apron strings

You Wouldn't Believe Some of the Things Going Through My Head

Or, really, the different ways I've responded. I figure this is no right or wrong  way to handle my husband's affair. (well, anything short of firearms) 

Food tastes horrible. Horrible. Even ice cream. I've lost 6 lbs in five days and I hadn't gained any during this pregnancy. I am making myself eat now. This baby doesn't deserve that. I am going to my doctor next week-for a check up and AIDS testing-FUN! And for this reason-I am going to see my old therapist. 

I cannot be within 10-25 ft. of him. 

I sleep with my bedroom door locked.  Even though he isn't here. 

 (I know he wouldn't physically hurt me---it's just a-you attacked me and you might again kind of thing. I think. )

I really want this baby to be a girl. This is one of the most upsetting things of the whole thing.  Of course, this is irrational-and one of the first things I will talk about with my therapist. But, it's odd, huh? I couldn't have cared less which sex the baby was until I found out my husband had had an affair. 

I really really hate him. I really wish him ill will. 

I really really feel bad for him. I wish he'd quit beating himself up. 

I call our old room, my room. My bathroom. My house. 

I changed his name in my contacts-to his given name so that it's not the pet name I gave him on our second date. That I have called him for TWELVE years.

Of course, I call him by name only. 

I threw out the monogrammed robe THAT I MADE FOR HIM that he used to wear. 

I watched porn. It was disgusting-I kept wanting to hear the frontline guy's voice-come in as a voice over to explain why that made it happen. Honest to God-that's what I was waiting for. And 'that' didn't make it happen. Only for 5 minutes or so--for some reason that seems like a perfect logically thing to do. 

I keep hearing my cell phone ring when it is not. Weird, huh? I have always had my iphone set to the church bells ring tone--and I hear it in the background all the time. 

I keep going over every conversation in my head that week. Every detail. In weak mentally-cloudy moments I think I could have said something to have made this not happen.  

I wish I never had to lay eyes on him again. I wish I could erase him from my life. 

I wish I could pretend like this didn't happen so that I could still see him, talk to him, feel him near me. 

I don't like it when people tell me I should leave him. 

I don't like it when people tell me I should consider staying. 

I don't like it when people tell me what I should do. 

I DO like it when people  tell me what I should do. 

I don't like it when people say that his addiction contributed to this. 

I don't like it when people can't see how his addiction contributed to this.  

So much of this stings:

-there is still so much "men do what men do" crap out there-though 99.9% of the people in my life who know-don't buy that. I have gotten one-"I would never have an affair-my wife wants to have sex all of the time....." 

-That I never told ANYONE about how lonely I was in our marriage-because I didn't want to dishonor our marriage-and now he's told the world in the most humiliating way. 

-When your husband cheats  ON YOU- YOU get to get victimized over and over. A lot of marriage counselors still incorrectly believe that people have affairs because of an unhappy marriage-which study after study shows isn't the case. People have affairs who otherwise have perfectly happy marriages. 

-You get further victimized when they tell their best friend that "they were unhappy," and their best friend having recently been divorced assumes that he cheated because of the wife. I wish someone would have told me-because I was unhappy too-silly me, scheduling vacations, marriage counseling and reading books about honoring a marriage even with young children. I should have found the hottest thing I could and have had great sex over a long weekend. Who knew?!?!(BTW-he has apologized for this and corrected it-he called his ONLY friend the next day-and hasn't come toterms with the whole thing-and we both agree that what the F else was he going to say-"I was perfectly happily married-I just decided to screw a random internet lady." Yes I am defending him.  No, I don't know why.  

-You get further victimized when eople assume that if you even consider staying-which I am still not so much at all-you are weak. Hillary, anyone? 

-You get further victimized by yet more and more selfishness.  An affair and even addictions are incredibly selfish. But then the selfish person gets exposed for how selfish they really are/acted and then you get to therapy to talk about them. And then you get to pay more $ so that they can go to see a specialist so that they can continue to talk about themselves. 

