Kids don't give a rat's ass if daddy hurt mom's feeling ten years ago-kids want their parents to stay married. Study after study says that. Period. That alone made me agree to try to make it work.
(I'm taking the picture-guess who's behind me-who they're smiling at? Yeah, I don't regret giving them a second chance of a family. *Trying to.*)
What's so nutty-is that my 'friend'-despite what she said-really quit liking me when I didn't immediately file for divorce. In fact, she wrote "not only did she stay she only made him leave for a few weeks." Honestly, I wanted him back in the house the first minute I thought I could be in the same room with him without slapping him in the face. That's the truth-and I'm a pacifist. Why? Because he was out of his everlovin mind-clearly.He was drinking in his car on the way to work. WTF? That's what people do when they are very broken. He said he just wanted to get caught-get fired-anything to make it stop. Guess who I don't want out on the streets staying in an extended stay hotel? Um, yeah, my child's father who I am still legally tied too-not to mention I still loved him-and cared about him as a friend. We both agree had I not let him back into the house he would have ended up in a ditch or jail-or god knows. That's what happens when years of hurt and self hatred come boiling to the service. (Though, the less selfish of us-go to counseling and so our spouses don't find themselves wanting to punch us in the face.)
Did I give him a big bear hug when we came home? Back into our room? Even on the same floor? Not so much. In fact, it was months before I let him be within slapping distance. I don't know why-ok, I know why....-but not why I had this insatiable desire to punch him in the face. He wanted me to. Wouldn't you? It's understandable on both ends.
Nor did he move back into our room for a long time-and yeah, there was a cold wind blowing through our bedroom for over a year. Frigid. He knows down to the day -until I let him near me.
And you know what-I sometimes still hate him for what he did to *us." Loaded our marriage down with this heavy gray mud. I can't believe three years later-it remains in our thoughts. I asked him something the other day-can't remember exactly what-but something like- why it made him so uncomfortable to talk about "x" and said that he didn't feel safe-because he still thinks I am going to walk out and still can't really, really believe that I'm going to stick around. That's some heavy crap for both of us-and only one of us deserves some of it.
And you know-I'm probably naive-but I believe that most people-in normal situations are good. I do know for sure, that all of us are better than the worst thing we've ever done.
So, immediately defining our 15 year relationship by a selfish mistake made in the weakest time in someones life-beyond not being fair to me-it sure as all would have been selfish to not even try to give two little girls a chance of a mommy and a daddy.
That's all. I just have to say out loud that its not the weak that stay-and the strong that run the minute trouble rolls in-infact, it's the opposite. It's the moms and dads who can look past their own hurt feelings & muster the courage to risk being torn apart again-because-honestly-the decision as to whether or not to try-well, that's not our job to decide.
Strong or not-it's my opinion-and I'm practicing what I preach. Also note-that I said "try" not "stay for the children no matter what"-that's co-copendent crap to weigh your children down. To K's credit he owned his crap-is and has been in counseling-12 step and has not one time hinted at it being ok, my fault, and continues to tell show me he is remorseful (versus regretful.)