Apron Strings

My covert operation is over. I really just wanted to protect K-because both mean girls new where he worked and one worked there. Luckily, he got recruited to a better fit for him and our family. (Yea!)

My new blog is www.HerApronStrings.com

Moving, You're Welcome to Join Me. (really this time.)

I've decided I really do need a place to journal/write/ask for advice. I don't want it to be here. I don't assume anyone is really reading this anymore-but I've always appreciated the advice/support of the those that have/do. I also keep up with almost every blog I've ever read more than once-because I"m interesrted and it bums me out when bloggers disappear into thin air. 

I did have another blog-but I just decided to move on from that topic and had given out the password/address to a couple of people who, should they randomly try, I don't want in my life. 

If you want the new address please email me at christina.apronstringsATgmail.com. 

Many of you have already emailed me for the new address-and I did not return your emails because of time restrictions and my indecision as to where to go and whether to stay. I will finally return those emails-probably next week.

The site is up and ready to g0-but I'll start next week. This week I'm trying to finish an article I want need to write for a legal journal because the subject fascinates lightly interests me because I enjoy feel a responsibility to keep my peers up to date on important legal changes to subsidze my income.  Too bad I procrastinate by cleaning and not by blogging. (sorry to devastate you. hahaha. )

Not again. Not now.

After I quit breastfeeding CactusFlower I went through horrible, and debilitating post partum depression/insanity. I was hoping that -that wasn't PPD, just a product of all the stress I was under-marriage, brother, etc. I do not fit the mold for PPD-its too late and I do not have the first unhappy thought about Abraham. (can you imagine-Jesus this could even be even worse.). Though, apparently, I am not alone.

Today is day five of weaning the pump (Abraham started biting at month five.) I feel so, so sad. I can't stop crying. Please, please not again. Hopefully it's because AF is coming -I always get this way for a DAY. I know it's PPD-for now. What the F do I have to be unhappy about? Just last week I told someone I was so happy to turn forty in the next few years-because I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. The ability to concentrate for longer than thrity minutes-and without smoking and smoking and coffees and lattes. I've gotten years of counseling to undo what my dysfunctional family taught me and finally depression Dx-and how that an unmedicated depression/ADHD bled into my entire life.

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE-I had just now started to get my life together after babies and PPD. I had started making and keeping plans with girlfriends. (for me at least- depression=days when the weights attached to your limbs prevent from caring about anything and the inability to get off the couch. I would just lay and stare at the wall- for hours.(difference between laying on the couch and being kept on it from depression-is with depression you *want* to get off of the couch-you know I'd be sewing like a mad woman-but you cannot.) I imagine this all sounds bizarre unless you've ever been depressed.

Blech. I'm going to go home and pump-potentially forever.

(I'm realllllllyyyy hoping I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and start tomorrow and feel very silly and chicken littish for posting this.)

 

****

They say lawyers are nothing but overpaid librarians. So, in my effort to solve this problem, I did research. It appears that weaning in a matter of days NOT recommended. (now listed under "things that are obvious") 

Do I seem a bit cheerier? I just expressed milk. Still frozen and sad and hopeless-but less raw.

My research/helpful links:

 

What they say. 

(medical literature)

http://postpartumprogress.com/developing-depression-after-weaning-from-breastfeeding

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/26/weaning-depression-link-breastfeeding-postpartum-depression_n_1301233.html

http://kellymom.com/ages/weaning/wean-how/weaning_mom/

What we say.

(the trenches)

http://swistle.blogspot.com/2010/01/reader-question-weaning-hormones.html

ttp://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2012/02/motherhood-depression-and-weaning.html

QUOTE

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

 

 

Im Paying For Air

Funny how I actually pay for this blog-not much-but I do. I pay to post three times a year. I keep thinking I'll come back. I want to. Funny how I come back -and give my children code names for safety- and then leave their names on here for months. Sigh. I try.  

But there's so much else to do. Sew. Be grateful for all of this. Very grateful. Grow my business back. Write an article for publicaiton (hopefully). Parent. Read about parenting. Exercise for the first time in years. Talk about Scout starting preschool-being away from the house. From me. She'll learn what a gun is and the words stupid, hate and goodness knows what else-I think that sucks. 