The selfish person has selfishly wasted so much of your time-their stupid selfish mistake means that you can't sleep or work or God knows-LIVE. And that's when they are exposed for how selfish they are. And the selfish person has stolen so much of your lives-all that time he was working late-or I let him sleep in (pregnant with an infant! me! got up early on the weekends!) 

So, really the selfish person gets to continue to steal your time-because now you get to go to therapy to talk about why THEY did WHAT THEY DID. I know I don't 'have' to go-but I do-either way-there has got to be some amount of peace between us for the children. OMG I am pregnant with an infant. And my husband had an affair. 

-The massive slap in the face is that HE GETS TO WALK OUT -I mean I kicked him out- but he GETS TO WALK OUT.  I HAVE TO STAY. To stay pregnant. To feed Cate 6 times a day-3 meals and three snacks. I get to bathe her. I get to try to make myself eat. To coordinate with the nanny. To cover for him for the neighbors-I don't want them to know just yet.  To do her laundry all by myself. Of course you know I love her-it's not that-but oh how I wish I COULD LEAVE. In some way, KWIM?

Can I just tell you how.very.much.this.sucks. It sucks.sucks.sucks.sucks. And is.so.fvckin.unfair.

Oh, and I haven't felt pregnant all week. I hope my baby is okay. I am just not nauseous anymore. Even when I don't eat. I am sure that it is adrenaline and I am out of the first trimester.  Oh wait, I am not so sure of anything anymore. 

On Things That Must Be Talked About

Because I can't bear to talk about the affair. 

So, Cate is amazing. Someone asked me, when Cate was six months old, "which age was my favorite so far?" I dreamily said "oh, all of them..." Let me tell if you don't know-babies until about eight months are boring as all. I mean, really what do they do besides endless biological functions? 

This stage--by far-is my favorite. She is so funny and it's awesome to watch her every day.  Her first word was "Winston" (our dog's name) which sounded like a breathy "En.stn!"  En.stn was also the recipient of her first 'wave' and 'hi.'  She does this all the time. She waves her limp arm and says "Ei! En.stn." She waves as though her hand is a worthless appendage. 

She is a smart ass. I love that in her. She also says "All Done!" Which sounds like "Awl Don" while throwing her arms in the air when she wants out of her high chair.  I gave her rice and beans for the first time-after the first bite -she starting picking the rice and beans up and dropping them in the floor like a crane and saying "Awl Don!" Of course, she then ate a bowl full of mac and cheese. 

She knows that her shaking her head in an intense dislike of food annoys me to no end. So, she does it to everything. You would not believe how dramatic she gets about it. You'd think I'd fed her a moldy super sour rotten lime. She shakes her head and makes a horrid face-while watching me out of the corner of her eye. Then, because she hasn't fully mastered the art of drama, she cracks a smile and has a hard time making it go away. See? She's a real smart ass. That's my girl. 

She knows how to mold them. The new nanny brings her son-who is two months older than Cate-to the house. She makes him give him his food and tries to get him to kiss her feet. She has also taught him how to push her around in her high chair--if he stops-she does the "getty! up!" in her chair. And looks back like "hello! let's get to moving!" Mind you, he weighs about three more pounds than she does. She does hold his hand and chase him-probably just so he will kiss her feet more. But still. 

I have a ton of short videos-I'll have to post them soon. 

A Brief Timeline

July 15th-

We find out I am pregnant again. 

July  22-

I tell k that I feel like he is so distant and I am so unhappy that I am                               going to sleep in a different room. But that I love him and that I just                             can;t pretend things are the way they should be. I schedule marriage counseling. (which just happens to be for today by the way-crazy, huh?)

July 22-

He joins an affair web-site for $300.00 where the slogan is "Life is short, have an affair"

July 22-

He sends 25 "are you interested in my profile" messages on affair web-site.

July 24-

A woman replies. A married mother of one. Who is a HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. (He told me who she was.) 

July 24-

The first of many chats between MY HUSBAND and a MARRIED HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL begin. As noted in "are you here, I am, it's safe" emails. 

