apron strings

because 34G is big enough.

i've got to get two things off of my chest. because they will always be and i can't do anything to change them. so, i can dwell and insist on being right or lower my expectations and be at peace. 

what can you let go? anything?

1. my brother in law will always be selfish. he will never call us to congratulate us on the birth of our daughter. maybe because he has ensured a miserable and lonely life for himself. his won mother, my sweet and selfless mother in law, said "i hate to say this about my son but he is the most selfish person on the planet and you should never expect anything different." it shouldn't bother me. but it does.in part because it bothers k. and i had gotten so close with his brother. lots of late night, "i am lonely" conversations. the brother in law that drank so much that his wife left him. we are the same age. really, there is no excuse. remember when i was his attorney for free? when i was puking and pregnant and oh.so.tired. when he called three times a week to talk my ear off about his life? he hasn't called or emailed us one single time. his dad says "he is working on it." what does that mean by the way? is his finger broken?

2. k will never bear the responsibility of child rearing that i will. and he bears more than any man i know. he gets up for late night feedings and helps with the laundry. but childcare arrangements, the need to get cate ready for the day and any undestanding of how impossible it is to be a full time attorney and a full time mom escapes him. and that is what it is. 

phew.

come on. join me. anything you need to set free? something that bugs you that will never change? or am i alone? 

okay, fess up.

ok, so as we all know by now, colin powell endorsed barack. which he did for a lot of reasons. though he didn't say as much, i think that at least 1% of his reason is because barack is african-american.

for argument's sake--say that his endorsement was, in fact, based, at least in small part, on race. also assume that mccain and obama are totally and completely equally qualified. i.e. they are both at the starting line and you have to decide who wins.

what other things, besides qualiifications, do you consider?

i have talked to a bunch of friends (all white)(since i am only going to the office i haven't been around any black people to ask.) they all seem to think that powell's endorsement, even if only 1% based on race, is not okay. that if his endorsement is based on race at all-it is not trustworthy; that it is wrong to ever base an endorsement on race.

i disagree. why pretendd that race doesn't matter in this day and age? we all know it does. go to a restaurant see what color most of the wait staff is and what color the management is. you know just as many of the wait staff is able to be a manager and yet they are not. i was once told that the next receptionist at my firm should be white, that it just looks better. (in new jersey, by the way). also, note how much of a harsher punishment black defendants receive-most notably the death penalty- than white defendant's.

a cute itty bitty three year old, who is black, showed me just how much, and how important race is. she saw obama give a speech, and came home and gave her own speech. just like obabme, only with a lot of nonsense words. race matters in her life. having a black president is huge. the leader of the free world looks like her. imagine, if he wins, what a difference seeing a face like hers in the oval office will mean. means now.

in short, race matters. 

though, it is also true, that choosing someone based on race, is also, arruguendo, racist. isn't it essentalism? that a black president will act any different than a president of a different ethnicity? or to even assume that black people can't be racist? (some of the most sexist people on the planet are women. some of the most racist people on the planet or black americans-against black africans, or light/dark skinned black americans.)

so, spill. there are cogent arguments on both sides.

would it change your opinion or lower the importance of powell's endorsement if it was based, even in small part, on race?

she says.with head down. and then up.

before i say anything else--i have got to get to blogging! i have pictures of cate in halloween attire, in slings, lounging on the floor and smiling. more baby crafts! olivia galore.the guilt that is a part of motherhood. about whoever said that "motherhood is inherently lonely at times"is right, how cool cloth diapering is and why all parents should do it (if they feel so inclined) on why i intitally declined and then specifically asked for a present to acknowledge childbirth, on what a great father k is, how this cyncial smart allelic nature-hater is now a cloth diapering, breastfeeding, baby wearing mama, etc....etc...

i officially start going into the office everyday in two more weeks, so i'll have more of a chance. stay tuned.

