why now?

so, i am scheduling marriage counseling for k and myself. (and i? i can never remember, would love a reminder).

k is a mess at the moment. he took a leap of faith with his  company which hasn't thus far worked out. k has many 'issues' but one of them isn't a lack of ambition or drive. not because he wants to better than anyone else, but that his success is, for better or worse, where gets his sense of self. as you might know, he went to an awful high school in rural and poor mississippi. somehow he managed to score perfect on the math S.A.T., got a scholarship to har.vard where he graduated with highest honors. he was also a finalist to be a rhodes scholar (as many of our former presidents were.)

k's parents were great in so many ways-but honestly, they sucked at allowing their children to be who they were. are. so they tried to make k into this touchy feely nonprofit/civil service guy. he very much wanted to get an M.B.A.-which they pretty much would have disowned him for doing. so he got a degree in english lit and a M.F.A. in writing.

which led him to teach in the blight of compton, CA, which he did love and was great at. (when the year started 90% of his eight-graders read on a third grade level-after a year with k-they were on or ahead of track.)

then he, with a partner, started what is now the largest charity watch dog group. at 26. he invented a formula that judges charities on how efficient they are with our money. (how much does it take them to make a dollar? some charities? it takes $1.50!)

anywho, so then he ended up second in command in one of the largest retailers in the world. he was second in command of their community giving department.

though for his entire life, he has wanted to be in business operations. he wants to deal with economics. the cut throat world of retail. when to order supplies, who to hire. how to motivate employees, etc.

but the cross over is nearly impossible. not to mention that it would mean starting over and a likely pay cut. but he wanted it. that bad.

then, he had the good luck and charisma to befriend the C.E.O. in waiting of this company. seriously, the guy adores k. this guy makes about 15 million a year and will soon run the 6th largest company in the world. they go for coffee! anywho, this guy told k that the way to make the switch would be to work in one of the stores. to "get closer to the business."

so, he left the corporate office to go work as an apprentice in a retail store. with people without so much as a college education. (no  judgment-but you can imagine the effects of that disparity). in college, (if you went) did you ever work, as i did as a waitress, with people who knew they were never going to get out of the working class? yep.

the plan was for him to work in the store for 4-6 months as an apprentice and then to become manager for a year or so and then return to the corporate office in a business operations capacity.

what no one-including us- planned on-was how much k would freak out the staff in the field. they do not get him. they all brag about his hard work, his ability to achieve every goal. but they don't know what to do with him. that we will likely leave a managerial position within a relatively short time, makes very few district managers want to put him in that position .

so, it's been a year. k works for people with no education. who are 5 years younger than him. with a paycheck that is smaller.

and there is nowhere to go from here. "hey, i couldn't manage to get promoted to a position that i was overly qualified to do but now i am ready to crawl back"

all of this equals one incredibly depressed, distant, sometimes openly hostile husband. one silent lacking in all intimacy marriage.

i can't be supportive anymore. have thought about leaving.

we're in a mess.

and poor cate. what a mess of marriage to be brought into. she deserves better.

god dammit. i am beyond upset.

fvck.

am making the phone call now.

Comments

[tipsymarie]

Marriage counseling helped us tremendously - or rather, the decision it was time to go made both of us realize the next step we were headed for was divorce if we didn't do something about it. Our problems were related to internal factors in our relationship and it was, for a time, very bad. Neither one of us were sure how our marriage was going to survive to be honest.
In the end, I am so glad we went and got some tools we needed to communicate. That sentence just sounded so therapist-y, but it was true. Sometimes, you can live for a long time in denial about how things are because it's easier than dealing with the truth and taking the time and effort to fix it. It sounds like you are ready and it seems like k isn't far behind.
Good luck and we will talk soon.

[JuliaKB]

Ugh.. frustration at dead end job is so very tough, especially with your rapidly changing family situation. Can't Mr.CEO-in-waiting pull some strings? It was his idea after all...

Your idea on the couples counseling is great, though. I hope you get a good therapist and that it helps you.

