apron strings

On Becoming The Mom I Always Hoped I'd Be.

You know, I think I am well on my way. Which, is a welcomed surprise. 

When I said that motherhood turned my life into a mess-many of you suggested that I hire a cleaner. We've had one for years. Just every two weeks and only the big stuff-which, as you know, is just the tip of the ice berg. 

What I didn't articulate was that --I am much different from the moms in my neighborhood. And my cousins. And sister-in-law. And anyone I know other than all of you. I'd rather take pictures, sew, kiss Cate, exercise, play in the yard and sleep than have a perfect--or even in the neighborhood of perfect-domestic life.  

This post is to be continued. On a rainy day. I am looking out my office window and have realized that 1. it is sunny, 2. if I work very hard for the next few hours--I can do this: 

and go to happy hour with an old friend from highschool. 

until then know that I am living. With a cluttered house, dirty laundry, and overgrown grass. 

xoxo 

Almost Worded Wednesdays

VID00481
Originally uploaded by Apron_Strings

Coming Soon to a Madhouse Near You.

So, in the last four hours..............

The nanny called to say that she can't watch Cate tomorrow because she "shut her finger in the car door."*

This would be the same nanny who told me "um, yeah, Cate not want to sleep today."**

Reminder-Cate is an infant. WE DO NOT ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS. 

I had to bail on rehearsal. For a play that is days away in front of thousands. And I need rehearsal. In that I am singing, dancing and carrying a small dog around in a cage while doing both. No, do not ask. 

As you might imagine, Cate went nutty for hours. For hours. Unless I held her upside down. So, for HOURS, I rocked her until she hit a fever pitch and then I held her by her legs upside down. She would immediately forget all her baby angst and laugh and giggle and giggle and snort. Why does she ALWAYS smile when I hold her by her feet and let her dangle upside down I do not know. Maybe she is a bat. This went on and on four hours and hours. Finally she tired herself out so much that she let me rock her right side up and she finally nodded off and let me put her into her crib. 

So, tonight wasn't so great-and tomorrow ain't lookin' so good either. Unless someone out there can come hold my baby upside down all day?

_____ 

*My nanny rocks. I love this woman. She doesn't call in sick--and I know how painful shutting your finger in a car door is. I could tell she had been crying. Poor thing. 

**She is Columbian, but legal--so feel free to nominate me to the Supreme Court. 

it's okay. i hope.

**Time constraints and a tendency to brutal honestly prevent me from sugar coating the following. **

Now that I am not pregnant-I am relieved. I would have been so excited to be pregnant. I would have. But I am just not ready. And may never be. 

The problem is--while I can't imagine that I am-I mean, I have confirmation that I am not--I suddenly feel very pregnant. pukey, pukey, pukey all day and so, so tired. and last night--after I quit thinking about a potential pregnancy-the smells in the house were overwhelming. K had simply made pasta with peas. No meat or sauce. Though, I don't smell coffee at all-which i did very much so last time. 

I don't want to know-because I don't even want to think about yet another m/c. (I refuse to dignify the words chemical pregnancy-it is dismissive--or so it feels to me. My four-early, early little m/c's--hurt. Not because I think I was every really pregnant-or that I even had a being in there. But that's a whole other post.) Mainly because I like my dealing with further infertility by pretending that we never went thorough the struggle in the first place. 

I don't buy that progesterone-the taking of-does much more than delay of a  m/c. Bad eggs-like mine-tend to cause your boday to produce less progesterone-hence the eventual m/c. Not always. Not in all cases. I survived infertility by surviving by and accepting  statistics.  New evidence shows that it may-in fact-just continue a pregnancy that shouldn't have begun in the first place. I know there are plenty of women that will say "progesterone saved my pregnancy!" But really, who knows--there is no way to prove that. Even if you quit taking it and spotted-it makes your lining very thick-maybe the ute just makes a little more room. My doctor never thought I should take it last time. 

I am tempted to go on my way-and just see if everything doesn't settle down. But I am worried about these tiny little pains I am taking place on my right side. Not all the time--but enough to worry me. Would I have af with an ectopic? Could that explain the pale positive?

I know I owe it to my right tube to make an appointment--but the time involved is overwhelming. I am doing a 5k on Saturday on top of working long hours and rehearsing for a play in two weeks-to perform to a nearly sold out crowd. Which equals thousands of people. (add this to the other things that I am in denial about.) 

I hate being here. And this makes me less inclined to forgive my body for so much heartache.

xoxo 

-

OMG!!!!!!!!! OH NO!!!!!!!!!! SQEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!***with update

I think I may be pregnant. Or insane. Becauae pregnancy cures secondary infertility, right? See, I am insane. 

I just know that I have only felt this sick and tired nineteen months ago. See? And a few times when I just 'knew' I was pregnant. Or didn't in college. Or did. The mind is a powerful little thing, n'est pas?

Why I think I definitely am pregnant or insane.  

-it would be insane for me to feel any evidence thi early. 

-pukey, pukey, pukey. tired, tired, tired. Took a two deep nap. (tiredness is odd-I have only taken naps very early in my last pregnancy. And I have gotten a lot of sleep lately.)(after enough caffiene too kill a horse. )

-Cried because of friend's baby, and yelled at k. 

(I have done all of the above for the last two years consistently)

-had ewcm twelve days ago. had afternoon delight. three times. i know?

(okay twice, but I want you to think I am all bad ass. and to know that I had been drinking) 

-milk production dove like the stock market fifteen days ago or so. (ovulation always makes it do that)(as would pregnancy.

