It's Not Up to You.

Kids don't give a rat's ass if daddy hurt mom's feeling ten years ago-kids want their parents to stay married. Study after study says that. Period. That alone made me agree to try to make it work. 

(I'm taking the picture-guess who's behind me-who they're smiling at? Yeah, I don't regret giving them a second chance of a family. *Trying to.*) 

What's so nutty-is that my 'friend'-despite what she said-really quit liking me when I didn't immediately file for divorce. In fact, she wrote "not only did she stay she only made him leave for a few weeks." Honestly, I wanted him back in the house the first minute I thought I could be in the same room with him without slapping him in the face. That's the truth-and I'm a pacifist. Why? Because he was out of his everlovin mind-clearly.He was drinking in his car on the way to work. WTF? That's what people do when they are very broken. He said he just wanted to get caught-get fired-anything to make it stop. Guess who I don't want out on the streets staying in an extended stay hotel? Um, yeah, my child's father who I am still legally tied too-not to mention I still loved him-and cared about him as a friend. We both agree had I not let him back into the house he would have ended up in a ditch or jail-or god knows. That's what happens when years of hurt and self hatred come boiling to the service. (Though, the less selfish of us-go to counseling and so our spouses don't find themselves wanting to punch us in the face.)

Did I give him a big bear hug when we came home? Back into our room? Even on the same floor? Not so much. In fact, it was months before I let him be within slapping distance. I don't know why-ok, I know why....-but not why I had this insatiable desire to punch him in the face. He wanted me to. Wouldn't you? It's understandable on both ends. 

Nor did he move back into our room for a long time-and yeah, there was a cold wind blowing through our bedroom for over a year. Frigid. He knows down to the day -until I let him near me. 

And you know what-I sometimes still hate him for what he did to *us." Loaded our marriage down with this heavy gray mud. I can't believe three years later-it remains in our thoughts. I asked him something the other day-can't remember exactly what-but something like- why it made him so uncomfortable to talk about "x" and said that he didn't feel safe-because he still thinks I am going to walk out and still can't really, really believe that I'm going to stick around. That's some heavy crap for both of us-and only one of us deserves some of it. 

And you know-I'm probably naive-but I believe that most people-in normal situations are good. I do know for sure, that all of us are better than the worst thing we've ever done. 

So, immediately defining our 15 year relationship by a selfish mistake made in the weakest time in someones life-beyond not being fair to me-it sure as all would have been selfish to not even try to give two little girls a chance of a mommy and a daddy. 

That's all. I just have to say out loud that its not the weak that stay-and the strong that run the minute trouble rolls in-infact, it's the opposite. It's the moms and dads who can look past their own hurt feelings & muster the courage to risk being torn apart again-because-honestly-the decision as to whether or not to try-well, that's not our job to decide. 

***

Strong or not-it's my opinion-and I'm practicing what I preach. Also note-that I said "try" not "stay for the children no matter what"-that's co-copendent crap to weigh your children down. To K's credit he owned his crap-is and has been in counseling-12 step and has not one  time hinted at it being ok, my fault, and continues to tell show me he is remorseful (versus regretful.)  

Comments

[Christina (ApronStrings)]

@Rachel--

1. Before you made an assat comment you should have read the entire post-you'd have seen that I said IF they are willing to try and NO abuse (violent or emotional) should you even consider it. My mom left my dad after waaaayyyyy toooo long-which also contributed to my decision to TRY to work it out.

2. Really? It's MY blog which is specifically for MY opinion. I think you meant to say-its not your place to come to MY blog and write YOUR opinion based on YOUR misreading of MY post.Don't like it? Leave and don't let the door hit your mean girl ass on the way out.

love,
Christina,ApronStrings

P.S. You either have a nice sister or you have a split personality-someone from your same ip left a kind and thoughtful comment on THIS post.

[RachelInStitches]

Not all kids want their parents to stay together. My mother should have left my father LONG before she did.
Leaving him took tremendous strength. It's offensive that you say strong people stay to work it out. Whatever works for you is fine. The way you are broadcasting your opinion about what other people should do in difficult marriages is bullcrap.

[Charlynnaz@aol.com]

I say do what makes your family strong and happy. FYI your kids are too cute :)

Charlynn in AZ :)

[megan]

*were too many.

[megan]

Amen, sister. I admire you. You are a deep thinker and you see the greys in life - you do not see life in black and white - because life is NOT in black and white. Relationships are complex, multi-layered - it would seem insane, to me, to throw it all away even though I know it was incredibly painful. For some people, leaving would be the right choice - because there was too many past hurts, not enough foundation, etc. You don't need to justify anything - it's your life, your relationship, your love. Anyway, don't let the turkeys get you down! Love you, lady!

[Christina (ApronStrings)]

@Jennifer-I think you're 100% right-why is she still lurking around my brain? We weren't that close-Ive known her less than any other girlfriend.
My guess is-its the same reason I am so defensive in this post and in general-because deep down I sometimes fear that she's /was right.
But, you're right -what a waste of time. And besides, I've already made the decision, and we are happy. So point taken.

