apron strings

Why Am I The One Who's Embarrassed?

So, yesterday I went to see my psychiatrist, the specialist in pre & post-natal mental health whom (who? $150,000.00 education and I still don't effin know)(Niobe? anyone?) I've seen for nearly three years. 

I hadn't seen him since I found out that my husband had sex with a stranger. Two days after we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I had cancelled twice before and only went this time because I was almost out of my anti-depressant and I figured now wasn't the time to stop taking it. 

I blew off the other appointments because I couldn't get out of bed in time. Though, I couldn't sleep either. I also realized yesterday that I dreaded-dreaded telling him. And because I live with depression and am pregnant and a mother-I must. 

Maybe we shouldn't be-but my shrink and I are friends. We've talked at length about how 'heavy' our jobs are-how we carry around so many secrets and the troubles of our clients. How awesome his three sons are and how his wife is the boss of him. Our in-laws, student loans, etc. 

I felt like Hillary Clinton-how fvckin embarrassing. Hi, my name is Christina, I am an attorney who lives in a nice house and goes to church on holidays.  And my husband has sex with married high-school principals. On campus. I don't mean that "I am too big time" for my husband to have sex with a stranger. Or maybe I do. I just never thought there would be this much Jerry Springer in my life. 

It was cool that I could tell him who this high school principal lady is. I did to him what so many of my clients do to me-unload their secrets. He couldn't believe it either. 

I also told him that even before all this happened I had started feeling 'heavy.' It was becoming harder and harder to get out of bed. At first I thought it was pregnancy fatigue-but after months of feeling 'heavy' I realized that my depression had set in once again before my husband had sex with a stranger-and obviously this had made it worse. 

I say obviously-honestly-I didn't realize how depressed I really was until I took "Beck's Depression Inventory"  This is for a lot of reasons but namely my mother doesn't believe in depression. And despite the fact that her husband, my dad, and my dad's dad's tried (and one did) kill themselves with a firearm- she really thinks that 'people are about as happy as they make themselves....." And if they went to church they would feel perfectly fine. So, I've internalized that dangerous belief and honestly just feel like I am being lazy when clearly it's depression. 

Anyway, I am rambling. I don't have time to write an organized post. I just want to say that it sucked having to tell someone I like and respect that my life is a live Jerry Springer episode. And that being depressed is miserable enough when you don't have anything to be sad about.....

__________________________________________________

I just now agreed to go to marriage counseling. I wanted him to get his act together before I would even entertain a reconciliation. Our first appointment is tomorrow. Joy! I get to talk about it again. 

I am about to post a new post on the PWP blog. Everyone who has asked should have the PW by now. If you don't -email me. As always, thanks for reading. 

Heaven Help Us.

 I am so excited Shiny is a girl. Two girls seems easier. Definitely cheaper. While I was terribly worried* about Shiny until I saw that she was just fine....my honest-to-God first thought upon finding out Shiny's a girl...."OMG-awesome-I don't have to buy a thing; Less money and time!!!" 

It's funny how practical I've become with my second child. With this pregnancy. Mostly out of necessity. We bought her furniture off of craigslist-it's a $2,000.00 set-real wood from Italy-that we paid $800.00 for-but still. Craigs.list.   My mom asked me what color we were going to paint the nursery-and I thought ..."whaaaa....paint the nursery?" and looked at her like she'd gone off the deep-end. However, K is going to paint it. Because it's a small room and we have a gallon of paint left over from another project. I know. Awful!

This makes me feel incredibly guilty. And that's separate and apart from the ton o'guilt from a surprise SECOND pregnancy.  

All in all, I am so.so.happy. Two baby girls. ((SIGH)).

________________________________________________________

*don't EVER. EVER. read a blog about a pregnant woman who goes into her 18 week u/s to find out that her baby is incredibly sick the night before your 18 weeks u/s. When you've been stressed out of your mind b/c of your stupid husband's cheating and you've not been eating right. And worry everyday that the stress has endangered your little one. Seriously. Click.Away. 

________________________________________________________

Friday Insights.

