the unbearable state of being thankful

while i would never choose infertility for myself, i can say that it has added to my life in a few ways that i have no choice but to be thankful.

the first person (who would surely be an anonymous commenter) who writes that "everything happens for a reason" gets it. THAT is not the point.

ahem. so, infertility has done the obvious, made me realize what a miracle conception and childbirth are, made me closer to my husband, etc.

the two most important things IF has added to my life are a softer me and the relationship i had always dreamed i'd have with my mom.

when we were younger, and still at home, i think my mother was just too busy surviving to be a mother. i don't want to compile a long list of her shortcomings (in my view) because our relationship has taken a new direction.

even k is amazed.

this all started to happen a year ago, after a year of our not being able to have a family. i don't know what made her change. maybe it was her seeing me so upset for so long, or her first time ever stable personal life?

i don't know, and i guess there is something to the statement that you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

i'll just say that the extent of her transformation is remarkable. here's a  short, abridged, chart:

**then**                      

would talk about herself for hours and would never ask how i was. when i graduated from college, she didn't even know my major!

would never ask me to do anything. she would never want to spend time with me.

was a horrible listener, would wait to talk and reply to anything i said with a story about her.

did not filter anything that she said. so, she said hurtful and insensitive comments with regularity.

**now**

asks me questions about myself. let's me ramble on and on about IF and our lives.

calls me every other day.

insists on seeing me once a week.

hasn't said anything untoward for almost a year. (i..e she found a filter)she will repeat to me things that i've told her. so i know she is listening.

so, how has infertility (if you are indeed infertile) added to your life? anything??

Comments

[Ms. Planner]

Patience. I used to be horribly impatient. I can honestly say that I have become WAY more patient with people and life in general. I also have gained the wonderful people I have met via the blogs.

[allypally]

Being infertile helped me to create a depth to myself that I would never have had. It also makes me sooo happy to have my children. With out the four years of trying and not having kids, I don't think I'd appreciate being a parent as much as I do now. And as for things happening for a reason, I think it is what we do with what happens to us that create the reasons. It's the only power we have really. I'm glad your mom liked her purse!

[Mands]

I have just finished a post about the same thing. And posts like this are testimony to the people we have become.

[Hilary (The Trying Game)]

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog, Christina. You have no idea how much it meant to me. I am going to take your kind thoughts with me to the retrieval this morning. Taxi picks us up in about 30 minutes!!

Just wanted to say thank you, with all my heart.

Hilary

[JessPond]

It's wonderful that you and your mom have grown so close after not having much of a relationship. That's really awesome.

(Is it wrong that I really really REALLY wanted to say "everything happens for a reason" just BECAUSE....even though I do not even believe that?)

ANYHOW, as for me? The greatest gift IF has given me is my daughter. The truth is that we likely WOULD NOT have adopted had we gotten pregnant regularly, easily, and cheaply. But when you find you want to adopt, spending the chunk of change on it (isnt' that awful?) seems not so bad after realizing that pregnancy is costing just as much. 30k a kid? Eh, who cares?

And in that same vein, it's made me realize more than ever that money is just money and we only live once...so we might as well jump if we're able. Family, after all...that's what's important, not extra frills.

And, you know, all the standard answers, too. Becoming stronger. Knowing that you CAN do if you must. Weeding out or strengthening relationships.

[Carrie]

It is lovely that you and your mum are now closer. My mum hurt me terribly when I lost the longest pregnancy and I completely shut her out. We're only now starting to talk about anything with any meaning. Very sad.

This whole trip has made me more empathetic to other people's problems. I kind of now realise, that although I may not see how it can be so bad, if that person is hurting. then that is a bad thing in their life and they may need support/ understanding. I think I mean I'm less judgemental of whether a person should be suffering or not. Less of the, 'oh for goodness sake' attitude?

[Mel]

It has definitely made me more sensitive and circumspect. Not that I don't put my foot in it sometimes, but it's probably less now. And it has made me slow down. And prioritize.

I'm so glad things are better with your mum. Not that you want to go through the hell to get that silver lining, but it's nice when you pick up good things as you're walking through hell.

[Hilary (The Trying Game)]

I know what you mean. In my experience, going through this kind of thing either destroys your relationships or changes them for the better. I know D and I have definitely become closer.

It's wonderful that you and your mom have ended up in such a great place. Your mom sounds like a really special person.

[Farah]

good post- i'm so proud of you and your mother's relationship. You described my mother pre-menapause ( now she is not that mother - she is a space cadet and on alot of "happy pills" and never asks me anything) BUT THAT is not what I am thankful for about IF - I am thankful that my husband and i learned to communicate through our feelings, make huge decisions with eachother that others will never be charged to think of. Learned to cherish life more than ever. Believe it or not, it has helped my relationship with my MIL. She is more compassionate and kind to me- which anything is an improvement since she hated me for the longest time because no one was good enough for her precious son. But now- she just always asks about me and acts like she geniunely cares.

I am very glad that your relationship with your mother has changed for the better