apron strings

happy halloween

isn't this sugar skull nifty?

here's how i made it.

eat lots of candy tomorrow!

(we're back from the trip, will post about it very soon.)

xoxo

happy halloween and the making of sugar skulls

i cannot believe how long it's been since i posted. i will be posting much more often, because i've been awfully busy in my sewing room.

for halloween we're having some people over and so i've made lots of things, but my favorite are these sugar skulls.  

sugar skulls are used in Mexico to celebrate Day of the Dead, but i think they make great halloween decorations.  

they were very easy to make, (sugar +water+meringue powder+molds)  although finding the meringue powder was not easy. and you must have it.   

it is a very messy endeavor and requires TEN cups of sugar.

i also used the molds to make white chocolate skulls. i am worried about decorating them, so we'll have to see.

 

i know, i'm a slack

actually, i've been busy NOT being infertile. i've had dozens of children in only two weeks!!. i have not felt better for as long as i can remember.

+

i've been sewing like a mad woman. Some roman blinds (with wood inserts, people!), a shirt, a jacket (which i am working on), and i've embroidered like an eighty year old widow on bed rest.

+

i also, less than a week after dropping our adoption application in the mail, started an on-line support (really chit chat) group for adoptive mothers called "Waiting to Adopt, The Longest Wait."

+

i am also getting together a wardrobe for our big west trip; a story of cold. Um, the temp is going to be 25 degrees when we land. I am afraid to tell k. The last time he asked i mistakenly thought and thus mistakenly told him 50. TWENTY FIVE DEGREES. No, i am not joking. Yes, i am going to die. The other day, here in Georgia, i had the top down in my convertible. It became quite chilly so i pulled over and put on a light jacket and (!! seriously, the pathetic part) put on the seat warmers. Oh, you ask, what was the temperature listed on my dash? 70 degrees. STOP LAUGHING. Wind chill, people.

+

But, yeah, i am going to die. Although i am more than excited and am busy with preparations:

________________________________________

cute 'winter jacket' from loeman's= CHECK

ridiculously large knitted hat (i don't care how hard k laughs  it makes me look cool. really, isn't that the point?)=CHECK

'heavy bikini wax' (that's what they billed me for WTHeesy?)= CHECK

new cute look like a lumber-jack flannel for k to enhance western sex life  (oh, mr. lumberjack, how can i ever talk you out of cutting down that tree? blink, blink)=CHECK

xanax=CHECK, (k suggested it, mentioning something about the last time we flew when i jumped in my seat, grabbed a Brazilian's arm  and yelled "OMG there's another plane!!!!!" The Brazilian jumped and tried to get up being stopped only by his seat belt. Right about when i figured out...it wasn't another plane,  just the wing of our plane. Unfortunately, the only word i know in Portuguese besides caipirinha is obrigado...which is welcome (and, of course what you say to bartender after he gives you a caipirina). which i said to the Brazilian which made him roll his eyes and get all snarky like. Whatever, guy....You know what they say! Better insane, paranoid, and crazy safe than sorry!).

_________________________________________

+

I cannot wait to show the elk my new hat! They are excited too, i just know it.

DON'T get me wrong.....

This is not an easy decision for me. Us.

Eighty percent of the time I am hopeful to be moving ahead with adoption and not IVF.  Ten percent of the time I am in a panic wondering what the h3ll we are thinking. Wondering to myself, how it is that two professionals can't spend $20,000.00 on the dream of a lifetime even if it is a gamble. (then I remember my $115,000. in law school loans.)(the other ten percent of the time I am on the phone with my friends saying SHUT!UP! while drinking starbucks and driving a manual.)

Yes, I know that I don't have to decide today. I know, it's only been a week since I first considered the idea...but I DON'T like indecision. K? Well, K LIVES for indecision. He likes to think things for over for a minimum of three years. Ok, not really. He actually thinks things through before deciding major life issues. PHA-SHA! He only wanted to wait until we got back from Wyoming and the elk I hope to see to decide whether to move forward with IVF and adoption or both. He wanted to wait three weeks. But then I started crying and I admit these words were uttered "but, you said we could go ahead with adoption, and now you're saying you want to wait until NOVEMBER...I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me.sniffle, sniffle"

But to even contemplate not doing IF treatment ...I HAVE to be doing everything I can for adoption. Fingerprints, exams, headstands...(I'm pretty sure that's high Ms. Hope got matched so quickly...she pulled out the much coveted headstand trick).  Uh oh, I suck at headstands.

So, while we are moving forward with the adoption deal, I can still feel okay about not doing IVF.