Soooo......this Friday is the anatomy scan.  Assuming we have a cooperative baby-we should be able to tell the gender.

I think it is a girl. I don't know why-I just do. Which I am ok with-of course. It be neat to have one of each.  But two girls would rock too.  It will save us so.much.money.  Though, I think a boy and Cate would fight less. And since they are going to be 18 months apart.......

Either way-I am just so excited to know even more about this little person.

I've started thinking about names....naming Cate, "Cate"--complicates things. I love-LOVE- Nathenial-but, um "Nate and Cate!" doesn't sound so grand, eh? I also like Natalie. I also like Graham-But then they'd be "Catherine Graham."

I sort of did all I could on Cate's name. That's all I had. In fact, I wish I could use her middle name for baby two's first name. No, I am not kidding. But I think they would eventually figure it out. DAMMIT!

Do you think shiny is a little girl or boy? (I would do a poll-but we both know I am not as cool nor talented as Niobe.)

Care to share some names? If I choose it--I'll use it to name my second born!!! And mail you some chocolate!

Sooooooo.

My friend's baby does have to have open-heart surgery. BUT-apparently it's 'not as big of a deal' as you and I might think. It's scary as hell-but the success rates are incredibly high-and little one's recovery won't take as long as we thought. In fact, little one will only be in the hospital for four days. 

Which means that my friend won't have to put off her residency again. My poor friend. She won't say it-but now that her surprise baby is here-I don't think she wants to be a doctor. Or at least not enough to justify working 90 hour weeks for three years. But when ya got $180,000 in loans......

K and I are doing great. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling and he is really, really, trying. He even read "The Five Languages of Love." I asked him too, of course, but still. It is the cheesiest book on the planet that YOU MUST READ.  The guy's theory is that not all of us receive love the same way. So if our partners show love by cooking, "an act of service," and we need our partners to tell us that they love us "words of affirmation"--then we all end up frustrated. It.is.so.cheesy. And written on a seventh grade level--but I am telling you everyone I know who has read agrees-it will change your relationships. 

Even though we are doing great-I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am worried sick that he is just doing what it takes to "fix it."  Or that there is something I don't know.  I still have a hard time believing that it was one time. Though he swears. And admits that he would have done it again had I not caught him. And he told me other things that I would have never known. And he's been completely transparent. 

Right now I am trying to mourn the loss of our marriage-in a way-and just concentrate on Cate and Shiny.  I remind myself often that just because I have stayed for the moment doesn't mean I can't leave in six months. Or next year. 

______________

Many of you have emailed me for the PW and I just haven't gotten around to it. Sorry! And I am so behind on reading everyone's blogs. Bad blogger. No cookie. 

 

 

I'm Back.

I apologize for my lack of blogging. I've been out of town and working and living. 

Two weeks ago I went to see my friend who had her baby at 26 weeks.  What a cute tiny little one.  You forget how little a little baby is.  She's doing okay-but some serious scary is on the horizon.  She has a heart defect-which millions of people have. Which wouldn't be a big deal and wouldn't require surgery--were she not a preemie who lived off of an oxygen tank for months.  Something about constricted blood vessels.  Anyway-she will have to have heart surgery either now or when she is three.  

If it is now-it will be open heart surgery. At three-it would be an out-patient surgery. An eight pound baby having open heart surgery.  Which is terrifying. As is my friend, who's scheduled to be a resident,  trying to start paying back $180,000.00 in loans because she would have to forgo her residency to nurse little one back to health. Not to mention that my friend is so stressed from the past year that I could feel her stress when she sat near me. Blech. So please pray if you pray. Or send a warm wish into the universe that the surgery can be delayed until she's three. Until it won't have to be open heart surgery.

This past weekend K, Cate and myself went to NYC.  What a needed escape.  Cate must be the most easy going baby in the universe.  Despite her lack of a schedule, no naps, and eating odd food-she giggled nearly the whole time. K spent every minute trying to be the husband I know he can be. That we both deserve.  

So, I'm back. We're doing 'ok' and OMGAWD we're going to have two children in 4 months.