for the second time.
Th The first time I stood behind Whitney’s* brand new land cruiser on the side the New Jersey turnpike. As we drove home from a night of drinking in New York City
. We spent the night accepting drinks from the Olympic Swedish
Hockey Team** and a lonely businessman. We needed a night out because we had survived two years of law school and too many law students who know everything and generally lack personalities.***
Somehow I made one of the hockey players cry. Not sob, but sheepishly whimper in a dark corner. He took me waaayyyy too seriously when I offered him the secret to life.**** And told him how to do better. He shied away from women. Except me who a. had the secret to life * to the 5th and b. I suck at so much…drawing conversation from shy young men…not so much.
Why no one bothered to tell me that drinking Cosmos for the first time was a monster to be minded, I don’t know. And why no one stopped me from drinking FIVE remains a mystery.
So Swedish boy sobbed. I drank Cosmos. And we both looked much different than Carrie in the Sex in the City. 
Businessman offered a ride home for us in his car. We said no. I guess Whitney figured that we were safer in her new land cruiser with her drunk at the wheel. To me the room spun and I did what I was told.
Whitney didn’t like me. I don’t know why. And when I suddenly puked in her land cruiser while she was drunk after continuously, in a slurpy southern drunken slur, saying Whitley, Oh Whitley she realllly didn’t like me.
Luckily we survived. Though I still don’t care for the turnpike-and a little word to the wise…NEVER and I mean NEVER puke on the small shoulder of the toxic New Jersey Turnpike and it has nothing to do with the tolls.
Actually, be mindful of drinking FIVE cosmos….not.so.smart. (But they tasted like kool-aid with a twist!!!)
The second time I puked on all fours happened on Thanksgiving night. My sibling’s family ( I think though care very little what caused said puking). I puked once but didn’t worry so much, except as to Cate’s feeding that might lack water; I thought perhaps that my body rejected the more than healthy nutrition I ate for the first time in weeks. (doctor advises fattening up my milk with fast food and honestly, I have time for very little else, though I my diet is now much improved.) So, I puked once and then got uber paranoid about the lack of water in my milk and didn’t want Cate to get dehydrated. Which is why I then drank several and I mean SEVERAL glasses of water. All went well until I heard a deep, dreadful, body moving grumble. Then another. And another. Then (you might want to stop reading) I felt a tidal wave of yuck burst out of my mouth. Poor Cate looked at me like “wooo, milk lady that’s something big.” I tried, in my polka dot Christmas pajamas to make it to the sink with no luck. IT kept, and I mean, kept coming like the “why” questions from a four year old. I realized that standing meant the whole room would be covered and Cate * to the oh.hell.who.remembers. was a mere foot away. So I got on the floor and puked. And puked. And puked. More and more for the next 24 hours. K got it next. Then my mom.
So, there you have a putrid story of puking.
Seriously people don’t even try to tongue kiss me anytime soon. One because it’s not so enjoyable for either of us, and because it may not end well at’ll.
· Whitney was obnoxious. Her dad owned a car lot, gave her a car. She owns “Not to Shabby” in New Jersey
. Mention something about her car smelling like five year old puke. She’ll get nutty.
· Maybe they weren’t the Swedish Olympic Hockey Team. They were tall and blond and sounded like the Swedish chef from the muppets.
· If you ever want to rainmake with the best of them have a personality and practice law. Seriously.
· Man I wish I remembered what I said. Right about now I need the secret to life.
· I would never puke on her. I hope that one day she’ll have enough head control and wherewithal to do the same.
