3 years we've been trying for a baby.
3 days until my birthday on december 31.
33 the age i'll be
3 the hour at which we will consult with a new clinic
3 hours away
3 states away
3 number of months we'll spend on their waiting list (!!!)
3 ways of trying to get little ones in our house. (adoption, two waiting lists for donor)
pray G-d that this, this will add up to one.
this blogging everyday is making me feel like the assistants at Martha Stewart, Living. having to come up with posts everyday is what they must feel like when they have to come up upteen crafts for every issue. with potentially the same results. some of that magazine's craft projects are so obviously from people who've been asked a few too many times to come up with projects. printing out butterflies and taping them to ceramics, i mean really?
but alas. here we are post number 18 of the 11th month.
in reproductive news...we have decided to do something sciency in another state in january. either a donor embryo cycle or a fresh donor cycle. k is leaning towards a donor embryo cycle while i am leaning towards a donor egg cycle. he, as always, is thinking of the money. a donor embryo cycle is $4,500. a fresh donor egg cycle, split, is $11,000 (and i actually think it ends up to be more). his theory is that we can do three embryo cycles for the same price as one embryo cycle. (what do you all think?)
oh, and i forgot to add that we *think* that k's work will pay for the embryo 'adoption' which means that it would cost $1,500.00.
i would like our child to have some sort of bio connection to one of us. mainly, because i think it would be easier for a child to grasp. and what's $11,000. (a crazy amount to blow on something that is more likely NOT to work if you're NOT IF).
we'll see what sciency baby-making doctor says. on december 3rd. with eager ears. (not such an eager beaver). (ok, don't hate...you KNOW you wanted to make that joke)(especially you).
in creative news. my embroidery software completely.shut down. and in a way that no little troubleshooting menu was going to help. pray, for the sake of everyone in the house even cricket, that i can figure it out or someone is going to go insane. i have christmas crafting to do. for the sake of pete!
i hope that you all have a wonderful thanksgiving week. and may we get ready to begin the year in which we will be mothers.
i love my husbands strangely enormous hands. that exude strength. they're farming hands. that in a different era would have served him well. they are big-boned. so much so that his football teammates called him ten thumbs. they remind me of my german grandfather's enormous pale hands. i love that we had to order a special sized 12 ring when we got married.
and i like my hands. goodness knows there is waaay too much i don't like about my body. but i do like my hands. they're narrow with long slender fingers. i have my grandmother's piano hands. and her size 4.5 ring finger.
i also love my hazelly-green, very round, eyes. that match my mother's. and my olive skin. that made me blend into the background of turkish people one summer.
i love the ears that my husband and his brothers inherited from their father. and his impossible pale as an over-exposed sky in a photograph, blue eyes. they're big and sit amongst brownish red eyelashes and under a head full of ridiculously curly hair that is the perfect color for a pair of j.crew cords.
i think it's funny that my poor nephew has the exact same cow-licks as my brother. they're in the worst places too. like the side of his head.
i like how my mother, brother and i are such light sleepers and that the three of us are always out of bed by 7:00 a.m.
although, i've always hoped that our children would inherit k's sleep habits. k sleeps so soundly. and can fall asleep anywhere.
the thing about adoption, is that it is great. and a blessing. but there is a loss. and the knowledge that it will be matched by the child you will be so lucky to raise. a child wants to look like their parents.
ours will not.
if i tell you this...you mustn't think me crazy, k?
k and i are looking into adopting toddler siblings from kazakhstan. for a lot of reasons.
it could happen very quickly. as in six months...which is pretty fast.
it occurred to me the other day that i could be on 37 when we start on baby two. i'm almost 33 (december 31st start saving) and then we wait a year for baby, and then another year for baby two...and well, i NEVER wanted to be the mother of an infant at 38/39. No offense, i know life doesn't pan out the way we plan most of the time, but if you can get what you want, shouldn't you at least consider it?
we would match ourselves with little ones from an orphanage. assuming this all worked, we could put our names on hold at the adoption agency until the little ones were moved in an then we could wait for an infant.
i know it's a change of course but a couple of things have gotten me thinking...one, my age and desire to be a relatively young mom, and that i want three. and, i would like to play catch up, i mean, we'd be on baby two sans IF.
i know it's crazy. but my schedule is flexible ( i am lucky enough to be able to work 9-2 or school hours)...and, they would both be in school (pre-K and k). they are 4 and 6. Yes, i have their pictures already. They may not work out but there are, sadly, a lot and there aren't a whole lot of people trying to adopt 4 and 6 year olds.
the $$$ would hurt. in fact, i am not even positive how we would swing it? i am hoping to pull it out of my ear.
but, it would be less expensive, i wouldn't have to take much time off of work, k and i are both former teachers, and k taught in compton. mostly eighth graders who were failing because they were reading on a 3rd grade level. Until the end of the year when they (all but one) read on a 8th grade level.
and i want to adopt siblings for obvious reasons.
am i crazy? dreaming? overly optimistic? insane? spill.