Although, on the news (ok, Enews...the news that matters! NPR is having their fall fundraiser. a.k.a. snooooozzzeeee.) last night, when I saw that Hallie (said as though she is my best friend) is pregnant....I got all bummed out. I have no idea why her pregnancy would make me want to do IVF...hmmm, maybe because I'm hoping that pregnancy will make me tall and slim with insanely smooth skin and a bitty belly? (hey, you're the one who calls pregnancy a miracle!)

But this a.m. I was as chipper as ever and feeling good about our decision to postpone IVF for a long while. I go back and forth, although, most of the time, I'm ok with not doing IVF right now.

The above is 1/100000000000th of what has gone through my bitty brain in the last week.

The only two things k's has said about putting IVF on the back burner for awhile:

1. We need a win. (is this like baseball?)

2. I can't stand to see you cry in another doctor's office. (he doesn't mean 'you,' silly).

That really is the only two things he's said. And he means it.

I love my almost silent husband.

For fun and as a way to get me more focused on our adoption plan...I am even contemplating sewing up some curtains and other nursery items...ONLY AFTER our application is accepted.

As always, I welcome feedback.  Not on the curtains, silly....the decision.

I CAME UPON A STORK IN THE ROAD.........

HOW CLEVER AM I???? See, get it...stork in the road! With all this effort, I WILL be as witty as Ms. Watson one day. With any luck without the fissures.

Thanks so much for the helpful advice. I considered every statement. Every single one added to our thought process during our long conversation last night. I couldn't agree more with My Reality's (an adoptee herself) that it is too bad that so many people, and here the adoption agency, view adoption as somehow second best or the last resort. If I am honest, I have to admit that I did too...in the very beginning. In fact, it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I truly realized...that adoption isn't the same as parenting a biological child. It's different and more complicated if every bit as joyous.

While I am still going back and forth with continuing fertility treatments...I am most of time, committed to stopping them for at least six months and probably a year.

For a lot of reasons. I do want to adopt no matter what. I want an adopted child to be our first born for the reasons I wrote about yesterday.

Also, it very well may turn out to be naive of us to believe, but I have a lot of hope that we will get matched relatively quickly. Maybe even within 6-9months. We have decided that a Hispanic. baby(ies;  ) would fit nicely with our family (for a lot of well thought out reasons (that I look forward to blogging about)...mainly that they can 'pass'as ours as I have a olive complexion and thus they won't have a neon sign over their head that screams "ADOPTED!")

We think that placement will be relatively quick because the majority of the infants placed were from Hispanic birth mothers.And most of the potential adoptive parents want non-Hispanic (African-American infants or Caucasian) infants.

But who knows. I think in a year we would know and could make a better decision about IVF.

Although, the statistics don't necessarily back up to this belief. Seven families went to the training, which is only held twice a year. I think, to be on the safe side- that at least five of them will proceed. And even if you assume that 10 couples show up for the next training in July, and all of them signed up, that adds 15 couples max to the waiting list. Two out of the seven couples are African-American and the wait for African American infants, for a lot of horrible reasons...namely racism....is very short...like two-three months on average. So I am *assuming* that the African-American couples will be placed with African American infants pretty quickly.

BY THE WAY...I HATE that we had to consider Race. Hated it. But this is the Deep South, and it is what it is. I base all my opinions, on my thoughts, which may very well be misguided. I *think* that were I an African-American birth-mother, that I would only place my child with a Black family. Namely, because I cannot bear to think of my child as the only black face in a room full of white faces on Christmas morning. You know what I mean? I think it is as simple as that. (and I must say...the most racist place I have ever lived is NJ by far. Weird, eh?I think that was because I went to a very liberal lschool that had great minority programs that created a lot of resentment among a lot of naturally competitive students..but I digress). 

Last year, the agency placed ten infants for adoption. The year before that they placed 18.  They have had as many as 40 people on the waiting list and as little as 15.

I have to stop, the math is hurting my head. And who knows, because the BM chooses the adoptive parents, so the guessing really is a crap shoot. Although, the agency staff has a lot more control than they are willing to admit. One of the birth parents we met had only been shown one potential adoptive family. Weird, huh? But, they were a great match. Both very religious in the same religion and all red-heads;  ).

All three of the adoptive parents were matched within 6 months, two within three months. One family was African American, and two were Caucasian and placed with Caucasian infants.

Now, I kind of feel like an a$$. Give me a white-hood and we'll call it good. I really don't mean to be so flippant about things that are so important. And maybe it's a good idea to get my beliefs, if misguided, out there. Because, if misguided...while it would hurt, I should probably know about it.

I just am trying to figure out when we may have the infant in our arms that we have dreamt about for so long.

