Cate and I). 

Waiting for me the morning following a, poem-defined, night. 

***

Insomniac

by Galway Kinnell

I open my eyes to see how the night
is progressing. The clock glows green,
the light of the last-quarter moon
shines up off the snow into our bedroom.
Her portion of our oceanic duvet
lies completely flat. The words
of the shepherd in Tristan, "Waste
and empty, the sea," come back to me.
Where can she be? Then in the furrow
where the duvet overlaps her pillow,
a small hank of brown hair
shows itself, her marker that she's here,
asleep, somewhere down in the dark
underneath. Now she rotates
herself a quarter turn, from strewn
all unfolded on her back to bunched
in a Z on her side, with her back to me.
I squirm nearer, careful not to break
into the immensity of her sleep,
and lie there absorbing the astounding
quantity of heat a slender body
ovens up around itself.
Her slow, purring, sometimes snorish,
perfectly intelligible sleeping sounds
abruptly stop. A leg darts back
and hooks my ankle with its foot
and draws me closer. Immediately
her sleeping sounds resume, telling me:
"Come, press against me, yes, like that,
put your right elbow on my hipbone, perfect,
and your right hand at my breasts, yes, that's it,
now your left arm, which has become extra,
stow it somewhere out of the way, good.
Entangled with each other so, unsleeping one,
together we will outsleep the night."

***

-This token reeks of the sweet, literature loving husband I fell in love with-what a nice reminder of such and reminder of what was and could be.

It's All In The Small Things

So, as I blogged about a while ago- I told K that I need him to apologize for what he's done to me, us, himself, our girls and our families. We had a whole marriage counseling session about it. At the session I learned that he put off doing it because it was so hard for him to own up to it. Because, as he put it, "he's always thought of himself as a moral guy" and not in a "talk radio kind of way." 

Even after that session he didn't apologize. 

It may seem pissy of me to want-need- regular apologies-especially since it is so hard for him.  As I told him-it's hard for me to even fantasize about forgiving him-so, he needs to join the club. I need to hear that he's sorry-so that every time I face a trigger-like driving past the high school where he decided to throw our 14 years together away-I have a recent memory of his remorse to soothe the anger and sadness.  

I will also not assume that he is sorry. I assumed that he was just too busy or too stoic to be an intimate partner in this marriage-and worst of all, I assumed he loved me even though he didn't show it. 

I also feel, like so many betrayed spouses, that the world is moving on-that this nightmare in my life is a distant memory to them. Honestly, in the short run, it'd be easy for us both to forget that it ever happened-but that'd only make it worse. 

Thus, to be able to forgive I need  to hear an apology. Not a groveling boo-hooing deal-just "hey, what I did hurt you and I'm sorry." 

Which he has become the master of. He's so sweet about it- sometimes when he comes to bed after me-he'll curl up with me and whisper something like "What I did was horrible, and you -and we-deserved better....."

Today, after we watched the news about the Tiger Woods saga he apologized again. In a cute, "hey, babe, I really fucked up..." and then he turned around and said "and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you letting me move back in....." 

While I won't let him get out of giving me what I need to move on-to forgive-I do get and appreciate how hard it is for him.  And it is. He is introverted and while intellectually gifted-his emotional I.Q. is lacking to say the least. 

It's amazing what a simple sentiment said can do.  Every time he apologizes I move a bit closer to believing that I can stay and that we can work. Honestly, it makes my day so much easier. 

Most of all, it allows me to believe in our working things out and raising these girls together. 

_____________________________________________________

For the record-he's done so, so much to fix our marriage and himself. He's cut back on work, and works to present in our marriage.  He's even gotten a baby sitter and taken me out a couple of times. He is the one who insists on marriage counseling-he makes all the plans, etc. I think he is so happy to know that he doesn't have to be this lonely, grumpy, workaholic anymore.  What's funny-is that he is so much happier-well, we both are. For now at least.  I am still, in a lot of ways, waiting for the other shoe to drop-and no one could blame me. 

For the Second Time In Our Lives My Mom, K & I Shed A Few Tears....

While sitting at the same table. 

The first being when he asked me to marry him in front of my family. 

Also the first time I've ever felt the urge to warmly touch someone and simultaneously slap someone-k-forcefully across his face. 

K, Cate and I went out of town this part weekend. We went to Serenbe-a rural & new urban community that is self-sustaining (where, as an aside, I'd like to move in two-three years)(Either single or happily married to K.)  

Earlier in the week I'd told my mom that K and I planned  to take Cate on a hay ride that ended at the farm where she could pet animals-most notably a week old donkey. 