(by the way...i finished the shirt!)
This is not an easy decision for me. Us.
Eighty percent of the time I am hopeful to be moving ahead with adoption and not IVF. Ten percent of the time I am in a panic wondering what the h3ll we are thinking. Wondering to myself, how it is that two professionals can't spend $20,000.00 on the dream of a lifetime even if it is a gamble. (then I remember my $115,000. in law school loans.)(the other ten percent of the time I am on the phone with my friends saying SHUT!UP! while drinking starbucks and driving a manual.)
Yes, I know that I don't have to decide today. I know, it's only been a week since I first considered the idea...but I DON'T like indecision. K? Well, K LIVES for indecision. He likes to think things for over for a minimum of three years. Ok, not really. He actually thinks things through before deciding major life issues. PHA-SHA! He only wanted to wait until we got back from Wyoming and the elk I hope to see to decide whether to move forward with IVF and adoption or both. He wanted to wait three weeks. But then I started crying and I admit these words were uttered "but, you said we could go ahead with adoption, and now you're saying you want to wait until NOVEMBER...I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me.sniffle, sniffle"
But to even contemplate not doing IF treatment ...I HAVE to be doing everything I can for adoption. Fingerprints, exams, headstands...(I'm pretty sure that's high Ms. Hope got matched so quickly...she pulled out the much coveted headstand trick). Uh oh, I suck at headstands.
So, while we are moving forward with the adoption deal, I can still feel okay about not doing IVF.
Although, on the news (ok, Enews...the news that matters! NPR is having their fall fundraiser. a.k.a. snooooozzzeeee.) last night, when I saw that Hallie (said as though she is my best friend) is pregnant....I got all bummed out. I have no idea why her pregnancy would make me want to do IVF...hmmm, maybe because I'm hoping that pregnancy will make me tall and slim with insanely smooth skin and a bitty belly? (hey, you're the one who calls pregnancy a miracle!)
But this a.m. I was as chipper as ever and feeling good about our decision to postpone IVF for a long while. I go back and forth, although, most of the time, I'm ok with not doing IVF right now.
The above is 1/100000000000th of what has gone through my bitty brain in the last week.
The only two things k's has said about putting IVF on the back burner for awhile:
1. We need a win. (is this like baseball?)
2. I can't stand to see you cry in another doctor's office. (he doesn't mean 'you,' silly).
That really is the only two things he's said. And he means it.
I love my almost silent husband.
For fun and as a way to get me more focused on our adoption plan...I am even contemplating sewing up some curtains and other nursery items...ONLY AFTER our application is accepted.
As always, I welcome feedback. Not on the curtains, silly....the decision.
HOW CLEVER AM I???? See, get it...stork in the road! With all this effort, I WILL be as witty as Ms. Watson one day. With any luck without the fissures.
Thanks so much for the helpful advice. I considered every statement. Every single one added to our thought process during our long conversation last night. I couldn't agree more with My Reality's (an adoptee herself) that it is too bad that so many people, and here the adoption agency, view adoption as somehow second best or the last resort. If I am honest, I have to admit that I did too...in the very beginning. In fact, it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I truly realized...that adoption isn't the same as parenting a biological child. It's different and more complicated if every bit as joyous.
While I am still going back and forth with continuing fertility treatments...I am most of time, committed to stopping them for at least six months and probably a year.
For a lot of reasons. I do want to adopt no matter what. I want an adopted child to be our first born for the reasons I wrote about yesterday.
Also, it very well may turn out to be naive of us to believe, but I have a lot of hope that we will get matched relatively quickly. Maybe even within 6-9months. We have decided that a Hispanic. baby(ies; ) would fit nicely with our family (for a lot of well thought out reasons (that I look forward to blogging about)...mainly that they can 'pass'as ours as I have a olive complexion and thus they won't have a neon sign over their head that screams "ADOPTED!")
We think that placement will be relatively quick because the majority of the infants placed were from Hispanic birth mothers.And most of the potential adoptive parents want non-Hispanic (African-American infants or Caucasian) infants.
But who knows. I think in a year we would know and could make a better decision about IVF.