July 25-29

Se.x chats and when can we meet every night while I slept. And  Cate slept. And her child and husband slept.     

July 31st-

My first ultrasound. I am incredibly pukey and it is just a horrible day. (with the exception of the seeing the heartbeat, of course) wait inside with my mom while K makes long and frequent  "calls to work" from the parking lot. 

Aug. 1-

While on his lunch break, K researches hotels so that they can met                                   for sex.

Aug.2-

K offers to go to the grocery store for me. He then texts his affair

buddy "we're on."

Aug. 2-

Though I am exhausted and incredibly pukey -I offer to keep Cate with me because, as I tell k, "it's so nice of you to go to the grocery store for us and she'll slow you down." 

Aug. 2-

He meets the MARRIED HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL in person at

HER HIGHSCHOOL. She puts my husbands pen.is in her mouth. They have sex.  That is, he put his penis-in another woman. He leaves-all of this took thirty minutes. 

Aug. 2-

K goes grocery shopping for us and buys me a dozen carnival roses- -the ones I had at our wedding. 

Aug 2-

He emails her that he is too tired to talk. But that they will talk that week. That he is really freaked out. 

Aug. 3-

They make plans to meet on the 4th during k's lunch break-I assume for sex. 

Aug. 4-

He emails her that he can't do this. That it isn't who he is. That he

can't ever see her again.  (Don't think that this buys sympathy from me. )

Aug. 5

She emails him about how, like he said, their actions aren't "honorable" but that "it would destroy her husband" if she left him...and that "everyone has a right to be happy." 

Aug. 25 

I find the emails. 

Aug. 31

Will be our 6th wedding anniversary and I will be 3 months pregnant.  

On Things I Never Thought I'd Have to Write

My heart is broken. Into a tiny million pieces.  For me. For Cate. For our families. For this new baby.  For our best man who toasted us "Christina and K are the one couple I've ever known who are undoubtedly in it for the long haul....."

IF YOU KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE--AT ALL-PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. TO ANYONE. PLEASE. 

I can't believe I am about to say this. To the internet. But really, who I am to tell? 

K had an affair. Is having? 

I knew it for a long while--in my gut. I kept thinking that I was insecure-that it was me. That was insanely insecure. Suspicious. 

Then, I remembered that rape victims will always say..."I got a funny feeling about him from the start..." (Most rape is date rape-and NO ONE deserves to be violated-that's not what I am saying.....)So, I remembered that one of the things I learned and then taught in self-defense classes--to trust your gut feelings-that if something feels amiss it is. 

So, I went upstairs and logged onto his computer for over an hour--I kept thinking that I should stop--that I was embarrassed by my own insanity. 

Then I found a hint of a secret email account. Then I started shaking. Then I tried a series of passwords-then I read them. Written proof. A hotel room. 

Then I called my bestfriend-at 1:00 a.m. 

Then I woke him up-confronted him and he confirmed my worst fear.  Then I told him not to come near me because I would slap him. 

Then I drove around our scary neighborhood.  To a gas station where two homeless people asked me for money.  And then I saw a church parking lot and I saw a police officer. I pulled in and told them I was okay. That I just wanted to be somewhere safe because I just found out my husband was having an affair. 

Then I got out of my car and sat in the parking lot. And drank and drank and drank. The three bottles of powerade. 

I drank powerade when I was in labor-I found it comforting-so, I figured if it helped agonizing pain once.....Funny, the thoughts you have when confronted with the unimaginable. 

Officer W.atts talked to me for a long time. We talked about the type of people he arrests which used to be my clients. I laughed. We talked about how stupid men can be. 

Then I went home and told k to leave and to find permanent housing. And that his "I am so sorries...." weren't working.  

All these then have led up to "Now...." and I have no idea where "Now..........." leads me to. 

A hotel room the day after my first ultrasound. 

I hate that I was stupid enough to get pregnant.  Of course---I had no idea that this was going on---But I knew that things weren't perfect as they should be before even contemplating bringing another child into the world. Stupid. 