***

i always wanted to be that kind of mom. you know the calm mom, who could be away from her children, to  grab a moment to herself. who could leave the little in the room, for a second, (while the little one is strapped in and soundly asleep, of course) to grab another cup of coffee.

in short, i always wanted to be the kind of mom that maintained a sense of self outsidee that of a mother. i want to be a lot of things, and a great mother is only one of them. though, the most important.

i am that mom. i missed work after the first week after cate's birth. i secretly called some clients. because i wanted to think. there is no thinking when you are the mother of a newborn. there is feeding, and changing, and burping, and getting pooped on, and staring at your little one for hours, but there is not thinking. mainly because you can't. and it is not the painkillers.

i read an article that i immediately identified with last week. that new moms are often afraid that motherhood will be the end of an intellectual life. (the word 'intellectual' has such a stigma. it just means the process of thinking. which is , in the end, a choice we make.just like the decision to exercise.).

i let out a sigh of relief when i read an article. i realized that i am not alone. no one talks about it....but there is an assumption, even on womens' part that when a woman becomes a mother, that she quits thinking. not on the part of all women or men, and it is not spoken. but you know it is there. "mommy brain." which means dumb.

if you enjoy thinking, a lot, then the scare that you never will, or at least not for a long time, *think* is a scary one, indeed. i missd and still do miss thinking. of reading a case and watching an idea get wrapped up with words to be finsihed at the end. with all pieces fitting together perfectly.

 i miss working everyday. i like going into the office. of course, i miss my daughter fiercely. in fact, when i get into the garage my milk starts leaking. it brings new meaning to 'just the thought of you....."

at first i worried that being a new mother, especially after wanting a baby for so Long, that i would lose myself in motherhood, because it is so.freaking.tempting.

now, six weeks in, i love being a mother. and i love that i can, albeit a bit of guilt, sneak off to starbucks, or upstairs to my bed to read. i love that i have already found a way to keep my wits about me. to, well,to keep me.

wordless wednesday: kitty cate. (aka why i am not going to be mother of the year)

   

 

 

my camera takes a picture every 4 seconds automatically, so it took the pciture before i could stop. she fell into the couch while k was spotted her. so all is and was well, but still. bad mommy. no cookie.

on being a mother after infertility.

it is the greatest thing and the most work i could ever imagine. being a mother after infertility is different. it matters. i think being a mother means even more after infertility-which is saying a lot. i appreciated my pregnancy. even when i was uncomfortable. it made labor hurt less. when you are infertile and you want lots of children (well 3--which will likely NOT happen) you know that all the wonderful things that happen may be the last time that they will.

being a mother means-feeling like i am on treadmill every second that i am awake. i do all day. something. and then add working at home on top of it. i am so tired at night. i cry from exhaustion on occasion.

though i love it. i love her cute little sighs. her smells. i love the way she nestles into my neck in the morning. she has even started smiling. just smiling and smiling. i love watching her dad-my husband-be a father. he handles her like a football. he changes her diaper by quickly lifting her legs up in the air and throwing another dipaer under there. he seems a bit rough with her, though she couldn't care less. he lightly thumps her nose and she just smiles. this mothering business...it's the greatest thing ever. ever.

infertility means different parenting too. it means knowing that cate may very likely never have a sibling. i know there are advantages to only having one child. there are. and like k, she may not even like her siblings. though, i cannot even imagine a life without my brother, i can not. it makes the decision to spend money on fertility even tougher. if it comes down to college for cate or fertility treatments...well. or, better schooling, etc. especially since we got pregnant for 'free.' (though we still owe for the IVF that wasn't).

speaking of, i need t get off the computer and spend time with my miracle baby in a sling and walk around in this beautiful weather. because she is a miracle baby, and this is likely the only time i will be a mother to a five week old. 

i couldn't do it without them.

i am glad that i read so many great parenting books in the latter half of my pregnancy. they all added tools to my brain's tool box to help mebetter parent my child which benefited my marriage and ultimately me. 

honestly, i do not, in any way, understand why people wouldn't. prepare themselves as much as possible.  there seems to be a lot of negative thoughts about reading books about child rearing. in an chat room i frequent, when i mentioned them , i got a lot of defensive replies like "every child is different,"  "mothering is instinctive." a sort of "ignorance is the best way."

when i found myself doing the 5 step sleep method espoused in this book the first night after i gave birth, swaddling, shushing, rocking, etc...i thanked the author in my head. he was right it knocked her out immediately and does to this day. within minutes.

 this book rocks for breastfeeding mothers who return to work. it talks about pumping milk, how to freeze milk, etc. but most importantly it is a personal account of the women who lived it. who pumped at work, in a tiny room, while their children were in someone else's' care. too many breastfeeding books don't touch pumping, or if they do, they parade out a list of horribles that happen when you do or (((GASP)) return to work.

i love "momma zen." it helps you attempt to find peace in motherhood and serves as a reminder to cherish these moments even in the madness that is parenthood. 