Although, the statistics don't necessarily back up to this belief. Seven families went to the training, which is only held twice a year. I think, to be on the safe side- that at least five of them will proceed. And even if you assume that 10 couples show up for the next training in July, and all of them signed up, that adds 15 couples max to the waiting list. Two out of the seven couples are African-American and the wait for African American infants, for a lot of horrible reasons...namely racism....is very short...like two-three months on average. So I am *assuming* that the African-American couples will be placed with African American infants pretty quickly.
BY THE WAY...I HATE that we had to consider Race. Hated it. But this is the Deep South, and it is what it is. I base all my opinions, on my thoughts, which may very well be misguided. I *think* that were I an African-American birth-mother, that I would only place my child with a Black family. Namely, because I cannot bear to think of my child as the only black face in a room full of white faces on Christmas morning. You know what I mean? I think it is as simple as that. (and I must say...the most racist place I have ever lived is NJ by far. Weird, eh?I think that was because I went to a very liberal lschool that had great minority programs that created a lot of resentment among a lot of naturally competitive students..but I digress).
Last year, the agency placed ten infants for adoption. The year before that they placed 18. They have had as many as 40 people on the waiting list and as little as 15.
I have to stop, the math is hurting my head. And who knows, because the BM chooses the adoptive parents, so the guessing really is a crap shoot. Although, the agency staff has a lot more control than they are willing to admit. One of the birth parents we met had only been shown one potential adoptive family. Weird, huh? But, they were a great match. Both very religious in the same religion and all red-heads; ).
All three of the adoptive parents were matched within 6 months, two within three months. One family was African American, and two were Caucasian and placed with Caucasian infants.
Now, I kind of feel like an a$$. Give me a white-hood and we'll call it good. I really don't mean to be so flippant about things that are so important. And maybe it's a good idea to get my beliefs, if misguided, out there. Because, if misguided...while it would hurt, I should probably know about it.
I just am trying to figure out when we may have the infant in our arms that we have dreamt about for so long.
So, for today, we are planning on pulling out of IVF #1 and moving full steam ahead with adoption.
I would LOVE IT if anyone is good with math and can figure our odds of placement within 6 months. ; )
Cure for the sting of a BFN and a pregnancy announcement (on the same day) of someone who started ttc'ing when I did TWO YEARS ago with her FIRST and this is her second....=buying a nonrefundable vaca!!!
I'm psyched and buying the vaca sooooo took the sting out of the above. k was apprehensive but when he found out he could play golf he was on board. Men...you all are so easy.
The trip and the following are proof positive that I am mid-way through a mid-fertility crisis:
-we're starting a IVF cycle that will PRAY G-D be complete by the time we leave on our vaca. Because you must know today is CD 1 and I start stims tomorrow and I will not be suppressed. (I know...not being suppressed is going to mean I get OHSS..the RE assures me that isn't the case but you now how that goes). We'll hopefully be leaving a few days after the transfer. We've got a 5 day window. (moving forward with the IVF is contingent on my not having cysts at tomorrow's u/s). How crazy is it that we're moving forward? (seriously PLEASE ADVISE) RE says air travel is fine, statistically it would be after implantation if that is going to happen. (we're likely doing a 5day transfer which implants within 48 hours).
-I'm getting my mousy brown longer-than-shoulder-length hair chopped tomorrow and dyed as blond as I can get w/out looking like a Vegas w.hore. I know- CRAZY. But, I've always wanted to do that and I've had the same hair (with the exception of once in college where I got it chopped and it was awful. Not to be but it looked like I was a softball coach. I am not kidding) for FIFTEEN YEARS! Plus, it takes forty-five minutes to blow dry and style (so that I hide the mousiness) and then it falls flat within 15 and gets pulled back in a sloppy bun. What's funny is that I promise i will cry....I don't like change. But, I must save myself from myself. Seriously, if my hair grows one inch more I'm a look alike of Andre.a Yates. YUCK!
So,
is moving ahead with IVF that we'll only have 21 days to do when it will take at least 12 ok? i really want to cycle and would love to be on vaca during the 2ww.
how crazy am i to chop and dye le hair?
***uh, remember how I said moving forward with IVF would only happen if I didn't have any cysts...um, yeah....so I have FIVE the smallest is 23 and the largest 38. What.The.Heesy? So, that's that. I'm not upset. Although I didn't think I was upset about the IUI not working, but i started to doubt that after sobbing into my hands a snotty, snorty cry this a.m. at the RE when they told me to get a beta.
But coming up....The Story of Thin Brown Mousey to short Spiky Dykey to Blond Ambition; A Hair Story. (hair cut in T-minus two hours)