[Elizabeth]

Can he go back for his MBA now? I don't know how old he is, but he'll be done before he knows it. AND with him being brilliant and all he should be able to get through those classes with ease. He needs a direction. He needs to do something about this job situation of his. He needs a goal out there that he's trying to get to, I think. Is any of this practical for you two? I know the student loan situation is already big for you two, and I don't know if his employer could pay for his MBA???

My husband hates his job BUT he's good about leaving his frustration at the front door. He's just good about things like that. AND he's gone on so many interviews these past few years...something's gotta break soon!

I hope something happens great for both of our men.

[Anne]

No advice, just wish I could do more from afar. Sending you big hugs and good wishes. Be kind to yourself - remember that you're a fantastic mom, wife and friend. Cate is lucky to have you! (Did I miss the name announcement? Love it!)

[Lassie]

My FlyGuy is a genius transplant from the country to Cambridge too and I swear it makes it so difficult to relate to him sometimes. I really think he is too smart for his own good.

We've been to couples counseling and gotten some good things out of it. Our marriage is still a work in progress, and I think it always will be. We are in a much better place now, but I remember how awful it felt to have such raw emotions when our relationship was in crisis.

Wishing you peace.

*and please share your 2 cents at eggsbene anytime! I love hearing from you!

[Road Blocks and Roller Coasters]

I think the hardest thing I deal with when it comes to G is his work issues and it sucks immensely. So trust me when I say, I completely understand. I think you are doing the right thing and the best thing you can do for the both of you and for Cate. I'll be thinking of you and praying for the best.

HUGS.

[My Reality]

Good luck with the counselling, Christina. I hope it helps you both.

[Jen]

what a tough situaton to be in - especiall when it's an external factor (his career) that is causing the strife between the two of you - it seems to be that seeking some counselling to help you both move through this as a team is the next best step. i have no words of wisdom, none of this marriage business is ever easy and we ALL have our issues so you are not alone. we're here for ya.

[serenity]

*hug* no assvice. just thinking of you.

counseling is a good call.

xxx

[Ginny]

C, I am so sorry you are going through this now. Marriage counseling is great – we have done it several times, and could probably use more. It's interesting that you posted this today, because I was wanting to post a similar gripe about M, although obviously with different circumstances. K would likely be dealing with this frustration with or without your pregnancy, but I do think there is something about the anticipation and then after the arrival of a new child that often sets off these tensions. But certainly, talking about it with a third party would be helpful. In my experience, dealing with these issues while pregnant or with a newborn can be particularly threatening, because this is the time that you need your husband most, especially emotionally. I, too, feel like running away at times like this. Go make the call. xo

[jesspond]

I'm so sorry!! Counseling will be good and help you get on track...it'll be ok.

[allypally]

My husband and I had problems too. I tried to slowly explain, when it wasn't a topic or we weren't fighting, how I felt. It seemed to me he needed little bites of what I was feeling. And then he got the bigger pictture. Sometimes it's still hard. But the moment Cate arrives things will shift. Concentrate on all the cool things you are doing and I hope things get better soon.

[kate]

Ugh. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. I kind of have the opposite problem with H. He is very educated and very capable but his ambition kind of stopped short. I mean, don't get me wrong- he's teaching at a top tier university, in a department that makes him blissfully happy, but when I bring up the fact that (for a professor) he makes peanuts and is worth so much more, he just says that he's happy where he is. And when I bring up the fact that this area is socially void and thus miserable for Miss Social Butterfly (uh, me), he responds in kind. His job makes him happy, and he is lucky to have it, and so why rock the boat by trying to acheive greater personal happiness or greater financial success?

I think fundamentally, it seems to be harder for men to recognize that work is a means to an end (that "end" being a happy life *outside* of work). Especially for your acheiver or a husband, I can see how much he has invested in his job, but I think that your instinct to seek counseling may help him to refocus on the idea that if your job makes your life outside of work suck, then what point is there of continuing along that path? In the end, family- wife, child, parents, or family-of-choice (those best and closest of friends) are what matter. Finishing first is meaningless if you finish alone. Maybe a therapist can help him see that.