The day after we got there I noticed that I'd missed three calls from my mom-which was odd because she knew we were out of town.  We walked to the Inn-the only place that I had reception-and called my mom. 

She told me, with only her pride holding back tears, that she'd been laid off from her job-and they'd only given her a few weeks of severance. Which is horrible for a lot of reasons, but that's a whole other very sad post. 

She told me that she wanted to see me to "look over her severance papers" and make sure they were" legally sound." Read: she wanted to see her daughter and that I am an attorney gave her an excuse to. But she didn't "want to bother me" and would "wait to see me" when we got back. 

I begged her to come take the hay ride with us to get her mind off of things, and to see us and Cate.  She declined saying that she was incredibly busy and would just wait to "meet with me." 

My mom's core harbors more pride than anyone I've ever met. She is just one of those people who will never admit that someone-or life-has gotten the better of her.  In her mind-she desperately needed to see an attorney-and that I was her daughter and one of the people she is closest too-and who hugs her the tightest-had nothing to do with it-of course, wink....wink... 

To my and K's-especially K's-when the hay ride was about to begin - my mom pulls into the Inn's parking lot. I don't think this is how K imagined seeing his mother-in-law for the first time after cheating on her daughter. 

They sort of kindly avoided each other during the hay ride. Of course, Cate had gotten up two hours early (at 6:00 a.m. instead of 8:00 a.m. ) for the first time in six months. So, she slept through the entire hay ride and petting zoo. 

Afterwards we decided to grab lunch in the development's village. 

We sat and they made small talk and K and my mom, Lynne, sat as far away from each other as possible and neither would look at each other. While I knew that my mom was angry and hurt by his actions-I didn't really get it until my therapist told me to know that while K betrayed me-his wife- he also betrayed my mother's baby. As a mother--just hearing that-and thinking of Cate made my heart sink. 

All of a sudden K says, "Lynne, I need to tell you  something." While he looked down at the table, he twiddled with his wedding band- and started with "I did a horrible, horrible thing...." just like when he proposed I had a hard time paying attention-it's hard to when so many emotions are pumping through your entire being.

He continued, now while looking into her teary eyes.... "and there are no excuses-and I can never never say anything to undue it. I am sorry that I broke my vows to Christina-your daughter-and betrayed you. "She nor you and her family deserved this...." And "I know that words are meaningless-and I've just got to continue to act on my regret....." I am grateful that Christina's been generous enough to allow me a second chance for now...and I hope that you'll find it in you to do the same...."

His words were genuine. (of course-so were his wedding vows-when he said them...) . My mom said she'd "try to forgive him" but only if his goal in life became removing "the sadness she saw in her daughter's eyes."

While he got himself here-at least he has the courage to own up to his actions-not make excuses-and to swallow what he's done to me. My mom is a hard person to hurt-she isn't a pushover-but she is one of the kindest people on the planet. Who's treated K like one of her own children since our wedding. In fact, she's shown him more love than his own mother. 

It meant a lot to me-and my mom. His seeing-and working to truly understand- the havoc he's caused in my family's life-makes me hopeful about a reconciliation. 

__________

Tell me. Have you ever forgiven someone for this much of a betrayal? What did you do to do that? What did the betrayer do-or not do-to allow you to forgive them-or not? 

Sooooooo.

My friend's baby does have to have open-heart surgery. BUT-apparently it's 'not as big of a deal' as you and I might think. It's scary as hell-but the success rates are incredibly high-and little one's recovery won't take as long as we thought. In fact, little one will only be in the hospital for four days. 

Which means that my friend won't have to put off her residency again. My poor friend. She won't say it-but now that her surprise baby is here-I don't think she wants to be a doctor. Or at least not enough to justify working 90 hour weeks for three years. But when ya got $180,000 in loans......

K and I are doing great. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and he is really, really, trying. He even read "The Five Languages of Love." I asked him too, of course, but still. It is the cheesiest book on the planet that YOU MUST READ.  The guy's theory is that not all of us receive love the same way. So if our partners show love by cooking, "an act of service," and we need our partners to tell us that they love us "words of affirmation"--then we all end up frustrated. It.is.so.cheesy. And written on a seventh grade level--but I am telling you everyone I know who has read agrees-it will change your relationships. 

Even though we are doing great-I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am worried sick that he is just doing what it takes to "fix it."  Or that there is something I don't know.  I still have a hard time believing that it was one time. Though he swears. And admits that he would have done it again had I not caught him. And he told me other things that I would have never known. And he's been completely transparent. 