Fvckin A. 

*My* Infertility 'Cure'

I am hesitant to write this and I am not sure why. 

While there is no cure for infertility-of course- I do think I finally found why I wasn't getting pregnant. 

No matter what-I am sure that I would have miscarried and it's not like I would have gotten pregnant the first month both times but I would have gotten pregnant soon enough and been saved from at least some of the heartache.

I know-I just do-that my finally admitting that I have depression and then-finally-taking a SSRI did it. 

You don't know this-I don't think- but I come from a long line of mental illness-specifically depression. And not the "I don't feel happy" kind, either. My grandfather and my closest cousin shot themselves. And my own father tried to kill himself with a firearm. (and succeeded for about three minutes-and then they revived him so that he could live out his life with a major head injury.) I know.  All three were classic depressants. 

Because I am a survivor of so many suicides-I would never (I hope) actually go through with it...but I can tell that thinking about it was a major part of my life for a very long time. In fact, I didn't realize that everyone didn't do that from time to time until someone told me. Well, my shrink told me. 

When I got pregnant with Cate-I knew that that was it. I got pregnant with her the first month that my SSRI was at a therapeutic level.  Three months after I started taking it. 

And this time? I think (?) it was the first month  I could have. Maybe the second. 

What's also weird-is that the "IVF that wasn't"  the one where I produced three measly eggs....is also when I found lupron to be the "juice of darkness." I remember begging the RE to not make me take it--because it made me feel so horrible. As in I'd rather not be alive horrible. Of course, they ignored me and I went right along with it. 

It's no surprise. I read that women with depression  are 50% more likely to have infertility. 

I would cite the numerous studies-but I don't have time. They are available on google. There are also links between infertility and depression-ya think?  

I say this to say-that if you are infertile and think you have depression--look into it. If you have had infertility and have the signs of depression-see somebody. 

What bugs me--what really, really, bugs me is that--in all those medical forms that k and I filled out and all the doctors and REs that k and I saw--not once--did anyone ever asked me if I might have depression.  Or if it ran in my family. Ever. 

All is well that ends well-I am thankful that that I did get pregnant and that--finally-finally-I sucked it up and swallowed the fact that I have depression and need an SSRI to live the life I know I am meant to.  

Well Aren't You Lucky. But Really Not So Much.

So, I wrote this long rambly post (no way! not you! you say) about how we went here last weekend. And how we are seriously contemplating moving there next summer. Even though it's an hour north of Atlanta. And how it's not scarypodunktown and how we listened carefully for scarypodunktown accents and looked carefully for rebel flags and other signs of Newt Gingwich and found none.  And how we even met Jews! Which made us think that maybe we could be happy there. And then I explained that. Then I posted this picture

   and then I tried to make it smaller. And then my long rambly post disappeared. 

So now you think-THANK GAWD- I don't have to read all of her crap-because she's already gotten it out of her system. Unfortunately for you, I have LOTS to RAMBLE about. 

I like to ramble about flooring.  We chose our floor!! One of you brillant ladies emailed me and said "why don't you just buy this." It's tile made to look like brick and it's a lot less expensive. Duh. So, we did. (For $3.38 sq.ft.! or $2,500).  I did hear ya' about getting scrap brick-but that's what I had looked into that was $4,400.00.  I am psyched -because brick was the only thing that I could see would work -to put next to the wood stairs and to use in my sewing room that is 'supposed' to be a bedroom in case we resale.  The bad part is k, my brother, and I are going to put it in. Which none of us have really ever done. (Oh, question-do we have to put it in the closets? Or can we leave the carpet?). It looks and feels like brick-but is more durable, easier to clean and not as rough.  What we choose is brownish/gray -which you can't really tell from the picture. 

I really like to ramble about Cate. Cate is great. Everyday more and more of her personality comes out. For instance, yesterday she grabbed her little friend, Baby Z, and bit him on his ear leaving bite marks. While he frantically signed "STOP!" "STOP!" She didn't mean to hurt him-they love each other. But still. My little Tyson. 

