apron strings

on this too often dreaded day; a message of hope to my peeps.xoxoxoxoxooxo

Waiting for the Moon

My friend called today

   tears in her voice

Her period started

  and her dreams for a new baby are postponed

  yet another month.

I hold my infant to my breast

  eager mouth tugging and pulling

  little hands patting and stroking.

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years

  did I kneel and weep

  pressing my hands to my empty womb

  rocking on my heels

  pleading with cruel fate

"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears

  as I felt my youth slip away

  moon after moon

  cycle after cycle

  month after month

  year after long year

My grief was indescribable

  unendurable

  mourning a child not yet conceived

  only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived

  but lost in pain and blood and tears.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that defined my young womanhood.

eight years of eternal emptiness

  years defined by the Moon

By blood

By hope and by tears.

                  II

I have not missed those cycles

the moon rising within

the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure

and rather than by a lunar month

  I am   

defined by nursing

by a small demanding mouth

by the fullness of my breast

by rich sweet milk that drips from me

and flows life and love to my child.

I will not (cannot) forget, though,

the years my womb wept blood tears,

the months the shards

of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision

another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me

I am bound to the Earth, to the small body

of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles

and seeks and heals my tattered soul

and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,

  but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman

first published in Midwifery Today

three, it's the magic number. yes it is, it's the magic number.

3 years we've been trying for a baby.

3 days until my birthday on december 31.

33 the age i'll be

3 the hour at which we will consult with a new clinic

3 hours away

3 states away

3 number of months we'll spend on their waiting list (!!!)

3 ways of trying to get little ones in our house. (adoption, two waiting lists for donor)

pray G-d that this, this will add up to one.

nothing. and everything.

i hope you had/are having a nice holiday.

ours is much needed. because we need a minute to think. while i am bummed, and definitely calling a SC clinic to look into other options, maybe a six month delay wouldn't be bad? they said 6-9 months, but of course, all i heard was nine, and if they were wrong at best/lying to us at worst about no wait....i think we should assume the worst.

our money is a mess. we've both been so busy at work, that we just let our financial dealings slide. we're so unorganized. our want to make each other happy is only adding to the problem. k and i have some problems in our marriage...the one thing we do have is a deep care for one another. the worst thing about infertility to us as individuals is that it means we have to watch the other one suffer. and suffer. and never get what they want. this is why k can't stand to read my blog. we placated each other with gifts this christmas. we have never spent this much on each other. ever. i told my mom that we can't have a a baby, so G-d damn we're getting everything else. which is ironic, in that we need to be saving more $$ now more than ever. with a possible donor cycle and adoption looming. it's hard not to try to fill the void with gifts. when any hope of baby seems further away than ever. so, we've decided to live like students again for the next six months to save and pay down debt.

i need to lose weight. outside of my first year in law school, (when i sat and studied 10 hours a day after riding a bike six miles a day in undergrad) i have never weighed this much. the good thing is...my reaction to this means that all that counseling worked. before counseling, had i gained this much weight ...i would have constantly belittled myself. now, honestly, i think i look ok. which is a first. but, i am almost too big for the biggest sewing pattern offered in sewing patterns and i loathe expanding patterns to fit. it sucks and it never looks right. plus, i am growing out of my suits in the biggest sizes, and as you know suits cost $$. so, a few months to drop a few pounds would be great.

although, in three hours, i will be calling a fertility clinic referred to me in the comments. screw money and weight...i want a baby.

here's my favorite present...i love it because k thought about what i wanted and got it right. (usually i write down want i want and tell him where to get it...because when i don;'t i get $15. starbucks gift certificates and grocery flowers)(okay, that was just for our fourth anniversary. but still.). anywho, he bought me a new camera bag. which is a big deal in that i take my camera everywhere and my former camera bags looked so masculine . so ugly. so night-rider. and advertised, "hey, there's nice camera equipment in here.'  the picture doesn't do it justice..it's a delicious brown with with a polka-dot lining. it's high functioning as well. seriously people, i heart it. what was your favorite pressie? and i pray that you got one!

i have so much to tell you!

-bidding on the actual outfit on project runway.

-a possible career change.

-the six sewing projects i finished, the seven i am working on at the moment.

because enough is enough.

three times in my life i refused to accept anymore.