I want so badly to write. There's a lot going on. K -in a great twist of fate-got recruited to another job -that is his "dream job." He's COO at a large nonprofit-and it puts him in line to be CEO in a few years. Which is awesome-because he deserves it-he really does. The toughest years of our marraige (God willing-) have passed. My nanny is a complusive liar-but still an awesome nanny. My mom is my paralegal-the best I've ever had. It makes boundaries hard.  She did somethig really thoughtless to Scout-again. For the last time. She hasn't been over to my house-hasn't been a grandmother for months-I've quit welcoming her into our lives. We eat lunch together nearly everyday.I know. 

I'm getting close to 40. This is neat to me. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Finally getting treatment for my horrifying depression-I'm actually healthier than ever, my marriage-is scarred- but happier than ever. In an honest way. 

Oh, I know this sounds crazy-and it kind of is-but I;m working on a patent for an invention-in the very early stages. Chances are it won't turn into anything but the process is fun. 

I've been really working on my photography. Which hasn't changed-just the subjects are so amazing-they make their own photographs. 

Scout at Ballet 

She who must be minded. 

My little man. (he's actually not so little-in the 90th something 90th something-he's unusually big)

 

 

Things That Make You Want to Punch The Universe In the Face

The unthinkable happened. A friend I met through an infertility board, this blog, and in person- lost a baby exactly baby E's age. Baby E, twin to baby J passed away this weekend. All I know is that it was sudden. She has (had?) a blog called "No Shiny Monkeys" but I can't find the link.

I cried off and on this weekend. Maybe it's the hormones- I only talked to her maybe three times during her pregnancy- and we hadn't seen each other for over a year. My heartaches for her.

I cannot imagine the horror. The shitty thing is-what can any of us do? I know, I know-abide with her-just doesn't seem like enough and that's all any of us can do.

We Made It. I Think. On Most Days.

So, for the last fourteen months are lives were weighed down by the horrible job that K had. Though well paid (which helped us when we really needed it) it was awful. Awful. It meant he worked EVERY holiday but Christmas, EVERY Saturday and one Sunday a month. He had to be there at 6:00 a.m. on most days-which meant we didn't see each other in the mornings at all and were too tired when we saw each other at night. 

Awful. Luckily, even in this economy, he got recruited by a much better, family-friendly company. It pays him less, no stock options. but a whole lotta better lives for us. 

***

From now on, I'm going to stop using real names. I can never decide if my past as a prosecutor made me paranoid. I could never decide who I should check out before they are in arms reach of my children. To make it easier-I've decided to assume that EVERY person within arm's reach is a pre.dator until I verify otherwise. So, the last thing that I want on this blog are their names which, apparently are "unique" if classic. Also known as names of characters out of an eighteenth century novel. I'll remove the names shortly.

So, 

Child One (Catherine, "Cate")=Scout. She is soooooo like Scout in TKAMB. Always climbing, completely fearless, in overalls and cannot for the life of her stay clean or keep her hair untangled. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Child Two (Primros.e, "Rosie")=Cactus Flower (I'm not so sure about this one?). She vacillates between a delicate flower (she is DEVASTATED from something everyday at least once) and a male WWF wrestler. She loves purses (filled with cars) dresses (that get caught in whatever she is riding or building. I also had to pull her off of Cate-she was on top of her punching her! She also knows about five words-and she says them like Animal from the Muppets.

 

 

 

 

Child three (Emme.tt)=Abraham. Unlike my other children-he is sooo serious. He doesn't cry-he huffs until he sounds like he is hyperventilating. He also furrows his brows and coos in a very serious way-I'm pretty sure he is advising as to something.  

Okay, that's not Abraham. Nor is it Emmett acting like Abraham. It's just a picture that's too damn cute. 

Look, I'm blogging again. 

xoxo

It's Not Up to You.

Kids don't give a rat's ass if daddy hurt mom's feeling ten years ago-kids want their parents to stay married. Study after study says that. Period. That alone made me agree to try to make it work. 