I wish you all the best.

And did I miss it previously, or was that an announcement of the name??? Either way, it's a lovely choice, and the spelling that I would have chosen for myself (if I had such a choice...). Yay for Cate!

[Lady In Waiting]

As someone who, although having gone to less than ivy-league schools, has been "overqualified and underqualified" for nearly each and every job she has been in and at the same time found it nearly impossible to do professionally what it is she wants to do, I can relate very much to k's challenges and frustration. Even the new job that I will start in a couple of weeks will fit the above description (though an improvement over where I am.) So, I get it.

At the same time, I am incredibly saddened by the fact that k has chosen not to seek help on his own, especially given the stress of his non-professional life. Maybe the prospect of Cate is bringing his feelings about his situation to a head. But I understand a husband who is not like "that" - seeking therapy when needed. Hopefully, like Mr. LIW (who was also making both of us miserable because of his job misery and his refusal to look for something less miserable), k will be willing to go to counseling with you. Mr. LIW was uncomfortable every step of the way - I think I could feel him sweat from across the room - but even he admits how much a couple handfuls of sessions helped us. We weren't at a breaking point when we walked into the therapist's office, but I can tell you that we were quite distanced from each other. Well, at least I was distant from him. And now, even though he is still largely miserable in his job, he has changed much of his behavior. And we better understand each other's needs and reactions. It made a world of difference. And I got Mr. LIW to go by breaking down and asking him, in tears, if he would PULEESE get help with me. That we needed to do something before things got much worse. It worked. And it was worth it.

I truly hope that it can work for both of you as well. Couples therapy won't get rid of your life challenges but it will help you to help each other, thereby bridging the gap that now exists between you. From other posts, my impression is that k loves you and wants your marriage to work. If you want it to work, too, you can do it. As long as you are both committed to making it work, you can make it work.

If you ever want to gchat or something, please let me know. Even though my marriage to Mr. LIW has worked out, my past relationship was in crisis when we went to therapy so I understand being in that situation as well.....

[Janimal]

While your situation sucks - it is great that you are able to break it down and see the root cause. It's not you, it's not your marriage, it's not your relationship, it's K's temporary frustrating stressful situation and how he is dealing with it and it's affect on you. And because you know that, because you know the cause, because you know it is temporary, you can deal with it. You can and will fix it. It just sucks tremendously while you are in it, right now.

I know that in your heart you know your marriage is ok. Heck, I haven't known you for very long, but I know your marriage will be fine. And Cate will be a happy and lucky little girl. You just have to get through all this sh!t.
We all get some sh!t to deal with. It's just your turn right now. And it is really sh!tty. But you are doing the right things. You are smart enough and care about each other enough to get some counselling, and K will figure out his work situation, one way or another.

I just hope it is sooner rather than later my friend.

[christina(apronstrings)]

leah-those area all all great ideas. i apprecaite them so. the hugging thing is a good idea. what i think he needs from me-is forced intimacy. i've also heard that forcing each toehr to look each other in the the eyes is powerful.
farah-you're right. i am so cry baby lately. and worried about being the best parent. and the best parents have the best marriages. *sigh* so, a counselor that could help me manage my expectations would be great.
niobe-thanks for the quick lesson and trick. ; )

[niobe]

Sigh. IF and pregnancy are both incredibly stressful (though in different ways). Add in what sounds like a disasterous and frustrating job situation and I think pretty much anyone would crack under the pressure of it all.

The only practical help I can offer is on the grammar issue. (I know, useless, but while I don't even pretend to understand people, I do understand words fairly well).

The trick in deciding which pronoun to use in that situation is to imagine taking the other person's name out of the sentence, seeing whether "I" or "me" or "myself" would be correct.

So change:

Niobe is thinking about K and(I/me/myself)

to

Niobe is thinking about ... (I/me/myself)

Since you would say "Niobe is thinking about ME," you would also say "Niobe is thinking about K and ME."