1. steven gr.een's constant abuse. I grew up in a tough, if working class, neighborhood. With a poor mom who bought me clothes from yard sales. (which i wouldn't change for anything in the world). steven tortured me on a constant basis. he threw bricks in front of me, riding my pink huffy at high speeds down a hilly aruba drive. in a effort to cause havoc on my final descent into the cul de sac that he lived on. luckily, I always avoided his hoped-for disaster, but never without clever maneuvering.

even worse, he led the fifteen or so other kids at our bus stop, at the beginning of the road, in front of my house in making fun of the hideous red, polyester, with some sort of used-to-be fluffy fake fur coat. the first kid who owned it managed to make it not-so-fluffy. everyday, they'd all laugh at me in my yard sale red polyester coat. i'm not sure how long it went on, of course it seemed like forever, but in reality lasted a couple of weeks or so.

one day, something triggered my inner 'i won't take this anymore' and with adrenaline pumping through my veins, i, in my yard sale red polyester coat, beat the living daylights out of him. i remember as i straddled him, which in itself was quite the feat, in that his stature likely doubled mine. i punched him straight in the face over and over. the other kids just stood by in silent utter amazement in that the kid they made fun of, this previously thought weak little thing, was kicking the shite out of the bully. i kept on and kept on and would have gone on, until the bus pulled up and out came the female bus driver who pulled me, still wailing, off of him. the kids on the bus were rolling with the laughter. stev.en green got his ass kicked. he was red faced, bruised and had to go to the school nurse. i, brushed myself off as though I'd merely tripped. And walked up the bus stairs with my head held high. needless to say, that was the end of that. and any other making fun of me from elementary school through high-school. 

2. k, after we dated long distance for two years, announced that he would not follow me to law school. even though i planned on applying to fifteen law schools all across the country and would go to the one where he got a job. even though he loved me dearly. he said 'he didn't want to jeopardize his career." so, i announced that we weren't dating any longer at all or until he compromised. he stubbornly refused. By the way, this is never spoken of in our marriage, because he views it as the greatest mistake he has made. so, i broke up with him and refused all contact with him. every time he called, which was at least forty times, i would answer the phone say 'fuck you' and hang up. i sent all letters back. all flowers got immediately shoved down the trash compactor. for six months. to be sure, at this point, we had dated for three years and talked almost everyday. enough was enough, and thanks to three years of women's studies, i knew who i was. i knew that i was worth more than any career. right before i gradated, he came into Tucson and begged at the door. obviously, things worked out.

3. waiting 6-9 months is not good enough. so, i plan to pummel, Steven Gree,n style, our nearly retired RE. we've waited 2.5 years. and eighteen more months for a baby, is unacceptable. i haven't decided what we'll do. my SIL offered to donate her eggs, but she is 35 and it would be $6,000. more. there are clinics with waiting donors, although i am having a hard time finding something in our price range which is $16,000-$22,000.00.

i don't know what we'll do. it will be something. because we've waited long enough. and from the beginning, we've deserved more.

are you an inny or an outy?

what i looked like on the outside when i saw a CVS cashier, who looked at least seven months pregnant, smoking her second cigarette (she started the first as i walked in. to buy tampons) while sitting on the sidewalk.

what i felt like on the inside:

the unbearable state of being thankful

while i would never choose infertility for myself, i can say that it has added to my life in a few ways that i have no choice but to be thankful.

the first person (who would surely be an anonymous commenter) who writes that "everything happens for a reason" gets it. THAT is not the point.

ahem. so, infertility has done the obvious, made me realize what a miracle conception and childbirth are, made me closer to my husband, etc.

the two most important things IF has added to my life are a softer me and the relationship i had always dreamed i'd have with my mom.

when we were younger, and still at home, i think my mother was just too busy surviving to be a mother. i don't want to compile a long list of her shortcomings (in my view) because our relationship has taken a new direction.

even k is amazed.

this all started to happen a year ago, after a year of our not being able to have a family. i don't know what made her change. maybe it was her seeing me so upset for so long, or her first time ever stable personal life?

i don't know, and i guess there is something to the statement that you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

i'll just say that the extent of her transformation is remarkable. here's a  short, abridged, chart:

**then**                      

would talk about herself for hours and would never ask how i was. when i graduated from college, she didn't even know my major!

would never ask me to do anything. she would never want to spend time with me.

was a horrible listener, would wait to talk and reply to anything i said with a story about her.

did not filter anything that she said. so, she said hurtful and insensitive comments with regularity.