Right now I am trying to mourn the loss of our marriage-in a way-and just concentrate on Cate and Shiny.  I remind myself often that just because I have stayed for the moment doesn't mean I can't leave in six months. Or next year. 

______________

Many of you have emailed me for the PW and I just haven't gotten around to it. Sorry! And I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs. Bad blogger. No cookie. 

 

 

What To Speak When Your Friend Experiences The Unspeakable

i.e. What to say to your friend when their spouse has an affair. Like infertility- even well-meaning comments can burn. What you'll notice is that-all of you say the right things in the comments. Funny, huh? Though, after all these years of great support and advice- I shouldn't be surprised. 

How To Support Your Betrayed Friend/Mother/Brother/Sibling/Colleague When Their Significant Other Has An Affair

SAY. 

1. This wasn't your fault. (Study after study shows this.) Happily married people have affairs everyday. Ask them "Were you ever unhappy? Did you cheat?"

2.  Of course he is selfish/thoughtless/evil/a jerk. i.e. validate, validate, validate. 

3.  You couldn't have known. Affairs demand deception. 

4. That they are about to find out how strong they are. That you know this about them. 

5. Tell them to get individual counseling. 

6. Tell them that you will support them whether they leave or stay. 

7.  Tell them that if there are details about the affair that they don't want to share with anyone else--that they can with you and you will be their vault. 

8.  You didn't deserve this. 

9. This is about him/her and *their* emotional problems. 

10. No, you're not weak if you consider staying. (but only if they say it first). Lots of marriages survive infidelity-when the cheater is remorseful, honest and willing to change--and proves this willingness with action. 

11. You have every right to walk away-children or not. (but only if they say it first-I am beating a dead horse-no?) 

12. You are not alone. (the best support I've found by far is www.survivinginfidelity.com)

13.  Of course it's okay for you to leave/stay--but only if they say it--i.e. don't recommend either-just validate. 

14. Tell them not to leave the house-they didn't have the affair-their s/o did. (and this has legal consequences). 

15. Tell them that it's okay to want to burn the cheaters clothes/fire bomb their vehicle, to confront the other person in person--but urge them not to because this can have horrible legal consequences-especially in regards to custody. 

16.  Tell them to talk to a divorce attorney whether or not they intend to divorce. The best one in town (it will conflict the cheater out of the best attorney, show the cheater that they mean business-and if someone has cheated on you--you don't know what else they've done-plus, obviously, they don't have your best interests-or your children's in mind.) They'll pay up to $400.00 for a consult--but it will be the best money they spend. And the fact is-if you find out you are married to a cheater-you have to consider divorce. 

Do.

1. Invite yourself over the first night after d-day--and bring food.  You may have to force it-the last thing I wanted was to entertain anyone-and I almost told them not to come-but I was so happy they did.  This would never would have occurred to me to do for a friend in my situation--but I can't tell you how much it saved me when two dear friends did this for me.  

I hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours-and I wanted to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep. 

Two dear friends-one with a home cooked meal (enough to last for days) and another with fries, chocolate and ice cream showed up. Oh, and animal crackers in case "I wanted to bite the head off of something." I can't tell you how much that night meant to me--it was the best meal I'd ever had in my life.  They also made fun of all his emails- to his mistress-and helped me change all his email passwords to unflattering names. Believe it or not we laughed for a long time. I went to bed knowing that I wasn't alone. And that I was very much loved. 

2. Tenderly try to imply that they aren't being advocate for themselves if they aren't."Hmmmm....do you think you are sticking up for yourself? Is what he doing to you fair?"  Women, especially, are bad not to stick up for themselves or hold the cheater accountable. 

3. Call them often. My brother calls me everyday and if I don't pick up-leaves this voice mail " Hey Chris, it's your bro-I know you can't/may not be able to talk but if you want to I'm here. You don't have to call me back-I know you're busy-but I am going to call everyday just in case you need to talk."

4. Invite them places just in case they don't want to be alone-for the first time in a long time- but understand if they say no-and keep inviting them. 

5. Give them my email if they want someone to talk to- christina.apronstrings@gmail.com.

Don't

1. Say you know exactly how they feel-because thankfully you don't. 

2. Suggest that they 'try giving staying together a chance' or that "at least you can work it out" or "do it for the children." Because, this makes the betrayed feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to them--doesn't matter. And we are already thinking this. If not beating ourselves over the head with it. 

3. Say that you know what you would do-because you don't. 

________________________________________

There is a new post on my PWP blog. 

I am behind on sending out the log in information. But if you want the PW and haven't emailed me in the last week please do at: christina.apronstrings@gmail.com.