[Christina (ApronStrings)]

@Jessica-

So you have no idea what any of us are talking about-there's no way you could. When I first got married and before I became a mom-I'd probably would agree with you and would have thought I spoke with authority too.

I know you think it--and you may say you "know" but until you are a mom-you don't really know the lengths you will go to save your children from harm. You will when (God wiling) you have children the minute you hold your child in your arms-you'll get it. You never, never, ever, ever would let something so minor as your pride/feelings trample on your child's relationship with their father and emotional well being. I hope my children never found out about that one night three years ago that changed everything-but if they do-you and I both know-as we were once children ourselves-that they're not going to exclaim "mom you should have walked out that minute!" What they will have seen-and will (God willing) continue to see is two adults who came into a marriage from broken homes themselves and worked and worked to make things right-to make things better. Because they loved each other-and as will be evident-they loved their children more and enough to fight for a healthy home for them instead of throwing the in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Protecting and forgiving the forgivable (but not naively forgetting)--that-that-- is love/parenting.

In short,
*****
The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget.
-Thomas S. Szasz, 1920
*****

[Jennifer]

Congratulations on staying together. This message does really come across as judging couples who do break up as less strong. That just isn't fair. It also seems like you are pretty hung up on what that ex "friend" of yours has to say. Forget the friend, forget what other couples do. Just be happy.

[Jessica]

Nothing, actually, is going on in my life that is relevant to this. Happily married, no children yet. I just know that, for me, I would care very much about teaching my children about self-respect and that love means, well, at the very least, being faithful.

[niobe]

Like you said, pretty much everyone says "Oh, if my husband cheated on me and/or developed an alcohol problem, I'd kick him to the curb."

And, you know what? Until they've been in that situation, they have absolutely no idea what they'd actually do.

[ChrisTina]

Kate- omg! We need to talk. I emailed you a month ago? I will again. To be sure- but not to yell-- WE BOTH WANTED TO TRY TO MAKE IT WORK. And by "wanted" I mean he went to and is still in counseling. Has never, never one time pretended it was okay- he's been transparent-etc.
If he tried to pretend that crap was "ok" or not a big deal- that's awhole different story. At some point you owe it to yourself and your children to leave. Divorce will still suck but that's on him- better than letting them watch him self-destruct.
I'm sorry you have any idea what I am talking about. Really, really sorry. :(

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

I'm pretty sure my relationship with my husband would be in a much different place right now if we didn't have kids. Not just because of the obvious impact that kids have on the day-to-day workings of a relationship, but because had the events of this past January happened pre-kid, I would have run away in a heartbeat. And in truth, I still don't know exactly how to go forward from here. My husband is broken, and he does not want to fix himself, but he's not broken enough that I see it impacting our boys, and not broken enough that I think he'll *never* be mended, but broken enough that I see every day behaviors that I wish he would consider "fixing". He may not be having erotic chats with strange women anymore (as far as I know), but the underlying problems that lead to those chats are still there, and still haven't been fixed or addressed. BUT, like you said, I really feel like it would be taking the easy way out to pack up the boys and move back home, like I would be doing the children an incredible disservice to not stay long enough to give him the chance to work through this stuff. I don't know if there is some point at which I will quit tolerating the lack of "working on" things-- and I do think there is a point-- but for now, I owe it to all of us to keep waiting, keep supporting, and mostly, keep hoping that he'll eventually see how desperately he needs to resolve some serious issues that he has.

This grown-up relationship stuff is hard.

[Christina (ApronStrings)]

@Jessica
I'm not sure what's going on in your life that made you react so poorly and strongly. (difference of opinion-one thing-insulting someone because of their opinion-entirely another.) I think you might be confused. I said "trying" i.e. meaning going to counseling-not staying to stay no matter what.

I've never once seen a study that talked about money having anything to do with children with two parents having better emotional lives,I'll link to the most in-depth divorce study ever done-over 25 years. I mean, do we need a study? Go outside your door-ask the first kid you see is money why they're happy that their parents are together? Or if their parents are divorced if they ever once were sad because of more/less money-they'll look at you like you're an alien. If this were a video chat-I'm doing a great impression.

If you think I don't have self-respect-you obviously haven't been in my presence for more than 10 seconds-or even to this blog before....so, telling me that I don't love my husband or he doesn't love me after 15-is not a sound opinion.

If you're thinking about a divorce-I'm not insulting you. Not every parent wants to try to work things out-we did. *We * did. If you're one of those who proclaim-"I'd leave if my husband did that!!!!" Hopefully, you'll never be one of the ones to learn the hard way that 90% of people say that while only 12% of them end up divorcing (to their credit.)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0786886161/?tag=brazecaree-20-a link to the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." (it's the 25 year study.)

Here's a link that clears up the myth of $ that you reference.
http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/marriage/debunking-divorce-myths4.htm

I found both of these reference in a blog responding to another blog. Hopefully, I'll have the time to come back and give them proper credit for their citations.

[Jessica]

Actually, most studies that boast of "staying together for the kids" fail to account for the money factor; growing up richer because you have a two parent family is likely a strong cause of why the "stay together" kids have better outcomes. There is much to be said for teaching your children about true love and self-respect, too.