**now**

asks me questions about myself. let's me ramble on and on about IF and our lives.

calls me every other day.

insists on seeing me once a week.

hasn't said anything untoward for almost a year. (i..e she found a filter)she will repeat to me things that i've told her. so i know she is listening.

so, how has infertility (if you are indeed infertile) added to your life? anything??

hope those of us in the U.S.

had a happy thanksgiving. a day on which we should be very thankful to NOT be a turkey. 

a  confession. i am drunk slightly tipsy after onetoomany (namely two) of those cute little toazty coconut numbers. which is why i keep laughing every time i read sentence two. turkey. get it? TURKEY!

thankfully, i had only had one drink when k inexplicably ended up saying a prayer. out loud. out loud. k, mr. atheist. he has, for the past few years, tried to be nice to my overly religious parents and especially my overly religious stepdad by offering to let him say a short prayer. this thanksgiving, my stepdad, threw up the prayer shield (or so my brother and i kept saying, after my parents left when we were giving k endless s.hit) and the chore of the saying the prayer somehow landed on k.

i did have to go into the bathroom right afterward to laugh. thank god i was on the pot or i would have surely wet my pants.

k,never having said a prayer, much less one out loud, started out ok but then it collapsed into a series of statements like this:

"good lord, thank you for this day. it's a nice day. we have turkey. and it's thanksgiving"

while everyone else had bowed heads and closed eyes, my brother, his wife and i were making eyes at each other, all trying our hardest to not laugh.

luckily, we made it.

i hope you all did too.

blogging.

this blogging everyday is making me feel like the assistants at Martha Stewart, Living. having to come up with posts everyday is what they must feel like when they have to come up upteen crafts for every issue. with potentially the same results. some of that magazine's craft projects are so obviously from people who've been asked a few too many times to come up with projects. printing out butterflies and taping them to ceramics, i mean really?

but alas. here we are post number 18 of the 11th month.

in reproductive news...we have decided to do something sciency in another state in january. either a donor embryo cycle or a fresh donor cycle. k is leaning towards a donor embryo cycle while i am leaning towards a donor egg cycle. he, as always, is thinking of the money. a donor embryo cycle is $4,500. a fresh donor egg cycle, split, is $11,000 (and i actually think it ends up to be more). his theory is that we can do three embryo cycles for the same price as one embryo cycle. (what do you all think?)

oh, and i forgot to add that we *think* that k's work will pay for the embryo 'adoption' which means that it would cost $1,500.00.

i would like our child to have some sort of bio connection to one of us. mainly, because i think it would be easier for a child to grasp. and what's $11,000. (a crazy amount to blow on something that is more likely NOT to work if you're NOT IF).

we'll see what sciency baby-making doctor says. on december 3rd. with eager ears. (not such an eager beaver). (ok, don't hate...you KNOW you wanted to make that joke)(especially you).

in creative news. my embroidery software completely.shut down. and in a way that no little troubleshooting menu was going to help. pray, for the sake of everyone in the house even cricket, that i can figure it out or someone is going to go insane. i have christmas crafting to do. for the sake of pete!

i hope that you all have a wonderful thanksgiving week. and may we get ready to begin the year in which we will be mothers.

Life on Easy Street

So, I'm calmer. thanks to k, the beautiful weather (the kind that makes you glad to be alive just to experience it) and all the great people in my life.

today was one of those days that I took a long lunch with the guy I practice with which included riding with the top down and singing along with Snoop Dog's "Gin in Juice" (rollin down the street, smokin' indo, sippin on gin and juice (beeotch!) Laid back [with my mind on my money and my money on my mind] )I can't imagine what we must have looked like. Us, two pale faces, in an orange mini cooper, in suits waving our arms to snoop. And you know there is NO WAY you can listen to gin n' juice without singing the lyrics and waving. I think i even threw in a gang sign for good measure. WEST_SYYYIIIDDDEEE). We ended up sitting at the table next to the lady who invented spanx. I ate more fries than I should have in her honor. (look, I'm making my a$$ bigger just for you)

Then, I went to the Dentist...and who is 32 sans a cavity ever in her life? Yeah, baby. I got my fav hygienist. She's all business, but when I told her that I loved the jazz mix she was playing..she gave me a copy of it. How cool is that?

