on this too often dreaded day; a message of hope to my peeps.xoxoxoxoxooxo

Waiting for the Moon

My friend called today

   tears in her voice

Her period started

  and her dreams for a new baby are postponed

  yet another month.

I hold my infant to my breast

  eager mouth tugging and pulling

  little hands patting and stroking.

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years

  did I kneel and weep

  pressing my hands to my empty womb

  rocking on my heels

  pleading with cruel fate

"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears

  as I felt my youth slip away

  moon after moon

  cycle after cycle

  month after month

  year after long year

My grief was indescribable

  unendurable

  mourning a child not yet conceived

  only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived

  but lost in pain and blood and tears.

Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that defined my young womanhood.

eight years of eternal emptiness

  years defined by the Moon

By blood

By hope and by tears.

                  II

I have not missed those cycles

the moon rising within

the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure

and rather than by a lunar month

  I am   

defined by nursing

by a small demanding mouth

by the fullness of my breast

by rich sweet milk that drips from me

and flows life and love to my child.

I will not (cannot) forget, though,

the years my womb wept blood tears,

the months the shards

of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision

another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me

I am bound to the Earth, to the small body

of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles

and seeks and heals my tattered soul

and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,

  but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman

first published in Midwifery Today

Comments

[Elizabeth]

Yes. Great poem.

[Lindsey]

Wow. that is an incredibly accurate description of what I have felt and now feel. Thanks for that post.

And I'm glad that you and K have a plan that involves support. In my experience, though I have a completely different situation, pregnancy causes the dad-to-be to flip out a bit regardless of emotional stability. :)

[jesspond]

I just talked to a woman on the beach about IF today. All week I went about pushing the strollers, playing in the kiddie pool, laughing on the beach wondering who next to me might be us two years ago.

PS...glad you and k will be seeing someone. Thinking of you!!

[Cibele]

OMG, I have chills and tears in my eyes .. I know this pain , but I (Thanks God) know this joy as well. If you dont mind i will post this on my blog.