So, when I found myself pregnant so soon after Flower, I got very cagey on this blog and in general as to whether or not we were trying.
The thing is we welcomed another pregnancy because otherwise we would have done SOMETHING to prevent. We did nothing. (sorry to over share.) But neither of us would admit it to each other. We said we wanted a third-eventually, maybe.
We weren't damn sure we didn't want a third-and that is the only way a happily married couple will go the extra mile to prevent. We're damn sure we can't EVER handle a fourth. So, that's that.
No child of mine is an unwanted child because my parents did not want me. They loved me plenty-and they never said that didn't want me-but, I came right before a divorce and during a time of poverty for them. They didn't say they didn't want me-but their actions did.
So, for this baby's sake-and to be right in the universe-I had to say that he was wanted. Had to think that. I had to want him. I also didn't want to miscarry. I was afraid that if I thought I didn't want him, my body might harm him. (I'm only slightly irrational, eh?).
Plus, I knew that a healthy child would not result from a third pregnancy. I knew it was not going to end well. Infertile to three healthy children-not likely. (I would believe that I made it up-that it was all in my head-did I not fail to produce viable eggs during that IVF).
My narcissist 'friend' needed to fvck off-when my pregnancy "appalled" her. Who does she think she is? Instead I groveled and basically begged her to "approve" my pregnancy. I know-bizarre, isn't it? Though, if you know someone with NPD it makes perfect sense.
So, that's that.