I managed to calm down over the weekend. For a day or so I swear I kept feeling a panic attack coming with this soundtrack running nonstop through my head "am i pregnant...am i not...if i am I could save us $$$...if I'm not maybe IVF won't work either." Really, it was awful.

I started meditating for thirty minutes a day and worked out a lot which made all the difference.

Today, I am calm. I am convinced that IVF turned IUI#2 is a bust. But not in a "nothinggoodeverhappenstome" kind of way...just a "well, it's too bad but its not a surprise and bring on the IVF" kind of way. Which is a healthy outlook.

We also have the adoption training in two weeks and after that we're we'll do the home study and be ready to adopt. K admitted that one of the reasons he wants to adopt is that it is our only hope of having a child with any athletic ability. I wanted to say "well, F you then" but then I remembered my 'glory' days in soccer when I would be the first to make it down the field with the ball and with all the time in world to line up a shot, I would hurry and NEVER make it into the goal. Seriously. It was sad. Embarrassing. So, I suppose k wants to adopt to help mankind, to experience raising a child and to have ANY hope of raising a professional athlete. Well, an athlete of any type. 

So that's where I am, convinced this IUI didn't work, rollin down the street, smokin indo, sipping on gin and juice, waiting to wait to adopt and looking forward to IVF.

peace.

hope springs eternal and lets hope the ovaries follow suit WITH FOLLIE UPDATE

so k and i attended an adoption dealio today. at first i was nervous and afraid I'd get a speech on how all of their babies are born on meth and that we'd just have to deal.

and my shrink says i catastrophise. As if.

the short story is...i have the best feeling about adoption and this agency. i don't know that i believe in signs but believe in gut feelings and that when something seems suspicious, you should go with that. I think that the opposite is at foot presently. My gut feeling is that good things are going to come of this.

a dear friend referred me to this agency which is a quasi-public services agency.  i've since befriended a woman who will be showing our profile and she and i have gotten off to a good start. she knows my friend who referred me and she is a former attorney.

that with the fact that another friend who is a family attorney called to see how the meeting went and said that "she is excited to get the phone call to begin the adoption paperwork for us."  for free. that and the adoption credit k's work is giving us and the tax write off....means that when all this is said and done, it will end up being the cost a FET. And it will work ;  ).

i also love the agency's honesty. they try to do everything they can to get the bm's to keep their infants...b/c obviously that's what we all want. they also will do everything in their power to ascertain whether or not she is going to take the infant (THE HORROR!) back within the ten days and if they sense that then the infant goes into foster care to save the adoptive parents. Only once in the past ten years has a bm revoked the adoption.

Also, did you know that most adoptive parents end up wanting to communicate too much with the birth parents? (It's (obviously) just to painful for them.) Most birth parents simply want pictures and a visit once a year. Which is, of course, the least we would do.   

it just seems....right. Not to mention that the agency has a resource room with reading materials that we can check out and counseling if we need it...and guess where it is? In a city of 6 million and who only knows how many offices....it's in the same building as my office. I feel cheesy...but it just feels so right that all of this is just falling into place.

but I'm not crazy. k and i decided that:

-if we get preggy with twins ....(which won't happen) then no adoption.

-if we get pregnant with a singleton.....adoption

-if we get pregnant with the IVF1 and end up with 5 or more frozen embies that made it thru PGD...then its iffy. we'll just have to see. i think we would still adopt...but we'll have to see.

***now to the catty part ...the husband in one of the prospective adoptive parents was an ahole! OMG! Let's go over some quotes:

"So...this open adoption thing...which is new to me (snarky look at wife)...is that where you HAVE to talk to the birth parents?"

"How enforceable are the open adoption agreements?"

"What if you move, do they still get to see your kid?"

***

Are you kidding me? Crazy, huh?

Wish me luck...tomorrow is the big follie check. I'm afraid!

**************************************************************************

UPDATE: So, this a.m. first stim check went great. A lot of times, after only three day of stims, they don't see any follies yet or one or two small ones that measure under 1.0. I have 8(!!!!) four on each side! The largest is 1.4 and they all measure close to that.  Groovy, eh? They may even lower my follistim which means less $$ for us. (at $400 a vial that last two 1/2 days.

This is GREAT news for K and I because for whatever reasons we don't seem to produce viable embryos hence the 4 chemcials) so we'll need a lot to get some viable (hopefully!) embryos outta PGD.

Will update as the story grows;  )