No Apologies Necessary.

Why must the lucky ones among us apologize for that luck? 

I know, how pissy does that sound? Until recently I couldn't stop apologizing. For being an attorney, for being able to pay for a nice house, for having children, for, for, for. 

How ridicilious would it have been had someone apologized for having a great marraiger-when my most definitey was not? Did their not saying it "I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY HAPPY MARRIAGE!" mean that they weren't?  

I quit apologizng when a dear friend showed me how much I did it-and wondered why. Why is a long story-but I feel freer letting all the guilt go-by stopping the incessant, meekish, always there...."I'm sorry." It's seldom said that explicitly-but always said for the same reason.

I should have known that I didn't even like my apologizig habit. It's hard-and that doesn't mean that I am any less grateful-which is exactly how it's always been. 

I've stopped. Of course, what I'm beating around the bush to say-I assume that anyone (the two of you) reading my blog-know that I am forever grateful-and on a daily basis-for my three lovely children. Waking up to them-is always like waking up to Christmas morning when I was a kid--eventually. Honestly-that was immediately the case with two-oh my GAWD! I have two children!!! Now-with three-namely an infant who I cannot-cannot-say no to-ever (seriously, it's shameful). So, some mornings I'm exhausted-and seeing that Flower and Scout removed all their clothes and bed sheets and that my little prince hasn't slept all night-it takes an hour or so to really suck in and feel how deeply I love my girls. 

But I do. So, I'm not going to rewrite the smae paragraph over and over about how grateful I am for my children. If you've been here for more than a paragraph or been in my presence for more than ten minutes you know that. 

You stop too. We know you're gratful for your one baby-we know that. Stop apologizing. You can be grateful for your one baby and desperately long for another. And who is the universe to take that away from you? Why must you apologize to the universe for daring to want a second? 

You don't have to. And I won't anymore. 

(The above has kept me away from here. I need to come back. Or go somewhere. I just have to get it out.)

 

Comments

[JP]

I didn't realize you had blogged since June. I had checked back a time or two, but apparently, that was before December. I am glad your baby boy arrived safely and that all three kids are doing well. I am also so glad to read that you and K are thriving in your marriage. I admire your committment. I was mostly a lurker before, but I still missed your writing when you stopped.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

I think we (well, I...) have the tendency to apologize because we remember what it was like to be on the other side, to have the longing for a family, and to see how many people we knew took their own ability to easily reproduce for granted. And we don't ever want to be seen as someone who takes it for granted.

There are days when the gratitude is easier, and days when it's harder (way harder!), but all in all, yes. I am in Bliss-Land right now. I try not to spend too much time apologizing, but I do find myself in the habit of downplaying my happiness so as not to hurt someone else. Sometimes I wish that wasn't the case, but then other times, I know how hurt I feel by people who don't seem to understand how hard some things are for me (like the colleague who offered the helpful "why don't you *just* get a sitter?" advice... um, well, because childcare is expensive, dude! And we've never used a non-family member sitter, and I don't want to, just to go to some stupid happy hour with people I don't really like...).

We choose our lifestyle, and I won't apologize for that, but I do try not to be gloaty about being a SAHM, because I know lots of people who would like to do so, but can't for whatever reason. It works for us, I love it, and I wouldn't change it, but I'm not going to pretend that it's for everyone.

Anyway, that's what I mean, I guess, by saying that I try to be careful about singing from the rooftops about how happy my life makes me. People tend to jump from "I'm so glad I get to stay home with my kids!" to "Psh. Women should NEVER WORK and ALWAYS stay home with their kids, FOREVER.", which is SOOOOOO not the case. So, by not seeming happy about my choices, I suppose I come across as apologetic. I need to find a balance, I guess.