(I'm taking the picture-guess who's behind me-who they're smiling at? Yeah, I don't regret giving them a second chance of a family. *Trying to.*) 

What's so nutty-is that my 'friend'-despite what she said-really quit liking me when I didn't immediately file for divorce. In fact, she wrote "not only did she stay she only made him leave for a few weeks." Honestly, I wanted him back in the house the first minute I thought I could be in the same room with him without slapping him in the face. That's the truth-and I'm a pacifist. Why? Because he was out of his everlovin mind-clearly.He was drinking in his car on the way to work. WTF? That's what people do when they are very broken. He said he just wanted to get caught-get fired-anything to make it stop. Guess who I don't want out on the streets staying in an extended stay hotel? Um, yeah, my child's father who I am still legally tied too-not to mention I still loved him-and cared about him as a friend. We both agree had I not let him back into the house he would have ended up in a ditch or jail-or god knows. That's what happens when years of hurt and self hatred come boiling to the service. (Though, the less selfish of us-go to counseling and so our spouses don't find themselves wanting to punch us in the face.)

Did I give him a big bear hug when we came home? Back into our room? Even on the same floor? Not so much. In fact, it was months before I let him be within slapping distance. I don't know why-ok, I know why....-but not why I had this insatiable desire to punch him in the face. He wanted me to. Wouldn't you? It's understandable on both ends. 

Nor did he move back into our room for a long time-and yeah, there was a cold wind blowing through our bedroom for over a year. Frigid. He knows down to the day -until I let him near me. 

And you know what-I sometimes still hate him for what he did to *us." Loaded our marriage down with this heavy gray mud. I can't believe three years later-it remains in our thoughts. I asked him something the other day-can't remember exactly what-but something like- why it made him so uncomfortable to talk about "x" and said that he didn't feel safe-because he still thinks I am going to walk out and still can't really, really believe that I'm going to stick around. That's some heavy crap for both of us-and only one of us deserves some of it. 

And you know-I'm probably naive-but I believe that most people-in normal situations are good. I do know for sure, that all of us are better than the worst thing we've ever done. 

So, immediately defining our 15 year relationship by a selfish mistake made in the weakest time in someones life-beyond not being fair to me-it sure as all would have been selfish to not even try to give two little girls a chance of a mommy and a daddy. 

That's all. I just have to say out loud that its not the weak that stay-and the strong that run the minute trouble rolls in-infact, it's the opposite. It's the moms and dads who can look past their own hurt feelings & muster the courage to risk being torn apart again-because-honestly-the decision as to whether or not to try-well, that's not our job to decide. 

***

Strong or not-it's my opinion-and I'm practicing what I preach. Also note-that I said "try" not "stay for the children no matter what"-that's co-copendent crap to weigh your children down. To K's credit he owned his crap-is and has been in counseling-12 step and has not one  time hinted at it being ok, my fault, and continues to tell show me he is remorseful (versus regretful.)  

No Apologies Necessary.

Why must the lucky ones among us apologize for that luck? 

I know, how pissy does that sound? Until recently I couldn't stop apologizing. For being an attorney, for being able to pay for a nice house, for having children, for, for, for. 

How ridicilious would it have been had someone apologized for having a great marraiger-when my most definitey was not? Did their not saying it "I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY HAPPY MARRIAGE!" mean that they weren't?  

I quit apologizng when a dear friend showed me how much I did it-and wondered why. Why is a long story-but I feel freer letting all the guilt go-by stopping the incessant, meekish, always there...."I'm sorry." It's seldom said that explicitly-but always said for the same reason.

I should have known that I didn't even like my apologizig habit. It's hard-and that doesn't mean that I am any less grateful-which is exactly how it's always been. 

I've stopped. Of course, what I'm beating around the bush to say-I assume that anyone (the two of you) reading my blog-know that I am forever grateful-and on a daily basis-for my three lovely children. Waking up to them-is always like waking up to Christmas morning when I was a kid--eventually. Honestly-that was immediately the case with two-oh my GAWD! I have two children!!! Now-with three-namely an infant who I cannot-cannot-say no to-ever (seriously, it's shameful). So, some mornings I'm exhausted-and seeing that Flower and Scout removed all their clothes and bed sheets and that my little prince hasn't slept all night-it takes an hour or so to really suck in and feel how deeply I love my girls. 