And I am thinking about you (and K) and hoping things get easier on all fronts.

[JJ]

Im definitely a pro-counseling person--I really hope you all are really able to meet in the middle and care for each other right now--theres a lot going on for the both of you! Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us, because its a tough thing to admit when there is trouble. You are in my thoughts, and I'll be thinking healing thoughts for the both of you.

[Farah]

I applaud you for seeking help. Marriage counseling is a great thing. It can really help if both partys allow it to heal. You and kare in my thoughts. There are so many hormones going on in your body and changes going on in K's head - this may just be a perfect solution. Thinking of you

[Leah]

Wow. That is a lot to deal with. First off, your husband sounds like a freakin' genuis. Very, very impressive. The fact that he's most likely stocking shelves or folding shirts after a sale is the most heinous of crimes.

From your description, it sounds quite frustrating. If he's in so good with the up-and-coming CEO, shouldn't that dude be able to pull some strings and make him a store manager, or even a District Manager (who might need some mentoring on the mechanics)? Grrr. I know it's not that easy, but one would hope so.

My husband brings home way too much work stress as well. I literally set the timer on the microwave and he's forbidden from talking about work (or sulking about it, or anything else related) for 30 minutes once he walks in the door. I found that when he got home and started unleashing about work, we never recovered. With this 30 minute trick, he doesn't come in the door completely focused on work which only perpetuates the shitty feelings he's carried around all day. Instead, he's forced to talk about the yard or our house projects or a conversation with one of our family members or something else. Anything else. That seems to take the edge off and he loses the need to brood or vent about work for the entire rest of the night (although it no doubt comes up eventually).

This is going to sound totally corny and stupid, but we also do this hugging thing. Every day we make a point to hug for 60 seconds. That might not seem like a long time, but it is. Usually a hug is something on the order of 5 or 6 seconds. So to be forced to hug and remain silent for a full minute, it really gives you the opportunity to experience the closeness a hug is supposed to convey. If you knew me IRL, you'd laugh that I was suggesting this because I'm not really a touchy-feely person. But someone suggested this to us, and I swear to you that it works.

Both of these things are tiny little bandaids on a stressed marriage. Our marriage was a total disaster after so many years of IF and miscarriages and whatnot. We went to counseling which really only served to confirm that my husband is 99% of the problem and he's mostly powerless to change it (thanks to lots of poorly modeled behavior by his Dad). So we made a little progress, got a little better, and have decided to accept this as "good enough" for now. We will continue to work on it forever, but it's still very frustrating.

When my husband is busy sulking or fretting or being angry about something, I often say to him, "We don't have any REAL problems. We don't drink or smoke or cheat on each other. We have a house, a car, and jobs. Neither of us have a terminal illness, nor do we have a close family member with a terminal or mental illness that we need to deal with daily. We're certainly not living in the lap of luxury, but we can pay our bills and live a life that would be amazing by most other people's standards." Then, just to drive it home, I usually add, "If you want real problems, I'll GIVE you real problems." Just like when your parents used to say, "I'll GIVE you something to cry about!"

I noticed a change when our daughter was born. My husband had something else to pour all of his energy and hopes and dreams into. It helped. He forgets sometimes, and will drive me crazy. I can't count the number of times on a Saturday afternoon that our 3 year old has stood 1 foot in front of him with a caterpillar in her hand shrieking, "Daddy! Daddy! Look at what I found! Daddy!" while he completely ignores her with his brow furrowed and his full concentration focused on his goddamn blackberry. Solving some stupid, trivial "problem" at work that can surely wait until Monday. It makes me crazy, so I try to snap him out of it, but sometimes it's a losing battle.

Sorry that I've gone on and on and on. I guess it's safe to say that although the circumstances are very different, I do know how marital unhappiness can make you question the intelligence of bringing a child into the mix. Go to counseling, try the hug thing, and try to work it all out. Time will tell you what the right path is, and then you will take it.