I really like to give random tips and overshare- if you are preggers with morning sickness and are going to be changing a baby's diaper in the morning--do not feed said baby a curry tofu spinach burrito with corn the night before. Because trust me--there are things that you'd rather DIE than see and smell the next morning. 

 

It Is Upsetting That

Cate's first birthday is in a month. I had planned and have almost finished a couple of toys including a doll with extra dresses. 

I am too exhausted from pregnancy to finish them. 

Nor the movie I started making or her baby book. 

I know it sounds whiny. I know it's not the end of the world. 

But whether it should be or it shouldn't be...it is upsetting. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to even think about watching her play with a doll that I made to look like her on her 1st birthday. 

Not to mention that I can barely muster the energy to work and to meet Cate's basic needs. (I cook/make three meals for her a day-it is a part time job!)

I Don't Have Time for This! HELP!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP!!! And be BRUTALLY HONEST. Seriously, I need design help.

I am so sick of thinking about what to do with our basement. Our carpet got ruined about a month after we put it in. Between dogs and Georgia red mud....

We need a new floor. No more carpet. I want brick. I really want brick. I want reclaimed, rustic, varied colored, thinly sliced brick. It would be perfect for our twenties-inspired home. Perfect. The problem? It's $4,400.00--for the product alone. FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS. 

So........................ now, I have no idea. And I have thought about it as much as I ever want to. 

What the new flooring has to do:

-Go with our house-we live in a house designed to look like it was built in the 20's. 

-The living parts of our house are oak hardwoods, the bathrooms are tile and the bedrooms are carpet.  

-Go with the flooring that it will be next to. We have oak stairs that lead into the basement. The basement has a  bath with a beige tile floor. 

-Also it has to be okay for a bedroom-my craft room off of the basement main room is really a bdrm. I know I could just leave the carpet in there-but I am over trying to get needles out of the carpet. And I really don't want four different types of flooring on one floor. 

-It has to 'float' on the basement floor. So no 'real' hardwoods-b/c they have to be nailed down. 

-Be inexpensive. (I would like to stay under $2k)

-Not to hard to install-K's planning to install it. 

-Look nice for re-sale and for us. But mainly re-sale.  As a buyer what would you think about nice laminate? It wouldn't obviously be laminate--but it would be laminate. 

-Be durable for the dog & kids & mud. 

- Slate? 

(good-cheapish -$2200. bad-grey is so dark and it is uneven so not the best place for a kid to fall. Wouldn't slate be weird in a bdrm? )

Re-engineered hardwoods? 

(good-matches what we have,would look fine in a bdrm. bad-$$$ $2700.)

But would it be weird that real oak hardwood stairs would lead to this? And of course they aren't going to be exactly the same color. 

Laminate Hardwoods-Nice ones I swear. They are textured and extra padded so they are quiet. Well quieter. 

(bad-it's laminate it's a lot nicer than it used to be, but it is laminate and that might really hurt re-sale. good-it'd be about $2,300. and very easy to install.)

Lastly, what about random tile? 

(Bad-hard to install. It looks cheap? bed room appropriate? do people have tile in their bdrms outside of the Southwest? good-it's durable, easy to clean and cheap--$1600. It's 18" x 18" which is one of the reasons I like it.)

AAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Help me. I swear I will probably do exactly what you guys say. TIA! 

If we do get re-engineered hardwoods-should we get oak colored? Or, since there is no way that they will match the stairs and the rest of the hardwoods in the house--should we use a completely different color??

BTW-Carpet is out-we'd have to spend 1,500 now and then again when we moved-b/c it stains so easy.  Bamboo/Cork is too expensive.  And I looked everywhere for cheaper brick and I just can't find it. 

Had I Not Watched A Mother Die of Cancer

I wouldn't be having issues with k and my marriage. 

I've neglected to tell you guys about the most influential event in my life. 

