good friends needed. apply within.

i am so over always being the good friend. who throws the surprise parties, sends cards, flowers. sews for. baby sits for. throws baby showers

which is where the root anger of this post comes from. not to be-and i don't even remember how many exactly-but i have thrown umpteen showers. by myself. that looked professionally planned. in part because i am a good friend SIL, cousin....because i liked it, but also because i very much wanted to show my friend, SIL/cousin that i care about them and supported their entry into motherhood.

you know how many people have EVER thrown me a surprise party ? NONE. not even k. it's no big deal, i've thrown five. or even bothered to get a group of people together for my birthday. not once. i get cards from maybe two people. i have never-not once-gotten flowers from k (without asking) or anyone else through sickness or whatever. ever! i can't even tell you how many times i have sent flowers, cards, handmade gifts. oh! and i have given more gift certificates than i know what to do with. you know how many i have gotten in the last 15 years from anyone other than my mom? ONE.

yep, i'm the friend who stood for HOURS in the freezing rain last winter for my friend WAVING AT CARS-to get people to vote for her for judge.

i don't do it because i want something back. i really don't. but you know, how hard would it be FOR ONE PERSON to do something nice for me. just one freakin time????

of course, no one (except one dear friend-which i'll get to in a minute) has even asked when i might be having a shower. and i kinda get the feeling, that the people i have thrown showers for (one two weeks ago. i feed 20 people, had my house cleaned, cooked for 1.5 days to prepare, BTW). have seemed to disappear suddenly.

i honest to god don't notice when people don't send me bday cards-whatever i'm a big girl. and i don't want every single person that i think of and offer kind gestures to-with regularity to do something at every turn. but is it too much to ask for the participation of i dunno-three people??? you know how freaking happy that'd make me!?!?!?

so, my one dear internet friend-JANIMAL- who is like me-a good friend to have-who has only known me for a handful of months has offered to throw me a shower-before i even mentioned it. but i won't let her. she honestly hasn't known me long enough and it's not her deal. though, ms. janiamal i love ya.' oh, and guess which friend bought me the only gift certificate in the last 15 years? yep.

i just feel like a chump. i am so freakin nice. maybe i am too nice. i mean, i stand up for myself, and don't take crap from people. but there just must be something about me, that makes people think i don't need their support? makes me forgettable?

of course i don't care about the shower presents. i care about being cared about.

you know, i just know that you all our friends like me, thoughtful friends. thoughtless friends wouldn't comment and show so much support through this blog.

so, i know you feel me on this one.

maybe i'll just turn into a thoughtless wench?

***

ETA- that now that i think about it-i know it's not *me* i know that people are busy and just not as thoughtful as i am. i may have a million personality traits-but i know that i at least have that one going for me.

and i know lots o people all over the place, but i don't mix my friends. i have lawyer friends, non-lawyer professional friends, college friends, neighborhood friends, etc. and i have waaayyy to many guys friends., i am sure that they all either haven't thought about it- or assume that someone else is throwing us one.

Comments

[Emily]

I'm late too but I wanted to give you a big hug and a high five. I too am a card carrying member of the "be-nice-to-others-so-they-can-forget-about-you club" and go through phases of massive upsetness about it (i.e. my birthday just past that all but a tiny number of friends disapearred for) and a "water off a duck's back" attitude.

After a disasterous stagette/hen night I was in tears and my darling husbando said to me - not everyone is in possession of nearly a quarter of the thoughtfulness that you possess and that means that you might be disapointed sometimes but it doesn't take away from how grateful people are for all of the wonderful things you do for them.

So now I pass that onto you... not everyone can be as wonderful as you (or else you wouldn't be as special!).

And if you don't have a shower soon we're throw you one in internet-land!

[Roadblocks and Roller Coasters]

I'm late in responding to this...sorry! I'm the same way as you and it is frustrating when people don't even seem interested in doing something nice for you. I do hope you get a fabulous shower and that all the non-talking about a shower is really just planning going on while you're not looking. HUGS!

[Ms. Planner]

Dear Ms. Apronstrings:

I am writing to apply to the position of friend-who-throws-showers listed on your website...

Like it or not, in the U.S., having a baby shower is just one of those rights of passage to motherhood. You can't NOT have one. And dang, sister, you SO deserve one.

I am 7 weeks from my due date and JUST had my first shower (this was partly due to my paranoia, but it shows that some people just aren't as type A and plan things a bit later.) So, maybe some showers will flow your way as you get closer.

If you are approaching tri 3 and no showers are planned, then k absolutely must drop hints to some of your closest friends and family.

And what is up with Texas men not buying flowers for birthdays! Cowboy doesn't either (which really bums me out but I would never ask for them). The last time I got flowers from him was when I miscarried. We need to launch an awareness campaign.