-We had a 3% chance of a live birth. And we won. 

-So 3% only happens once. In fact, probably .05% chance now. 

I do not want to test. I am an ostrich type of person. Head in sand. Cannot admit that I am insane. Or that I amcaving to infertility again.  Now that I know that my early miscarriages could end in a Cate-and that more m/c's are likely--I couldn't bear the thought.

I want to test-because in the 99%, .05% chance that I am I should take progesterone. 

Mother of God. Tell me that I am. That I am not. 

____________

I tested. Walked across the street. Got Cate. Came back home and looked at it. Thought I saw something. Decided I didn't. Later decided I definitely did. I don't think it is an evaporation line. But it was after the time. At least an hour afterwards. I will test again with FMU. Oh, I googled false positives of Target Early Response-and on Target's own site they get bad reviews. 

1. The notion that I wouldn't want this=bullshit. (funny how reality changes your mind.)

2. I am sure that I am not. And now I want to be. 

3. This sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. 

4. Have I ever told you how much I'd rather skip infertility this time around? 

blech. 

Here's a pic. i had to edit it like a mad scientist (the flash wiped out the barely-there-line). it is this hard to see IRL. I really don't think it is an evap--I do think it is a false positive-because, apparently, Target tests do that. The pic makes it look like there is an indention--there is not. 

here goes:

My intuition tells me that I am not. I am having crazy cramps. But that could go either way. 

I am not going to jump into my obsession again. I hated being there. I was so happy two days ago!!!! TTC nowhere near my frontal lobe. 

Hopefully, i'll remember to test tom. morning.

So Happy To Sew

Cate will be 1 in September. Because I have two seconds to sew a week I am going to start sewing her some little crafty things for her birthday. 

One of which is going to be a doll. I can't decide which one to make? Hmmmm? 

What a lovely question to be asking, n'est pas?

Which one do you guys think I should make? I am open to others to. It only needs to be cute and kiddo safe. 

exhibit one:

exhibit two: 

(I've made the girl doll four times before for other little ones in my life. They are from a pattern from here.)

exhibit three:

help me.

my child wakes up every 3 hours to eat. we are getting no solid sleep. if we sleep at all. which is why i have been sick more than in my entire 30 years on this earth. this is not helping my mpm brain. i forgot my wallet. no food for me. i am too tired to work. because she barely eats -maybe 3 oz- at a time-if that- i am *thinking* about going to get her when she wakes up-and give her a pacy. i wonder if that wouldn't reset her clock. and make her eat more when we twilight feed her and in the morning. if that doesn't work-i may let her 'fuss it out.' i'd go in there-and rub her head==but not get her out of the crib. i know her "i am starving cry" which will mean that we will feed her-sleep or not. i love advice. i know not all of you have won the 'lottery' but i also know that you have children i your life. xoxo

There is a limit. Sorry but-What a selfish, heartless person.

 

So, I'm pro-choice. Mostly. There are too many unwanted children.Approx. over a million this year.  Who no one wants. Pretty much the only babies who find a forever home-are Caucasian. I once prosecuted a guy named -Male Smith. Because he was unwanted-I mean really-his mother couldn't even bother to name him--of course he found himself on the other side of armed robbery charges and later conviction. No surprise, eh?

I read an article in which the author made no apologies for terminating a pregnancy-because she had another child-wanted another--but just wasn't ready--she merely wanted to wait a year. Blech.

There is no question that unwanted children are way more likely to suffer. Abuse. Poverty. Prison. 

And there is a lot of evidence to suggest that the crime rate fell right about when the unwanted children would have come of age. Twenty or so years after it became legal to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. 

I have hope and faith that one day more non-Caucasian babies will find forever homes. But until then I think the lesser of two evils is not to bring a child into this world who will suffer. From abuse. From a lifetime of being unwanted. Should it be this way--nope. Is it? Yep. 

Also, it bothers me that the pro-life community isn't more likely to adopt a child. Or give to planned parenthood. (who's goal is to prevent termination. they dole out bc. which even if you disagree with bc it's better than termination, right?).

However---terminating a pregnancy when your income is above six figures-when you want another child-just in a another year...is unspeakable. Really? I wish I hadn't finished the article, because I hard time sleeping.  

I started to close the comments-because I initially intended to just continue my using this blog as a journal. 

I am an attorney who loves a debate. My closest friend is a death penalty prosecutor-I also find the death penalty unspeakable. 

Overall-I think abortion should be extremely rare, safe, and legal. You? 

My "Granny" Died.

They buried her in a large bright purple casket lined with obviously fake, silk, roses. 

The quotes, and air quotes in real life, are because honest to God I didn't know who she was--or how she was related to be until 20 years after I met her. 

Apparently, she was my great-grandfather's much younger mistress who he later married. She was quite mean to my grandmother. Though, they had since made  peace when she died. And my great grandfather wasn't so nice to his former mistress. 

Anyway, I enjoyed our time together. I hope to be like her in my old age. She got a boob job at 80. And, later married a much younger man, who she "had sex with every Thursday." 

Admit it--that's funny. Who has a boob job at 80? It never occurred to me that eighty-years olds still get it on. (ewwww, baby let's get it on......). This makes me look a little more forward to aging. Sorry, TMI. 

Even funnier-the pastor-at her funeral- said "we all know that her first husband treated her horribly" which made my maternal grandmother jump out of her seat and say "LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!!" 

They buried her next to my great grandfather. In a purple casket lined with fake pink roses. With quite the bosom.