Food tastes horrible. Horrible. Even ice cream. I've lost 6 lbs in five days and I hadn't gained any during this pregnancy. I am making myself eat now. This baby doesn't deserve that. I am going to my doctor next week-for a check up and AIDS testing-FUN! And for this reason-I am going to see my old therapist.
I cannot be within 10-25 ft. of him.
I sleep with my bedroom door locked. Even though he isn't here.
(I know he wouldn't physically hurt me---it's just a-you attacked me and you might again kind of thing. I think. )
I really want this baby to be a girl. This is one of the most upsetting things of the whole thing. Of course, this is irrational-and one of the first things I will talk about with my therapist. But, it's odd, huh? I couldn't have cared less which sex the baby was until I found out my husband had had an affair.
I really really hate him. I really wish him ill will.
I really really feel bad for him. I wish he'd quit beating himself up.
I call our old room, my room. My bathroom. My house.
I changed his name in my contacts-to his given name so that it's not the pet name I gave him on our second date. That I have called him for TWELVE years.
Of course, I call him by name only.
I threw out the monogrammed robe THAT I MADE FOR HIM that he used to wear.
I watched porn. It was disgusting-I kept wanting to hear the frontline guy's voice-come in as a voice over to explain why that made it happen. Honest to God-that's what I was waiting for. And 'that' didn't make it happen. Only for 5 minutes or so--for some reason that seems like a perfect logically thing to do.
I keep hearing my cell phone ring when it is not. Weird, huh? I have always had my iphone set to the church bells ring tone--and I hear it in the background all the time.
I keep going over every conversation in my head that week. Every detail. In weak mentally-cloudy moments I think I could have said something to have made this not happen.
I wish I never had to lay eyes on him again. I wish I could erase him from my life.
I wish I could pretend like this didn't happen so that I could still see him, talk to him, feel him near me.
I don't like it when people tell me I should leave him.
I don't like it when people tell me I should consider staying.
I don't like it when people tell me what I should do.
I DO like it when people tell me what I should do.
I don't like it when people say that his addiction contributed to this.
I don't like it when people can't see how his addiction contributed to this.
So much of this stings:
-there is still so much "men do what men do" crap out there-though 99.9% of the people in my life who know-don't buy that. I have gotten one-"I would never have an affair-my wife wants to have sex all of the time....."
-That I never told ANYONE about how lonely I was in our marriage-because I didn't want to dishonor our marriage-and now he's told the world in the most humiliating way.
-When your husband cheats ON YOU- YOU get to get victimized over and over. A lot of marriage counselors still incorrectly believe that people have affairs because of an unhappy marriage-which study after study shows isn't the case. People have affairs who otherwise have perfectly happy marriages.
-You get further victimized when they tell their best friend that "they were unhappy," and their best friend having recently been divorced assumes that he cheated because of the wife. I wish someone would have told me-because I was unhappy too-silly me, scheduling vacations, marriage counseling and reading books about honoring a marriage even with young children. I should have found the hottest thing I could and have had great sex over a long weekend. Who knew?!?!(BTW-he has apologized for this and corrected it-he called his ONLY friend the next day-and hasn't come toterms with the whole thing-and we both agree that what the F else was he going to say-"I was perfectly happily married-I just decided to screw a random internet lady." Yes I am defending him. No, I don't know why.
-You get further victimized when eople assume that if you even consider staying-which I am still not so much at all-you are weak. Hillary, anyone?
-You get further victimized by yet more and more selfishness. An affair and even addictions are incredibly selfish. But then the selfish person gets exposed for how selfish they really are/acted and then you get to therapy to talk about them. And then you get to pay more $ so that they can go to see a specialist so that they can continue to talk about themselves.
The selfish person has selfishly wasted so much of your time-their stupid selfish mistake means that you can't sleep or work or God knows-LIVE. And that's when they are exposed for how selfish they are. And the selfish person has stolen so much of your lives-all that time he was working late-or I let him sleep in (pregnant with an infant! me! got up early on the weekends!)
So, really the selfish person gets to continue to steal your time-because now you get to go to therapy to talk about why THEY did WHAT THEY DID. I know I don't 'have' to go-but I do-either way-there has got to be some amount of peace between us for the children. OMG I am pregnant with an infant. And my husband had an affair.
-The massive slap in the face is that HE GETS TO WALK OUT -I mean I kicked him out- but he GETS TO WALK OUT. I HAVE TO STAY. To stay pregnant. To feed Cate 6 times a day-3 meals and three snacks. I get to bathe her. I get to try to make myself eat. To coordinate with the nanny. To cover for him for the neighbors-I don't want them to know just yet. To do her laundry all by myself. Of course you know I love her-it's not that-but oh how I wish I COULD LEAVE. In some way, KWIM?
Can I just tell you how.very.much.this.sucks. It sucks.sucks.sucks.sucks. And is.so.fvckin.unfair.
Oh, and I haven't felt pregnant all week. I hope my baby is okay. I am just not nauseous anymore. Even when I don't eat. I am sure that it is adrenaline and I am out of the first trimester. Oh wait, I am not so sure of anything anymore.