Kind regards,

Ms. P

[Anne]

You totally deserve to feel this way, particularly as an unreformed "good friend" who's played the part for so many years. Know that you're being celebrated all across the internets and that we'd throw you the most Martha Stewart virtual shower the web has ever seen. Just say when. :)

[Janimal]

Well, I appreciate the shout out. But whaddya mean you won't LET me throw you a shower?! You know that a shower thrown by MOI would be fun! Although I still think someone else you are close to will step up and start talking shower - I can help them - but I would be HONORED to have a shower for you. Since my own shower will be thrown by the psycho party planner high maintenance friend of mine, this is my chance to be a part of a much less stressful and fun baby gathering!

Think about it chica.

[allypally]

I think for me, not thinking I was having a shower made made me sad because I wasso excited to finally be pregnant and I wanted people to "rejoice" with me as it were. Because the ocean separates me from my friends and family, I couldn't see how this would happen. Then my little sister visited and brought my suprise shower with her. It was all recorded on DVD and she handed me the presents as each person spoke. It still brings tears to my eyes. I know there will be a celebration for you too. We love you C!

[Amanda]

That just really sucks that you're there for everyone (without them asking because you care like that) but they can't be thoughtful enough to show you a freakin shower. That just plain sucks. I hope that they surprise the hell out of you and throw you a shower!!

[tipsymarie]

WTF?? Sadly, I am not so surprised . . . a few people I know casually only had work showers and not the traditional kind with moms and friends and stuff. I thought I just didn't get invited, but alas, there just wasn't a shower.
I am sure it is very, very difficult not to get angry and take it personally; especially when you've done so much for others.
I will totally throw you one! I love to host showers. Seriously!
Think about it.

[Elizabeth]

AND, I want to add, with so many DIFFERENT groups of friends that you have (plus K's work circle), the odds are that you'll get more than one shower! Tell us all about it when it happens!!!

[Elizabeth]

You and I must be operating on the same clock. Right about the time that you are at, I was wondering if anyone would even throw me a shower. I even posted on APA about it. You see, I had only two birthday parties my entire childhood and have only been invited to two baby showers in all my life, so I just resigned myself to the fact that I was an outsider and unwanted in all of these events. So, I finished my registery in early December and told my family that if they wanted to get me anything for Christmas, that they could just get me something from the baby registry, because I figured that no one would throw me a shower, and I may as well use Christmas gift-giving for getting items for my baby.
In March, my aunt from NY called me out-of-the blue that she and my other aunt would fly down and throw me a shower with all my family. I had 22 people there. It was really special, and what touched me the most was not the gifts but the care that people gave me. My shower was on April 5, about 6 weeks before my due date, which is kinda late, but I was very happy that it took place. THEN, yesterday, my husband's co-workers threw him a shower and asked me to come. THEN, yesterday, out-of-the-blue, my co-workers told me that they are throwing me a shower next Friday. So, I went from thinking I was getting NADA since I've spent a lifetime without virtually any parties, to THREE showers.

You have people that care about you. Like me, you're just fretting about it now. It's because you, like me, are a forward-thinking, pre-planning type of person, and YOU would have started planning the shower by now, but lots of people operate waaaaay slower than us. You have so many people that love you. You WILL be getting a shower. It will be wonderful. They might just be a little disorganized and not be as forward-planning as you, so give them time, and as you get closer to your due date, I am sure that you will be showered with love and gifts. For the time being, just do what I did and think, "ah! My registry is done and 'if it happens it happens'."

[Hilary (The Trying Game)]

Aw hun. I feel you on this one...

I do believe that someday, someway, it will all come back around.

With love!

[Waiting Amy]

I know this feeling. I'm not exactly the Martha Stewart of planning or thoughtfulness -- but I try.

I too have scattered friends in very different subsets. I do think that sometimes is part of the issue. While I gave up working, I hope I still project that accomplished, intelligent, on-the-ball, professional woman attitude. But that leads all those people to assume I'm on top of it and don't need that type of validation.

It gets tiring sometimes. I'm hoping they pull through!

[Farah]

Someone needs to step it up!

[jesspond]

That IS annoying. In the worst way.

I hope you get your shower. Maybe it will be a surprise? I don't know.

:(

[My Reality]

I would like to apply. The distance is a little much, though. Are you up for a really long drive? I can make cute baby shower cakes.

[kate]

OMG. If we were a HAIR closer, I would totally throw one for you, but making the pregnant lady drive 5 hrs is not fair. BUT, if one of your local buddies gets off their lazy ass and throws one for you, please let me know, and I'll totally drive there to see you! Or if that's uncomfortable, let me know where you're registered and I'll send you fabulous things instead.

Hmm. Internets and other readers- how might one go about throwing an internet shower? Anyone???

[Mandy]

This is my first time reading your blog, but I understand. None of the women I threw showers or parties for ever asked about my shower.

I'd like to believe all of these people have banded together to conspire toward the biggest surprise ever, but I know it just doesn't work that way sometimes.

It might be time for a hint to your man, for him to pass along to the others that you'd really enjoy a shower.

[JuliaKB]

Well, that's annoying. Really.

I think it's time for a few nice guilt-trips. Here and there. And maybe a tantrum or five.