At seventeen, during a high school summer, I nannied for a baby, Maddy, whose mother lay dying  of colon cancer.  For four months I took care of Maddy and kept her away from her delicate mother but within her mother's vision and hearing. And warmth.  So that her mom could spend every second possible with her. Oh, Maddy was 8 months old when the summer began and twelve months when her mom died. 

And to anyone who still believes that "things happen for a reason," let this set you straight.  

I am sorry to tell you such a horrific story. But there is no other way for me to explain--to you and myself-why I am dissatisfied with k and our marriage. 

That summer, and that mother, set me on a "make your life matter," course of things. To live a life worth life. To not except an ordinary life. One peppered with t.v., couch time, no hand holding, no travel, no front porch neighbor time. 

The day after high school I got on a plane for the first time in my life and worked in Yellowstone National Park. Then I moved across the country to Arizona to go to school. Then, I moved to Colorado and volunteered in Americorps. Eight weeks after I met k we took an eight-week trip to Turkey.  We drove up the pacific coast from L.A. to Seattle in his tiny convertible roadster. Twice. 

I likely would have done some of the above adventure even without that experience--but not all of it. 

I insist on a life of passion. Not the cheesy Harlequin romance kind of passion, but the "G-d Damn it's great to be alive" life of passion. Travel, kayaking, long walks, silliness. 

So, in short, k is working too much and this gives someone who already struggles with insisting on passion in his own life--an excuse to forgo it all together. 

We don't go anywhere together. He works so much that when he gets home he is too exhausted to show the tiniest bit of warmth. Not that he is a jerk-or unkind. It's an omission.  

We promised each other we'd never live the boring work/big house/t.v./indoor lifestyle.  A promise which we've failed to honor. 

My response for the past year or so was begging, crying, threatening sleeping in another room, etc. 

Now, I've moved onto passive aggression. Which-guess what?-doesn't work. 

So, marriage counseling it is. We can't go for a few weeks. But we will. 

This isn't the only change that may be coming. I am seriously contemplating moving from a 4 bdrm awesome house that we had custom built that is perfect...to a 3/2 condo that would cost $60,000-$100,000. less. With a pool. Closer to my family. And hiking trails. 

Do you live a passion-filled life? If so how? 

Thank God I Didn't Know

That would get pregnant so soon this time. Because I would have made sure that I didn't and that would have been a huge mistake. 

Please know that when I (which I am not apologizing for-via blog rules) wasn't so sure about being pregnant--I realize now that what scared me--well, terrified me--isn't my not wanting to have another child--but my being able to phyically and emotionally do right by two young children. 

I don't know what I was so afraid of--well, I guess I do-but having children this close together is what I always wanted. Always. 

There are so many advantages to having two children so close in age. From what I gathered and suspected before talking to mothers with two so close in age--the first years are awful. Some of the hardest of their lives. But once they are out of toddlerhood--they have a forever playmate. Every vacation, errand and dinner--they have entertainment--each other. 

Every kid benefits from siblings. I couldn't be closer to my brother--and I've always known that I wanted a sibling for Cate. 

I only had one sibling--but I had sibling-like cousins. I had cousin a year older than me and one younger.  We all went to all schools together- and I spent half of my life at their house. 

I am psyched that they are going to be close enough in age to at least know of each other's friends.  Nothing holds you accountable like a sibling in your social network in school. 

Our childrearing years will be condensed. After (God/the universe willing) this baby is born and breastfed, my body will be mine. I'll only have to lose the baby weight once. All strollers and high chairs will magically disappear from my house at about the same time. 

The time my career is compromised is limited. So instead of pregnancy/maternity leave effecting a year and then my building it back up and then doing it again-I can keep it small and manageable and just take a pay cut. Then, when they* are out of toddlerhood, I can focus less--a bit--on them and more on my firm. 

Yeah, so I am so excited. K too. We're still a bit shocked--but we think it's funny. C'est la vie. We also realize that we owe it too both children to get counseling. 

Holy shit! I'm pregnant. (I think this about 5x a day.)