 

this book

 shows you how to effectively communicate with your baby. she tells you to tell your child what you are doing with them when you are doing it. as in, tell them when you are change their diaper. and to introduce them to people. it makes sense. i mean, studies show that infants as young as three months recognize sign language signs. so little ones are most definitely can communicate. i am sure that eventually this will help her remember our friends and family and to be a little more calm when we are putting her in a car seat or changing her diaper. i think it already has, but who knows.

lastly, i freaking' LOVE and i mean LOVE this magazine. i get all excited when i get a new issue and read the articles slowly as if i am savoring every bite. it is the one parenting magazine i have found that doesn't assume that i stay at home....or read on a seventh grade level (as is the grade level most newspapers--popular media are). this magazine makes me remember that i have a brain. that i am not only a vessel of milk that oftentimes smells sour.  

** for the record when i post parenting posts i often feel guilt because i feel like i have left so many of you out. who were with me and my alleged crap eggs for three years. before i randomly won the greatest. lottery. know that i HATE that you aren't with me. and know that although you may not--i didn't for myself-me and my crap eggs hold out so much hope for you. it will happen. i pray with God speed.

xoxo

her middle initial is "A" for ADVANCED!

today ms. cate went to the pediatrician for her ONE month appointment. where we found out the expected-

her head, like her mother and father's, measures large. i guess she won't be able to wear hats either. we are officially the hatless family. like the headless family but different.

her weight is on the lower side of average. i was skinny as all as a wee one. until 30 and then not.so.much.

her height is slightly above average-like her parents too. but most people are short, so that's not a big deal.

but.get.this.

are.you.ready?

seriously people drum roll......

while at the doctor's she rolled over three times. on the table. the doctor gasped because apparently it didn't occur to the good doctor that ms. cate could roll off the table-because most babies don't roll over until 4-5 months. and she is a 1 month old. i didn't think much of it-i mean, she's been rolling over for two weeks. though, with a lot of struggle and only once at a time. i thought it was a bit early, but not this early. i think she only meant to roll over once and then freaked and kept going.

she's brilliant people. brilliant. next week...i am sure she'll be talking.

wordless wednesday; the picture that could keep her from becoming ms. america

on how k ended up in the emergency room.

dear word.

so, k decided now would be a good time to replace the mulch in our yard. which is a job. which means that a truck drops off two large pallets of mulch. while he was putting mulch out i had a friend over. well, cate had an admirer over who used to be my friend.

k came walking up the stairs with this frightened look on his face. and his always red face was incredibly red-a "poinsettia flower" red-he is grabbing his heart.

he came in the door and i asked him "are you okay." and he said "no" that'd he'd be stung by TWO bees.

he had me at no. my husband is on of those freak people who doesn't feel pain. he finished a softball game with a broken hand and a broken finger--that he broke in the game-because "he didn't feel like it was right to walk off of the field."

the weired thing? the day BEFORE i had asked my father in law about allergies to foods and specifically to bees that i should know about as cate's mother. he told me that k's mom is "deathly allergic to bees."

k was getting redder by the minute. and he kept saying that he wasn't ok. that he felt like he was going to pass out.

the whole while cate is screaming.

i freaked, my friend freaked, and k freaked. luckily my friend'smom was a nurse so we called her-she said to get beneadryl in him fast. two pills. which we did. thank g-d we had some in the pantry.

the benedryl had no effect. i felt like he should be in the emergency room. my friend told me to stay with cate and that she would drive him to the emergency room. thank goodness because i couldn't even get it together to remember where the keys were (i think i am exhausted from the csection and never having rested. having it together in a crisis is my thing.)

they drove with due haste to the hospital. they went into the emergency and sat down waiting to be checked in. and then k started to feel better. the benedryl kicked in. they called me and i said to stay for another 15 minutes and to get the okay from her mom before they left.

my friend's mom said that if he was not  getting worse then the benedryl had kicked in and that they could leave. phew. she advised to give him yet another benedryl and "bid him goodnight." hee, hee.

apparently if this is his first reaction then the next will um, not be so fun.. so he'll be getting and "epi" pen soon.

when he walked back in the house i punched him in the arm and said "DON'T DIE ON ME!"

what i am up to in the garage.

     

(taken with canon 20D with two lights and a macro lens.)