But I do. So, I'm not going to rewrite the smae paragraph over and over about how grateful I am for my children. If you've been here for more than a paragraph or been in my presence for more than ten minutes you know that. 

You stop too. We know you're gratful for your one baby-we know that. Stop apologizing. You can be grateful for your one baby and desperately long for another. And who is the universe to take that away from you? Why must you apologize to the universe for daring to want a second? 

You don't have to. And I won't anymore. 

(The above has kept me away from here. I need to come back. Or go somewhere. I just have to get it out.)

 

My Pregnancy Jedi Mind Trick

 

So, when I found myself pregnant so soon after Flower, I got very cagey on this blog and in general as to whether or not we were trying. 

The thing is we welcomed another pregnancy because otherwise we would have done SOMETHING to prevent. We did nothing. (sorry to over share.) But neither of us would admit it to each other. We said we wanted a third-eventually, maybe. 

We weren't damn sure we didn't want a third-and that is the only way a happily married couple will go the extra mile to prevent. We're damn sure we can't EVER handle a fourth. So, that's that. 

No child of mine is an unwanted child because my parents did not want me. They loved me plenty-and they never said that didn't want me-but, I came right before a divorce and during a time of poverty for them. They didn't say they didn't want me-but their actions did. 

So, for this baby's sake-and to be right in the universe-I had to say that he was wanted. Had to think that. I had to want him. I also didn't want to miscarry. I was afraid that if I thought I didn't want him, my body might harm him. (I'm only slightly irrational, eh?). 

Plus, I knew that a healthy child would not result from a third  pregnancy. I knew it was not going to end well.  Infertile to three healthy children-not likely. (I would believe that I made it up-that it was all in my head-did I not fail to produce viable eggs during that IVF). 

My narcissist 'friend' needed to fvck off-when my pregnancy "appalled" her. Who does she think she is? Instead I groveled and basically begged her to "approve" my pregnancy. I know-bizarre, isn't it? Though, if you know someone with NPD it makes perfect sense.

So, that's that.  

 

So in Love. So Scared.

So, I could not love my little guy more. Seriously, head over heels drowly kind of love. I camped out in my room-just the two of us-for a month. He will be spoiled. I cannot even swadle him-it seems mean. Though-I had no issues swaddling my girls. But-they weren't my last. They weren't him. My dear E. 

I'm also suddenly-and finally-very happy. While my law firm has stalled to a drip or clients-I am excited to start rebuilding it. I will move my office this next week-to a small, walkable little town near the city. Three miles from my house. From my office I can see my courthouse and C's preschool. C's preschool is a long look-but still I can see it. And it's a short 1/4 mile walk. Sounds dreamy, eh?

My marriage is-I hate to admit it-better than it's ever been. I hate to admit-because what he did didn't have jack to do with me-as it ever does with any spouse-but I hate that *that's* how we got here. I had so much trouble getting over the fact-that he shattered our perfect life. It took me nearly a year-to realize-we never had the perfect marriage. He couldn't express his emotions-at all. I lived in denile because I could not admit that my marriage-that we-weren't the perfect couple that everyone knew. But we're happy. We made it. Most couples stay together-and that's (so far-and who knows what the future brings in any relationship) our story. After a lot of hardwork on both our parts-me learning to forgive (but not forget) and he committing to a lifetime (or at least for the next years?) of counseling and meetings. He's never been happier either. He beats himself up and still hates the fact that he will live with this "unending abyss of hurt" that will be there forever.  Sometimes, it still makes one of us-or both teary eyed. The last time (on date night) it was him-after I told him, that I get it-finally-it had nothing to do with me. That it was assholish-but a symptom of a very heavy sickness. But he is a different-better-person after a lot of hardwork on his part. Two and a half years of counseling and meetings and a total commitment to us. 

More later. Can't believe you're still reading. Happy that you are. 

Baby E and K have droopy eyes and we all need sleep. 

(the girls love our little E too.)

 

(can you blame us?)