So, for today, we are planning on pulling out of IVF #1 and moving full steam ahead with adoption.

I would LOVE IT if anyone is good with math and can figure our odds of placement within 6 months. ;  )

 

DON'T LIKE THE DIRECTION WE ARE GOING TO (with small update)

Or maybe I do.

I dunno.

Adoption training this Friday afternoon and all day Saturday brought on much confusion. To both of us. Especially me.

I had thought I was okay moving forward with adoption *and* IVF. Now I am not so sure.

Of course, this comes at a time when we are on an adoption high (like a 'rocky mountain high' but different). All the families we met got placed very quickly, have great relationships with the birth-moms (who do not regret their decision to place their child for adoption and do not want to be co-parents), and are not still trying for biological children.

The reading materials suggest that we need to have mourned our infertility and have let go of our ability to have biological children. The materials suggest that continuing to hope for biological children means that you will resent an adopted child. What?

I am just not there yet. I mean, I am 32 and we haven't done the first IVF. You know? But then, I feel like they are going to be weird with me at the homestudy..."what do you mean, you are still trying!" "for shame!"

The one thing I am sure of...is that I want to adopt. Period. I just feel like it is the right decision for us. I also, want an adopted child to be our first, if at all possible. Based on my bizarre(?) belief that you always love your first child more, or at least the children always assume that and I think that would take a *bit* of the sting out of having been placed for adoption. (mom, should you find my blog...I know you love p more, and I'm chill with that. Really.) Or, maybe I want an adopted child first because I want them to know that we had time alone together for awhile before a biological child. (Assuming that ever happens).

We are debating on pulling out of IVF right now, for a year, or forever. I didn't like the drugs, the time away from work, (I mean, who does?!), the moderate chance of it not working, the potential of it working only leading to our miscarrying.

The thought of not having a biological child? Terrifying.  And even if it did not work we'd know we tried. 

HELP! I know! this is personal decision but I swear I need input.  What would you do?

****small UPDATE! costs:******

Adoption: $3,000. and with almost guranteed success(after k's work's contribution and tax credit and my lawyer friend's offer to do the legal work for free).

IVF: at least $18,000. and with in no way guranteed success.

holy shista **UPDATE

Cure for the sting of a BFN and a pregnancy announcement (on the same day) of someone who started ttc'ing when I did TWO YEARS ago with her FIRST and this is her second....=buying a nonrefundable vaca!!!

I'm psyched and buying the vaca sooooo took the sting out of the above. k was apprehensive but when he found out he could play golf he was on board. Men...you all are so easy.

The trip and the following are proof positive that I am mid-way through a mid-fertility crisis:

-we're starting a IVF cycle that will PRAY G-D be complete by the time we leave on our vaca. Because you must know today is CD 1 and I start stims tomorrow and I will not be suppressed. (I know...not being suppressed is going to mean I get OHSS..the RE assures me that isn't the case but you now how that goes). We'll hopefully be leaving a few days after the transfer. We've got a 5 day window. (moving forward with the IVF is contingent on my not having cysts at tomorrow's u/s). How crazy is it that we're moving forward? (seriously PLEASE ADVISE) RE says air travel is fine, statistically it would be after implantation if that is going to happen. (we're likely doing a 5day transfer which implants within 48 hours).

-I'm getting my mousy brown longer-than-shoulder-length hair chopped tomorrow and dyed as blond as I can get w/out looking like a Vegas w.hore. I know- CRAZY. But, I've always wanted to do that and I've had the same hair (with the exception of once in college where I got it chopped and it was awful. Not to be but it looked like I was a softball coach. I am not kidding) for FIFTEEN YEARS! Plus, it takes forty-five minutes to blow dry and style (so that I hide the mousiness) and then it falls flat within 15 and gets pulled back in a sloppy bun. What's funny is that I promise i will cry....I don't like change. But, I must save myself from myself. Seriously, if my hair grows one inch more I'm a look alike of Andre.a Yates. YUCK!

So,

is moving ahead with IVF that we'll only have 21 days to do when it will take at least 12 ok? i really want to cycle and would love to be on vaca during the 2ww.

how crazy am i to chop and dye le hair?

***uh, remember how I said moving forward with IVF would only happen if I didn't have any cysts...um, yeah....so I have FIVE the smallest  is 23 and the largest 38. What.The.Heesy? So, that's that. I'm not upset. Although I didn't think I was upset about the IUI not working, but i started to doubt that after sobbing into my hands a snotty, snorty cry this a.m. at the RE when they told me to get a beta.

But coming up....The Story of Thin Brown Mousey to short Spiky Dykey to Blond Ambition; A Hair Story. (hair cut in T-minus two hours)